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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Eric Barker
Read between
June 24 - July 7, 2021
So text a friend and buy them coffee.
JOIN GROUPS
Do you know a bunch of friends who have lunch every week? How about a group who watches football every Sunday? A book club at work? These are fun, passive ways to make sure you stay in the mix and connect with others organically.
engineering serendipity in your life while having a good time with people you like.
When I’m in Los Angeles, I never miss my friend Andy Walker’s weekly Friday lunch. When I’m visiting San Francisco I make sure to hit Panda’s 106 Miles get-togethers for Silicon Valley entrepreneurs. I fly out to Boston a few times a year just for Gautam Mukunda’s “interesting people” dinners, for which he gathers a handful of fascinating folks in his network for an evening of wine and conversation. And I’d rather sacrifice a kidney than miss my friend James Clear’s annual blogger meet-up. None of these are transactional, icky affairs. They’re a chance for me to see my best friends and make
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choose those groups wisely.
“The groups you associate with often determine the type of person you become.
ALWAYS FOLLOW UP
the best predictor of work team success is how the team members feel about one another.
the number-one mistake people made when trying to get ahead at the office. His answer? Opting out of the social dynamics of the company.
“You can’t not play politics; you can only play them badly
the workers least likely to develop workplace friendships were also the least likely to get promoted.
If you’re a leader at your organization, it’s very important you go out of your way to foster good relationships between your employees. When workers have at least one close talented friend at a company their effort and productivity go up 10 percent.
We all need mentors to succeed.
You don’t have time to make all the mistakes yourself, and of course making those mistakes can mean failure. It’s better to let others make those mistakes and you can learn from them. Great mentors and great teachers help you learn faster.
you’re way better off with an awesome teacher in a lousy school than vice versa.
Mentors make learning fun. They add a relationship to the stress and help you overcome the frustration while pushing you to be your best.
It’s having a coach or teacher who really makes something exciting to be involved in that leads you to often put in the practice necessary to become an expert at it.
Fun is emotional. That emotional component is critical. Not only should you care about your mentors; the mentors who really make you succeed need to care about you.
the difference between being inspired by a role model and being demoralized by one comes down to two things: relevance and attainability. When you relate to someone you look up to, you get motivated. And when that person makes you feel you can do that too, bang—that produces real results.
formal mentoring made a small improvement, but the real results came from informal mentors—the kind you find on your own.
Approaching a mentor is a little different from networking in general. You want somebody top-notch, which by definition means this person is gonna be busy.
So how do you get an amazing mentor who is right for you? Here are five principles: BE A WORTHY PUPIL, GRASSHOPPER
if you’re doing awesome work, people more successful than you will notice and want to help you.
What makes a mentor want to go the extra mile for you? When you demonstrate you have explored every conceivable avenue and can go no further without the mentor’s help.
STUDY THEM. NO, REALLY STUDY THEM.
Spend the time. To be intimately familiar with someone’s work is rare and quite flattering.
WASTING A MENTOR’S TIME IS A MORTAL SIN
It screams to a mentor, “This person isn’t ready for my help.”
respect their time and start small. Asking great questions is a perfect way to build a relationship.
Never ask a mentor a question Google can easily answer for you.
FOLLOW UP
Stay in the picture. You are easily forgotten by busy people, remember that. The key then is to find ways to stay relevant and fresh. Drop emails and questions at an interval that straddles the fine line between bothersome and buzzworthy.
Do what they said, get results, and let them know they made a difference. This is what mentors want. If they engage, you can follow up with “I [did my homework] and figured [really impressive next steps] would be [fill in the blank], but I’d love your insight. Do you think [well-thought-out strategy one] or [well-thought-out strategy two] is better?”
Mentoring a young person is four times more predictive of happiness than your health or how much money you make.
When people are riled up about something and you show them evidence that conflicts with what they believe, what does an MRI scan show? The areas of their brain associated with logic literally shut down. The regions associated with aggression light up. As far as their brain is concerned, it’s not a rational discussion—it’s war. The brain can’t process what you’re saying; it’s just trying to win. Your head works the same way unless you make an effort to control it.
what did crisis negotiators and heavily armed law enforcement dealing with violent criminals realize was the best solution? Empathy. Domestic disputes and suicidal individuals don’t respond well to people who sound like salesmen. Being sincere and focusing on emotions, however, leads to effective resolutions.
food is an effective persuasion tool: “The consumption of proffered food induces a momentary mood of compliance toward the donor that is strongest at the time the food is being consumed and that decreases in strength rapidly after the food has been consumed.” We have a cheeseburger, we feel better, and we’re more likely to be in the right mood to close a deal.
four quick steps adapted from hostage negotiation and clinical psychology that can help you turn wars into friendly discussions: KEEP CALM AND SLOW IT DOWN
pretending you are talking to a child. You wouldn’t try to rationalize with a screaming child, and you wouldn’t get angry with them for yelling. You’d just dismiss the hysterics and deal with the underlying problem.
The NYPD teaches its hostage negotiators that their behavior is contagious.
Slow it down. The other person’s anger will subside with time if you don’t aggrav...
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USE ACTIVE LISTENING
letting them know you’re listening.
Chris Voss says you want to ask them open-ended questions. Ones that start with “what” or “how” are best because it’s very hard to answer them with just yes or no. Don’t judge anything they say. Just listen and acknowledge. Every now and then paraphrase back to them what you’re hearing. Your goal is for them to reply “Exactly.”
resist the urge to open your mouth when they say something you disagree with.
LABEL EMOTIONS
Respond to their emotions by saying “Sounds like you’re angry” or “Sounds like this really upsets you.”
MAKE THEM THINK
“What would you like me to do?” This forces them to consider options and think instead of just vent.
