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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Eric Barker
Read between
June 24 - July 7, 2021
seeing love as a “journey” is quite healthy: “It may be romantic for lovers to think they were made for each other, but it backfires when conflicts arise and reality pokes the bubble of perfect unity. Instead, thinking about love as a journey, often involving twists and turns but ultimately moving toward a destination, takes away some of the repercussions of relational conflicts.”
Positive thinking, by itself, doesn’t work.
while dreaming, we feel good. But dreaming ends up increasing depression later on. Fantasizing gives us the reward before we’ve accomplished the task and saps the energy we need to realize it. More dreams now mean less achievement later. While positive self-talk and optimism can definitely help us not quit, by themselves they don’t guarantee we’ll achieve our goals. Now, dreaming isn’t inherently bad—but it’s just the first step. Next comes facing that awful buzzkill called “reality” and its ever-present obstacles. After you dream, think, What’s getting in the way of my fantasy? And what will
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“mental contrasting” but, c’mon. Who wouldn’t rather say “WOOP”?) WOOP—wish, outcome, obstacle, plan—is applicable to most any of your goals, from career to relationships to exercise and weight loss.
1. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO BE GRITTY AT?
2. ARE YOU OPTIMISTIC?
“flexible optimism.” Being a little pessimistic at times keeps us honest. But when the risks are very low (which is true, frankly, for most things) or when the payoffs are very high (such as a career you might want to devote your life to) optimism is the way to go. It’s a balance.
With the little things, show optimism. What have you got to lose? And with the big things that can change your life, optimism is the fuel to push yourself past the odds. When things seem high risk and low reward, pessimism is a tool you can dust off
3. DO YOU HAVE A MEANINGFUL STORY?
4. HAVE YOU MADE IT A GAME?
Ever wonder why it’s so easy to help other people with their problems but often so hard to deal with your own? That distance you feel with your friend’s issues shifts them from emotionally fraught problems to fun challenges. They go from stress grenades to cool puzzles.
5. YOU ARE A GRIT MACHINE. ARE YOU THINKING LIKE A SICK PERSON?
6. YOU’RE ALMOST THERE. HAVE YOU ADDED SOME “LITTLE BETS”?
Stories and limits—that’s what grit and quit come down to.
Are extroverts more successful?
Everyone enjoys the company of close friends and everyone needs some alone time. That’s not terribly insightful. The key question is how do you recharge your batteries? Is your idea of fun a party or reading a book? Do you prefer to be one-on-one with close friends or “the more the merrier”? Introversion–extroversion is one of the most established categories in psychology, but many specifics about it are still debated.
extroverts get more “reward value” from social activities and from being the center of attention.
loud, busy places quickly tip an introvert into overstimulation, whereas extroverts devoid of a stimulating environment get bored.
research pretty consistently shows extroverts make more money.
“childhood extraversion positively predicted . . . extrinsic success.”
Drinkers make more money. Smokers don’t. Drinkers make 10 percent more than abstainers. And males that hit a bar at least once a month make another 7 percent on top of that. Why does liquor make you richer? Unlike smoking, drinking is primarily a social activity.
Want to be CEO? Wanna be top dog? In a study of four thousand managers, people who scored “very high” on extroversion were disproportionately represented.
Research shows that you don’t actually need to know more to be seen as a leader.
the importance of “weak ties” showed that you don’t usually find out about that next great opportunity from close friends. You tend to hear about the same things they do. People who have more peripheral acquaintances are more plugged in and learn about emerging possibilities.
extroverts are luckier. A big part of the science of luck was about encountering new opportunities. In the same way that having a large network opens you up to job opportunities, it exposes you to all kinds of other new possibilities.
extroverts are even happier than introverts when alone, and one study showed that when introverts pretend to be extroverts, they were happier too.
Remember that ten-thousand-hour theory of expertise? Well, without anybody bothering you, you have a lot of time to get really good at stuff. In this age of constant distractions, we can all learn something from Newton. Yes, extroverts can draw on the resources of an incredible network, but that doesn’t leave a lot of time for something important: hard, lonely work in the trenches. You see, the superpower of introverts is that they are far more likely to become experts in their field.
The more extroverted you are, the worse you are at your job. As we saw, having lots of friends has clear benefits . . . but can also be an enormous distraction.
nine out of ten top athletes identify as introverts.
extroverts are more likely to become leaders and to be perceived as effective. But are they really effective?
Whether an introvert or an extrovert is the better leader depends on whom they are leading. When employees are passive, the social, energetic extroverts really shine. However, when you’re dealing with very motivated workers, introverts do better because they know how to listen, help, and get out of the way.
the remaining two-thirds are what are called ambiverts. They’re somewhere in between. It’s a spectrum.
If you can’t stand a moment alone, sure, get that MBA and chase that leadership position over a passive workforce. You’re built for it. If people drive you crazy, dive deep into your passion, earn those ten thousand hours, and be renowned as the best in your field. But the bulk of us need to know when to turn on our extrovert side and build that network and when to close the door and develop those skills.
while extroverts may have a natural talent for networking, it’s a skill any of us can develop, and it doesn’t have to feel gross or fake.
when we try to meet someone just to get something from them, it makes us feel immoral. The people who feel least sleazy about networking are powerful people. But those who need to network the most—the least powerful—are the most likely to feel bad about it. We like networking better when it’s serendipitous, when it feels like an accident, not deliberate and Machiavellian.
Friends are just family we choose. This allows us to collaborate on a scale that’s impossible for other animals. This is the secret to our success as a species. It’s also the secret to your success as an individual: friendship.
some of the fundamentals of friendship,
See that boy playing with the same toys you like to play with? Introduce yourself. We all choose to be friends with people who are like us.
Even similarity of stuff you don’t like helps you bond with others. Research shows that shared complaints make us feel closer to others.
Ask them questions and listen. You’re likely to hear something you can connect over. Beyond that, listening is vital to bonding—and it’s something most of us are terrible at.
“seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.” Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying right now. Found something you both have in common? Great. Don’t be afraid to pay the person a sincere compliment. Research shows we like compliments more than sex or money.
Asking for advice, however, can really help others warm to you.
Friends do each other favors. They don’t have a goal or payoff in mind. So rely on karma. There’s plenty of research showing that trying to make others in your network happy makes the happiness come back to you.
START WITH THE FRIENDS YOU ALREADY HAVE
the quickest and easiest ways to boost your network isn’t to pass your business card out on street corners; it’s to just reconnect with old friends.
when we leverage Facebook to set up face-to-face meetings, it boosts our happiness. When we use it as a substitute, however, it increases loneliness.
FIND YOUR “SUPERCONNECTORS”
You probably met the vast majority of your friends through a handful of “superfriends”—the buddies of yours who are most like Panda. So when it comes to trying to expand your network and make new friends, do what works. If you look at your Facebook friends or address book contacts, you’ll find that you met many of them through a small group of people. Reaching out to these “superfriends” and saying, “Whom do you know that I should meet?” will produce disproportionate results.
MAKE THE TIME—AND THE BUDGET
Making time is the most fundamental way to show someone is important to you and that you care. So allocate an amount in advance to make sure networking goes from something you’d “like to do” to something that actually gets done.
