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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Eric Barker
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June 24 - July 7, 2021
Don’t solve their problem and tell them what to do. That puts you back in a war metaphor. Help them solve their own problem by asking questions, feeding their responses back to them, and subtly helping them consider whether what they’re saying makes sense. If they come up with a solution, they’re more likely to follow through with it. They don’t have to concede defeat and say “You’re right.” They’ll be less defensive if they solve their own problem.
What’s the most important thing that makes people want to stay friends with you over the long haul? A little thing called gratitude.
“Counting your blessings” is not just good advice your grandmother gave you; it’s also one of the most scientifically proven ways to increase your happiness.
“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.”
KNOW WHO YOU ARE
knowing whether you’re an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert and making sure everything is aligned with that so you can best leverage your natural superpowers. In chapter 1 it was “pick the right pond”; here it’s “pick the right role.”
IN THE END, IT’S ALL ABOUT FRIENDSHIP
Almost all of the principles of influence are based around friendship. Using these techniques isn’t insincere if you’re actually trying to make a pal.
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL ARE ALWAYS GETTING AND GIVING
If you’re not always giving and getting you’ll never be making all the progress you could. Ask for help from those above you,
YOUR NETWORK INFLUENCES YOU, LIKE IT OR NOT. MAKE SURE IT’S A GOOD ONE.
surround yourself with the people you want to be.
Gratitude is the tactical nuke of happiness and the cornerstone of long-lasting relationships.
celebrate his “stabbiversary” every year, to remind himself how lucky he is.
Thank the people around you. Relationships are the key to happiness, and taking the time to say “thanks” renews that feeling of being blessed.
while we say “thanks” regularly to family, only 15 percent show gratitude at work. And 35 percent of those surveyed said their boss never says it.
Sometimes the mere appearance of confidence can be the difference between winning and losing.
successful people are confident. And the more successful people become, often the more confident they are.
your level of confidence is at least as important as how smart you are when it comes to how much money you end up making.
Studies show overconfidence increases productivity and causes you to choose more challenging tasks, which make you shine in the workplace. Overconfident people are more likely to be promoted than those who have actually accomplished more.
“Self-deception has been associated with stress reduction, a positive self-bias, and increased pain tolerance, all of which could enhance motivation and performance during competitive tasks.”
“We don’t necessarily want to hire narcissists but might end up doing so because they come off as being self-confident and capable.”
Successful people have a high “internal locus of control.” In other words, they do not feel like victims of fate. They see their success as a function of their own motivation and ability—not luck, random chance, or fate. They carry this belief even when luck does play a crucial role in success.
If confidence is so powerful, should we simply pretend to have it when we don’t?
displaying overconfidence makes others feel you’re both competent and higher in status.
smiling when you’re sad can make you feel happy, and moving like you’re powerful actually makes you more resistant to pain. Other studies show that a feeling of control reduces stress—even if you’re not in control. The perception is all that matters.
Faking it can be a very bad strategy, because when you fool others you can end up fooling yourself.
We all have a touch of delusion (everybody’s kids seem to be above average and not many people admit to being a bad driver), but when that goes beyond normal thresholds, things get problematic.
Incompetence is a problem that inexperienced people have, and all things being equal, we don’t entrust inexperienced people with all that much power or authority. Overconfidence is usually the mistake of experts, and we do give them a lot of power and authority. Plain and simple, incompetence is frustrating, but the people guilty of it usually can’t screw things up that bad. The people guilty of overconfidence can do much more damage.
Want to know which CEOs will run their company into the ground? Count how many times they use the word “I” in their annual letter to shareholders.
The Dunning-Kruger effect is this odd phenomenon of people with the least experience being the most confident because they don’t have the experience to judge just how challenging something is.
Even if our confidence starts out justified, we often fall down that slippery slope and begin to think we’re skilled beyond our little domain. It’s not that we’re dumb; it’s just that the story we tell ourselves makes us feel too powerful and we get sloppy.
Power reduces empathy, makes us hypocritical, and causes us to dehumanize others. To a degree, there’s a good reason for this: people in powerful positions need to make hard decisions that may be bad in the short term but good in the long term.
feelings of power cause us to be more selfish and more likely to commit infidelity.
the downsides of confidence: denial and jerk-itude.
Lower self-confidence reduces not only the chances of coming across as arrogant but also of being deluded. Indeed, people with low self-confidence are more likely to admit their mistakes—instead of blaming others—and rarely take credit for others’ accomplishments. This is arguably the most important benefit of low self-confidence because it points to the fact that low self-confidence can bring success, not just to individuals but also to organizations and society.
Confidence makes it very hard for us to learn and improve.
“Although our self-confident delusions can help us achieve, they can make it difficult for us to change.” When we’re less sure, we’re more open to new ideas and we’re actively and passively scanning the world for new ones.
Hubris has the double whammy of making you so sure you’re right that you don’t listen, and over the long term you act like such a tool that nobody wants to talk to you, let alone disagree with you.
two benefits to humility: it’s a reality check and it keeps us from being arrogant. He argues that humility actually drives self-improvement because we can see the gap between where we are and where we want to be.
Low self-confidence may turn you into a pessimist, but when pessimism teams-up with ambition it often produces outstanding performance. To be the very best at anything, you will need to be your harshest critic, and that is almost impossible when your starting point is high self-confidence.
Approaching issues with a critical eye can discourage you because you’re finding faults, but it’s also the first step toward improvement.
Novices seek and need positive feedback because it keeps them working at something they’re not very good at. But there’s a tipping point. As someone becomes an expert they deliberately seek out negative feedback so they know how to keep improving now that their mistakes are fewer and subtler.
We need optimism and confidence to keep going and convince others to join our cause, but negativity and pessimism help us see problems so we can make them better.
if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.” And how did he deal with people who were outright hostile? “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”
Overconfidence makes you feel good, gives you grit, and impresses others—but can also make you an arrogant jerk who alienates people, doesn’t improve, and possibly loses everything because of denial. Being less confident gives you the drive and tools to become an expert and makes other people like you . . . but it doesn’t feel so good and can send a lousy signal to others about your competence.
what’s the alternative to self-confidence? University of Texas professor Kristin Neff says it’s “self-compassion.” Compassion for yourself when you fail means you don’t need to be a delusional jerk to succeed and you don’t have to feel incompetent to improve. You get off the yo-yo experience of absurd expectations and beating yourself up when you don’t meet them. You stop lying to yourself that you’re so awesome. Instead, you focus on forgiving yourself when you’re not.
increasing self-compassion has all the benefits of self-esteem—but without the downsides. You can feel good and perform well while not turning into a jerk or being unable to improve.
They saw themselves and the world more accurately but didn’t judge themselves as harshly when they failed. Meanwhile, people focused on self-esteem often feel the need to delude themselves or to dismiss negative—but useful—feedback in order to still feel good about themselves.
one of the things self-confidence definitely does is make you happier. Guess what? Self-compassion does too, but without all the negatives:
