Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Every great love story is a never-ending conversation.

Whether you and your partner are talkative or quiet, the words that pass between you, as well as the expressions and gestures that accompany those words, will define and determine your relationship.

A true love story isn’t a fairy tale. It takes vulnerability and effort.

i have good feeling about this book

The reward is that you love your partner more on your fiftieth anniversary than you did on your wedding night...

While the expectations for marriage and partnership have never been higher, and the challenges have never been greater, it isn’t a coin toss. It’s not chance. It’s choice.

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts. A lifetime of love is created every single day you are together.

It never ends. You can spend a lifetime being curious about the inner world of your partner, and being brave enough to share your own inner world, and never be

done discovering all there is to know about each other. It’s exciting. It’s daunting. And it’s one of the greatest life adventures you can take.

Perfection is not the price of love. Practice is. We practice how to express our love and how to receive our partner’s love. Love is an action even more than a feeling. It requires intention and attention, a practice we call attunement.

Make dedicated, nonnegotiable time for each other a priority, and never stop being curious about your partner.

In short, never stop asking questions. But ask the right kind of questions.

how to have the conversations that lead to intimacy, to awareness, and to a deep and meaningful understanding of one another—the ways you’re the same and the ways you’re different.

Decades of research show that the great relationships—the masters—are built on respect, empathy, and a profound understanding of each other. Relationships don’t last without talk, even for the strong and silent type.

Because this is for sure: Happily ever after doesn’t mean there are no challenges or conflict.

Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming.

We are, in fact, attracted to many kinds of people who are very different from ourselves.

Staying in love takes a level of vulnerability that isn’t always comfortable.

Inevitably there will be bumps in the road as you try to navigate two different lives, two different childhoods, two different family histories. Listen and learn, share and invite.

Differences are the norm. Ultimately, your differences can enrich the relationship if you can understand and accept them.

remember that most couples are more dissimilar than similar. That’s okay.

Our partners don’t always have to think like we think. That’s what mak...

One of the great gifts of relationship and marriage—and there are many—is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another person, intimately, deeply,

profoundly, in a way we’re almost never able to do with another human being. If you approach the mystery that is your partner with curiosity, your relationship and your life will be immeasurably enriched.

Fondness, Affection, Admiration: Either verbally or nonverbally, the couple expresses positive affect (warmth, humor, affection); they emphasize the good times; they compliment their partner.

They don’t describe themselves as separate.

Expansiveness versus Withdrawal: The couple describes memories about their shared past vividly and distinctly,

They are positive and energetic talking about their relationship, versus lacking energy and enthusiasm in recalling their past. They express intimate information about themsel...

In “glorifying the struggle,” the couple expresses pride that they have survived difficult times, versus expressing the hopelessness of their hard times.

negative events and regrettable incidents are inevitable in all relationships. The positive switch is all about how couples positively interpret their negative events and their partner’s character, and whether in their minds on an everyday basis they maximize the positive and minimize the negative

successful marriage and relationship has,

a deep and close friendship—partners who really know each other and are, at the heart of it, on the same side, part of the same team.

The words you choose matter. Your tone of voice matters. Even your faci...

Happy relationships aren’t relationships where there is no fighting. They are relationships where repairs are made after regrettable incidents happen—and

Happy couples are not so very different from unhappy couples; they are simply able to make repairs to their relationship easier and faster so they can get back to the joy of being together.

Happy marriages or long-term relationships can significantly reduce depression, anxiety disorders, addictions, and antisocial behavior, and reduce incidents of suicide.

many relationships and marriages, fun, play, and connecting with each other become the last items on the “to-do” list.

it’s always been our special time just to focus on each other. It hasn’t always been easy, but we always find a way. Date night has saved our ass on many occasions.”

For the purposes of this book, a date is a preplanned time where the two of you leave your work life and your work-in-the-home life, and spend a set amount of time focusing on each other, and really talking and listening to each other.

time to be together and to reconnect, to fall back in love and remind yourselves that there is more to your relationship than sharing a home or coparenting children.

to leave work behind and focus on the relationship

Time: Life can feel so incredibly busy that the thought of finding time for yet one more obligation feels overwhelming.

Date nights should be sacred times to honor your relationship.

Money: Dates don’t have to be expensive; in fact, they don’t have to cost anything at all.

Childcare: Childcare is often the stickler for couples who want to go on date nights but have young children at home.

showing your commitment to your relationship with your partner, you’re nurturing your children by ensuring that they will be raised by parents in a healthy and stable relationship.

You can also download the exercises and open-ended questions from the website, workman.com/eightdates.

you want your dates mostly to take place at restaurants, make sure they are places where you can not only speak to each other freely, but also hear each other clearly.

Put Into Words What You Are Feeling

Ask Your Partner Open-Ended Questions During an Intimate Conversation

Make Exploratory Statements to Help Open Up Your Partner’s Feelings and Needs During an Intimate Conversation