Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Prerequisites for Sex: Men in general like to have sex to feel emotionally connected, and women need to feel emotionally connected to have sex.

Interestingly, the data shows that gay men have the most sex of any type of couple—two people with the fewest prerequisites—and lesbians have the least sex of any type of couple—two people with the most prerequisites.

Accepting the No: If your partner doesn’t want to have sex, the most important thing is to not take it personally.

Find ways to be affectionate and be together, even if sex has been taken off the table.

A great way to respond to no is realizing that “no” does not have to end connection.

Then one can say, “Thanks for telling me you’re not in the mood. What are you in the mood for? Do you feel like taking a walk? Watching TV? Cuddling? Just talking? Or would you like time alone?”

It’s especially hard for men to hear “no,” because research shows that being wanted sexually is essential to a...

There’s one simple way to keep the passion flowing in your relationship—kiss. Kiss a lot. Kiss often. Kiss each time you leave each other, and each time you see each other again after being apart.

When you kiss passionately, you set off a chemical cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that release dopamine and increase oxytocin, both of which make you feel good.

You can’t just think positive things about your partner, you need to verbalize them to your partner.

Making love to each other is something you do with your minds and your hearts—whether the body is involved or not.

kissing passionately for no reason at all is one universal key to a great sex life.

Talking about sex is difficult for the majority of couples, but it gets easier and more comfortable over time and the more you do

The best time to talk about sex is not when you are making love, but outside the bedroom. Sex review!

~ Lack of physical affection, flirting, intimate connection apart from sex

There is no right or wrong way to talk about sex. It starts with being brave enough to say whatever’s on your mind.

The theme is intimacy, sex, and romance.

You should bring an open mind and a willingness to be vulnerable with your partner.

Adopt a “YES, AND . . .” attitude instead of a “YES, BUT . . .”

I commit to creating our own romantic rituals for connection, and creating more passion outside of the bedroom

by expressing my affection and love for you. I commit to having a 6-second kiss every time we say goodbye or hello to each other for the next week. I commit to discussing, exploring, and renewing our sexual relationship.

The truth is we’re all savers and spenders at different times,

you both may start to feel emotionally disconnected and this puts your relationship at risk. If your time together is compromised because of one or the other’s work schedule, ask each other the following questions: For the partner working long hours: What does your work mean to you?

for example, you’d like to spend three hours a day connecting, and two hours a day solo, and the reality is you spend about one hour for both—then you know what areas you need to work on and what your priorities are.

They loved us, but I think with so many children their parenting was always about logistics and basic survival.

If you get married thinking that you can get your partner to change their mind on this issue somewhere down the line, you’re setting yourself up for disaster.

When you welcome a child into your relationship you experience selflessness and a love that is profound.

Falling in love with your partner is one thing, but the kind of falling in love that happens the first time you hold your newborn baby is like being hit with a meteor.

There’s no doubt that children need, demand, and deserve your love, time, and attention, but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your...

they have kids, they put the baby first and the marriage second. That works for some people. For us, I find, we put our marriage first and our child second, because the best thing we can do for him is have a strong marriage.

everything goes according to plan, those children will leave the house. And when it’s just the two of you once again, your relationship is going to be lacking if you haven’t maintained your intimacy or your connection.

If you’ve decided to have children and you want to stay away from the bottom of the U-shaped curve, then you both need to have two main goals.

If you choose to have a family, it’s imperative to continue to carve out special time to focus on each other, to continue to have a satisfying sex life, and to continue to build rituals for connection and intimacy.

The greatest gift for a child is a loving relationship between parents. This is the foundation that he or she will build on for a lifetime.

I commit to creating a loving family. If we do have children, I commit to avoiding destructive conflict and continuing to make our relationship a priority.

The most important thing is to find all of the ways you can to play together and support each other in your separate adventures.

Play isn’t just about being with each other, it’s about connecting with each other.

We created a new shared experience and that has helped us to remain in love year after year of marriage.”

Newness is the key, so shake up your routines, try something different, and explore what play and adventure mean to both of you.

“We aren’t the same people we were when we first started dating, and we know we’re not going to be the same people five years from now,”

“It’s exciting to see who we are becoming—to support each

other as we change and grow. We are in this constant process of getting to know ourselves and getting to k...

We don’t want to have children, so it’s just going to be us exploring this crazy life and everything it can mean.”

relationships can be more than just two individuals coming together—they can be stories of transformation and great contribution and meaning in the world.

we need to welcome conflict as a way of learning how to love each other better and how to understand this person with a very different mind than our own.

Life can be a struggle. Relationships can be a struggle.

When each partner honors and supports the other’s dreams, everything else in the relationship gets easier, because each person feels supported in being and becoming who they need and want to be.

Everyone makes sacrifices, but you can’t surrender your dreams. You can’t suppress them.

Your relationship is a great adventure. Treat it as such. Be curious. Be vulnerable. Be willing to venture outside your comfort zone. Learn to listen. Be brave enough to talk. Share your hopes, your fears, and your dreams.

lifetime of love is made up of the small moments and interactions you have with each other.