Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

by John M. Gottman

Express Tolerance, Empathy, and Understanding Toward Your Partner During an Intimate Conversation

Listening is an action; you have to commit to it. And you can’t do that if you don’t get out of your own head. If you stay inside yourself, the voice you hear will be your own, and not your loved one’s.

Be Attentive: Put away your smartphone, your tablet, and any other gadgets.

Be Present: Conversation is about dialogue, so listening isn’t about just pressing the pause button on your

while your partner is speaking, avoid thinking about what you will say next, or preparing your rebuttal. Instead, just LISTEN.

Ask Questions: If you don’t understand something, ask questions and then listen to the answers.

Tune In: It’s your job as a listener to tune in to your partner’s feelings.

You don’t have to make your partner feel better

Your only goal is simply to listen and to try to understand.

Witness: A big part of listening i...

our partner doesn’t actually know what’s going on in our head, despite the fact that we often think they should.

Avoid Judgment: Don’t be critical and don’t give advice unless your partner asks for it.

Remember the goal in these conversations isn’t to prove that you’re right in your beliefs or that your partner is wrong. The goal is to understand the similarities and differences that you have and to create empathy for why you each see the world the way that you do.

Magnify Acceptance: In these conversations you’ll be going deeper into understanding one another, and that takes a high level of vulnerability.

Books were my comfort. I just lost myself in books.

trust is about than just not cheating on each other, which is the simple way to think about commitment and trust. It’s just giving your word on something—whether it’s a big something or a little something—and being true to it.”

In a relationship, commitment is a choice we make every single day, over and over again.

We choose it no matter what attractive person crosses our path.

When we make our relationship a priority by showing that it’s a priority, we build trust and demonstrate our loyalty far beyond any words we say in

So what does true commitment mean?

we resist possibilities with other people. We’re faithful sexually and faithful emotionally to our partner. We maintain boundaries in our relationships outside the marriage.

create a wall around the two of you with an open window between you.

you have to be aware of your boundaries, and it’s a huge red flag if one of you starts keeping secrets from your partner about any new friendship.

if we’re committed, we have given this person everything we have to offer. There’s nothing left over for another lover.

Choosing commitment means accepting your partner exactly as he or she is, despite their flaws.

True commitment is choosing each other over and over again, because ultimately what makes relationships work is the decision to make them work.

These Negative Comps become a dangerous way of dealing with our negative feelings within the relationship.

no commitment in your relationship.

You’re always thinking maybe you can do better.

Wonderland isn’t really all that great a place—there’re scary things, challenging things, and things that are also interesting and fascinating. It’s an adventure, and Alice doesn’t know what’s in store for her, but she jumps in anyway.

Alice doesn’t look back and doesn’t question the adventure she’s chosen. That’s commitment.

You’re both still looking over your shoulder thinking the grass would be greener if you had followed some other rabbit down some other rabbit hole, into some different wonderland.”

The fact is, couples that are truly committed to each other don’t have one foot out the door. They have invested everything in this one relationship. All their eggs are in one basket.

And they don’t spend time thinking that their ideal partner is still out there somewhere,

that fantasy person will be easier to live with or more adept at...

than the very real, very human, very flawed person they chose to love...

If things aren’t going well in their relationship, they voice their concerns to their partner instead of complaining ab...

Committing to a relationship requires a certain level of vulnerability that can be way more frightening than anything Ali...

These are all very real fears we may have when we decide to commit to one person for a lifetime.

we fall in love we are often on our very best behavior. We lead with the healthiest side of ourselves. But as relationships progress, each person gets more real, more transparent, and therefore more vulnerable. None of us has it all together, and none of us is without our idiosyncrasies or insecurities no matter how together we may appear.

Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen your relationship needs to breathe.

Trust is also built over time, and over lots of conversations—like

Not showing up on time Not making their partner a priority Not being there when their partner is hurting or sick Not contributing to the well-being of the family (me rather than we) Not keeping promises Keeping secrets Lying Humiliating or putting down partner in public or private Commiting an act of emotional or physical infidelity

Do you cherish me? How important am I to you? Do I come first in your life? Will you take me for granted? Are you always looking around for someone better than me?

Each partner names the feelings he or she experienced during the incident or breach in trust, without blame or criticism.

The receiving partner listens without feedback or judgment.

Commitment is actually built on thinking and then communicating to one’s partner that he or she is precious, and not replaceable.

On the other hand, betrayal is nurtured by communicating to one’s partner that he or she is lacking certain qualities we simply cannot do without, and therefore is highly replaceable.

Everyday commitment, which is what trust is comprised

If things are not going well, you give voice to your feelings and needs to your partner, rather than complaining to someone else.