Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

But over the years, Sherrie noted a shift in the relationship. It started off subtly, then became more pronounced.

Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out. It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t. We can’t do everything.

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries.

Misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these issues has led to much wrong teaching about boundaries. Not only that, but many clinical psychological symptoms, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, addictions, impulsive disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, panic disorders, and marital and relational struggles, find their roots in conflicts with boundaries.

The goal of this chapter is to help you define your intangible boundaries and to recognize them as an ever-present reality that can increase your love and save your life. In reality, these boundaries define your soul, and they help you to guard it and maintain it (Prov. 4:23).

“Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy” (Prov. 14:10).

We are responsible to others and for ourselves. “Carry each other’s burdens,” says Galatians 6:2, “and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” This verse shows our responsibility to one another.

Galatians 6:5 says that “each one should carry their own load.” Everyone has responsibilities that only he or she can carry. These things are our own particular “load” that we need to take daily responsibility for and work out.

They help us to guard our heart “with all diligence” (Prov. 4:23 NASB).

They guard our treasures (Matt. 6:19–20) so that people will not steal them. They keep the pearls inside and the pigs outside (Matt. 7:6).

Confessing pain and sin helps to “get it out” so that it does not continue to poison me on the inside (1 John 1:9; James 5:16; Mark 7:21–23).

And when the good is on the outside, we need to open our gates and “let it in.” Jesus speaks of this phenomenon in “receiving” him and his truth (Rev. 3:20; John 1:12).

Other people have good things to give us, and we need to “open wide our hearts” to them (2 Cor. 6:11–13).

(John 17:11).

Being clear about your no—and your yes—is a theme that runs throughout the Bible (Matt. 5:37; James 5:12).

Many passages of Scripture urge us to say no to others’ sinful treatment of us (Matt. 18:15–20).

Removing yourself from the situation will also cause the one who is left behind to experience a loss of fellowship that may lead to changed behavior (Matt. 18:17–18; 1 Cor. 5:11–13).

When a relationship is abusive, many times the only way to finally show the other person that your boundaries are real is to create space until they are ready to deal with the problem. The Bible supports the idea of limiting togetherness for the sake of “binding evil.”

“fruit in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8).

To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.

Paul is not kidding in 2 Thessalonians 3:10 when he says that if anyone will not work, don’t let him or her eat. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Hunger is a consequence of laziness (Prov. 16:26).

We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the fruit of “self-control” (Gal. 5:23).

Paul would not even accept a gift that he felt was given because the giver felt he “had to” give it. He once sent back a gift so “that any favor you do would not seem forced but would be voluntary” (Philem. 1:14).

What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right.

Aggressive controllers.

Instead of saying, “You’ll make your bed or you’ll be grounded for a month,” the parent says, “You have a choice: Make your bed, and I’ll let you play Xbox; don’t make your bed, and you lose your Xbox privileges for the rest of the day.” The child decides how much pain he is willing to endure to be disobedient.

“Speak truthfully to your neighbor, for [you] are all members of one body” (Eph. 4.25).

The Bible tells us to tell the truth to each other about our lacks so that we may be healed (James 5:16).

When a conflict with one significant person can bring us to despair, it is possible that we are too focused and dependent on that person to meet our needs.

In Jesus’s letters to the seven churches in Revelation, he singles out three—Ephesus, Pergamum, and Thyatira: 1. He praises their accomplishments (gratitude). 2. He then tells them that even so, he has “something against” them (2:4, 14, 20). 3. He finally confronts their irresponsibilities (boundaries).

Never say to a third party something about someone that you do not plan to say to the person himself.

“I just wanted to tell you that the only reason we’re friends is because I’m committed to our friendship. There’s nothing that draws me to you. I don’t particularly enjoy your company. But I will keep choosing to be your friend.”

Each spouse needs to respect the other’s physical body boundaries.

One should always remember Jesus’ principle: “Treat others as you would want to be treated.”

Your words need to be clear and spoken in love.

Don’t pout or withdraw. Say things like, “I do not feel comfortable with that. I ...

Paul says that “each of you must put off falsehood and speak trut...

This includes telling the other person when he is not aware that he is violating...

When you need time away, tell your spouse.

Communicate clearly so your spouse does not feel as though he is being punished, but knows he is experiencing the consequences of his out-of-control behavior (Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 5:9–13).

Bible teaches that we are to judge a person by her actions, not by her words (James 2:14–26).

Each spouse needs time apart from the relationship.

The Proverbs 31 wife has a life of her own; she is out doing many things.

Communicate consequences clearly and enforce them firmly as you have said you would. Spelling out consequences in advance and enforcing them gives your spouse a choice about whether or not he or she wants the consequences to happen.

Many marital problems arise when a husband tries to keep his wife “under the law,” and she feels all the emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, insecurity, and alienation (Rom. 4:15; James 2:10; Gal. 5:4).

Is the husband’s relationship with his wife full of grace and unconditional love? Is she in a position of “no condemnation” as the church is (Rom. 8:1), or does her husband fail to “wash her” of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians 5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not submitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting, she and her husband do not have a grace-filled Christian marriage; they have a marriage “under the law.”

She is confronting the truth and setting biblical limits on hurtful behavior. Often, when the wife sets boundaries, the husband begins to grow up.

Unforgiving people allow other people to control them. Setting people who have hurt you free from an old debt is to stop wanting something from them; it sets you free as well. Forgiving can lead to proactive behavior in the present instead of passive wishes from the past.

Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries in our children. It provides a structure of safety until children have enough structure in their character not to need it. Good discipline always moves children toward more internal structure and more responsibility.

(2 Cor. 1:4).