Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

by Henry Cloud

(Mark 6:31).

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Prov. 13:12).

The Bible requires responsible action out of the one who is given to. If you do not see it after a season, set limits (Luke 13:9).

Remember the proverb “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you” (Prov. 9:7–8).

Romans 12:2

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

“‘I have the right to do anything,’—but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Cor. 6:12).

The same principle applies to your digital life. If you are incapable of not using it, you have been mastered.

Omnipotence. These people have unrealistic, somewhat grandiose expectations of what they can accomplish in a given amount of time. “No problem—I’ll do it” is their motto.

Lack of realistic anxiety. They live so much in the present that they neglect to plan ahead for traffic, parking the car, or dressing for an outing.

Rationalization. They minimize the distress and inconvenience that others must put up with because of their lateness. They think, “They’re my friends—they’ll understand.”

Distractibility. Poor finishers are unable to focus on a project until it’s done. They have often never developed competent concentration skills.

Inability to delay gratification. Poor finishers are unable to work through the pain of a project to experience the satisfaction of a job well done. They want to go directly to the pleasure. They are like children who want to eat dessert before they eat the well-balanced meal.

Inability to say no to other pressures. Poor finishers are unable to say no to other people and projects. They don’t ...

It’s easy to see the boundary problems inherent in those with task completion problems. Their internal no hasn’t been developed enough to keep them focused on finishing things.

Ecclesiastes puts it: “Woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help” (4:10 NRSV).

Just as the branch withers without the vine

(John 15:1–6),

we can sustain neither life nor emotional repair without bonding to God and others. God and his people are the fuel, the energy source from which any problem is addressed. We need to be “joined and held together by every supporting liga...

Will is only strengthened by relationship; we can’t make commitments alone. God told Moses to encourage and strengthen Joshua (Deut. 3:28); he didn’t tell Moses to tell Joshua to “just say no.”

(1 Cor. 1:17).

The truth is, willpower alone is useless against self-boundary struggles:

(Col. 2:20–23)

(1 Thess. 2:11–12).

The problem is that many people with self-boundary struggles are also quite isolated from deep relationships. They have no “rootedness” in God or others (Eph. 3:17).

(Luke 11:24–26)

We are drawn to Jesus because “he learned obedience from what he suffered” (Heb. 5:8).

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently” (Gal. 6:1).

(Ps. 1:3)

(Matt. 22:37–40).

“Love God, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

(2 Peter 3:9; Ezek. 18:23),

(Matt. 21:28–31).

“It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it” (Eccl. 5:5).

(Ps. 51:6 NASB).

(John 4:23–24).

(2 Cor. 12:7–9).

(Gen. 18:16–33).

(Isa. 1:18

(Luke 18:1–8).

(Luke 11:5–9).

(Matt. 15:21–28).

(Matt. 22:1–14).

(Rom. 5:11; Col. 1:19–20).

(Col. 1:21)

(John 17:20–23),

People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves.

Their wish is being frustrated, and they get angry because they have not learned to delay gratification or to respect others’ freedom (Prov. 19:19).

Angry people have a character problem. If you reinforce this character problem, it will return tomorrow and the next day in other situations. It is not the situation that’s making them angry, but the feeling that they are entitled to things from others. They want to control others, and as a result, they have no control over themselves. So when they lose their wished-for control over someone, they “lose it.” They get angry.

The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn wha...