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by
Rick Hanson
Read between
August 20, 2022 - October 24, 2023
A reacts to B, who reacts to A, who then overreacts to B, who then really overreacts to A, and on and on. Things go much better if you slow them down. Give yourself—and the other person—the gift of time: time to take a breath or two, figure out what the other person is really saying, allow the first waves of fight-or-flight reactions to pass through your body, and recognize and restrain impulsive words and actions that you’ll regret later. Those extra seconds before you speak help others feel less like they’re on the receiving end of a rat-a-tat-tat barrage of words and emotional intensity.
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With this in mind, as an experiment, you could commit for a day to not speaking or acting from anger. I’ve tried this myself and it has helped me slow down, tune into the hurt or worry beneath my anger, and then talk in a more heartfelt and less critical or pushy way. You can still feel the anger, acknowledge what you’re feeling to others, and address whatever is at issue. Meanwhile, see what it’s like to separate out the anger from everything else in your mind and not let it be the controlling force behind what you say or do.
People who are resilient are also able to pursue opportunities in the face of challenges. They are able to start doing things that are beneficial, to stop doing things that are harmful, and to keep on going day after day without getting too stressed about it.
There’s a saying that liking without wanting is heaven, but wanting without liking is hell. When you like something without wanting it, you’re able to enjoy it fully. There is no tension around the experience, no holding on to it or fearing when it will end. In the moment, there is freedom from want. Then your beneficial experiences tend to last longer and feel more rewarding.
embedded in this auto-wanting is also an underlying feeling of restlessness and a subtle sense that the moment, every moment, is never fully satisfactory as it is. This hunger for the next thing pulls us away from appreciating what we have and toward wanting what we lack. It’s poignant that we habitually seek satisfaction with a mindset shaded with dissatisfaction, which holds complete contentment always just out of reach.
Be aware of the sense of experiences as being pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. This is their hedonic tone. We like and approach things that have a pleasant hedonic tone, dislike and avoid things that are unpleasant, and ignore or move on from things that are neutral.
Imagine a kind of inner dashboard and notice when red lights of wanting start flashing on it. Get to know different “flavors” of wanting. For example, be mindful of what it’s like to feel urgent, pressured, contracted, insistent, demanding, compelled, craving, or addicted. Step back and observe the elements of an experience of wanting: the thoughts and images, bodily sensations, emotions, facial expressions, posture, and actions. Notice how wanting feels different from liking.
be mindful of the general sense of being already full, that this moment is already enough; try the practice in the box. If you repeatedly internalize these experiences of satisfaction—even mild and passing experiences in daily life—they will gradually build up an unconditional feeling of contentment deep down inside you. Then you’ll carry an underlying happiness with you wherever you go. You won’t get so stressed about chasing pleasures or achievements. If they come, fine, and if not, well, you’re already happy.
Take a few breaths and relax. Notice that you are breathing … that your heart is beating … that you are going on living. There may be pain, illness, or disability, and there may be sorrow and suffering … and meanwhile you can focus on what is sufficient, on what is functioning. It could be good to have more … and still there is an enoughness already. Let the sense of this enoughness sink in. Recognize the nurturing fullness of the natural world, including its offering of oxygen to breathe and food to eat. No matter what might be missing in your life, there is still the abundance of nature, so
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If you are facing a challenge and start to feel tense or nervous, tell yourself that it is OK to speed up, breathe faster, and feel a rush of adrenaline. When you interpret things in this way—as your body’s healthy way of coping—they can feel less stressful. Remember that you have handled similar challenges in the past, and see how you are handling the current situation effectively. This will help you be more confident and less stressed.
Before entering a situation that could be exciting, intense, or even a little nerve-racking, lay a foundation of positive emotion. Bring to mind good feelings and attitudes that are matched to the basic need that is at stake. This is an application of the methods in the “Grow the Strengths You Need Most” section in Chapter 3. For example, if you are going to be running a meeting, call up past experiences in which your leadership was successful or your expertise was appreciated. Doing this will prime you to respond to any challenges with grace and good humor rather than tension and
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If negative feelings come up, label them to yourself, such as “irritation,” “worrying,” “resentment.” This will increase regulation by your prefrontal cortex and calm down your amygdala. Try to slow things down; pause a little longer than usual before you speak. Mentally, and perhaps physically, step back from the situation until the needle of your stress-o-meter climbs down from red to orange to yellow … to green again.
to have relatively few dopamine receptors. It just means that a person is aided by increasing three things: the amount of reward, the attention on it, and the sensitivity to it. In fact, increasing these three things will help anyone to keep inclining the brain, and therefore the mind, in a positive direction. You can increase the amount of reward in several ways: Choose activities that are more stimulating and pleasurable (e.g., get exercise through playing a sport rather than jogging on a treadmill). Add new rewards, such as doing an activity with other people. Vary the details of what
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When you are doing whatever it is that you want to motivate, repeatedly focus on what feels pleasurable about it. Again and again and again: this is how to create surges of dopamine that will train the motivational circuit. Keep looking for what could be fresh or surprising about what you’re doing. Dopamine spikes when the brain encounters novelty. Also, help yourself get as excited or intense as is appropriate. This increases adrenaline, which strengthens the association between the activity and its rewards.
There are basically two ways to get yourself up the mountains of life: through guidance or criticism, through drawing on the inner nurturer or the inner critic. Consider the differences between these two approaches: GUIDANCE CRITICISM What is the goal What isn’t the goal What’s right What’s wrong Kind tone Harsh tone Compassionate Dismissive Builds up Tears down
Intimacy rests on a foundation of personal autonomy, empathy, compassion and kindness, and unilateral virtue in relationships.
Deliberately tell yourself things such as: “I get to decide what’s right for me.” “I don’t have to agree with you.” “You and I are different and that’s OK.” “I do not have to give you what you want.”
Intimacy supports autonomy, so tune into an internal sense of others who are on your side, which will help you stand up for yourself. Think about people who like you and who honor your independence. Imagine what they might say if others were being intense, pushy, or manipulative toward you.
Empathy is necessary for intimacy. It helps us make sense of tone and nuance, read intentions correctly, recognize the hurt under anger, and see the being behind the other person’s eyes. Then we can communicate and interact more skillfully.
empathy is enabled by three neural systems that tune into the thoughts, emotions, and actions of others: Thoughts. Behind your forehead, the prefrontal cortex enables you to understand another person’s beliefs, values, and plans. Emotions. On the inside of the temporal lobes on the sides of your head, the insula gets engaged when you sense the feelings of others. Actions. In different parts of your brain, mirror-like networks activate both when you do something—such as reaching for a cup—and when you see another person doing it.
Cultural competence gives us insight into how we interpret what others say or do, and insight into how others could interpret our own words and actions.
emotions and attitudes are often revealed by fleeting facial expressions, especially around the eyes and mouth. Observe these, and also be aware of the other person’s posture, as well as speed and intensity of movement. Imagine what you would be feeling and wanting if you had those facial expressions and that body language yourself. This will tend to engage the mirror-like networks in your brain that tune into the actions of others.
when people feel let down or mistreated, they need to be able to speak up—to “complain” in the simple sense of the word.
Watch out for an innocence or hopefulness in yourself that, sweet as it is, could lead you into trusting another person more than is appropriate.
Focusing on the past—which you can’t change—also takes you away from what you can influence: what happens from now on, three of the most hopeful words I know.
People often swerve away from their dreams to avoid risking experiences they dread.
