Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness

by Rick Hanson

Mental resources like determination, self-worth, and kindness are what make us resilient: able to cope with adversity and push through challenges in the pursuit of opportunities.

True resilience fosters well-being, an underlying sense of happiness, love, and peace. Remarkably, as you internalize experiences of well-being, that builds inner strengths which in turn make you more resilient. Well-being and resilience promote each other in an upward spiral.

We develop mental resources in two stages. First, we need to experience what we want to grow, such as feeling grateful, loved, or confident. Second—critically important—we must convert that passing experience into a lasting change in the nervous system.

It’s not a quick fix. You must work the brain the same way you would work a muscle to change it for good: lots of little efforts add up over time.

Every human being has three basic needs—safety, satisfaction, and connection—that are grounded in our ancient evolutionary history.

this was compassion—the recognition of pain with the desire to relieve it—which can be given to oneself much as it can be given to others.

First, there’s the general principle that we should treat people with decency and compassion.

Second, the more influence we have over someone, the more responsibility we have to treat them well.

Third, being good to yourself is good for others. When people increase their own well-being, they usually become more patient, cooperative, and caring in their relationships. Think about how it would benefit others if you felt less stressed, worried, or irritated, and more peaceful, contented, and loving.

Each time I focused on these positive experiences was like working a muscle and strengthening it, again and again. With repetition, kindness and encouragement for myself gradually sank in and became a natural way of being.

The essence is simple: first, experience what you want to develop in yourself—such as compassion or gratitude—and second, focus on it and keep it going to increase its consolidation in your nervous system.

Bring to mind a time when you were on somebody’s side: perhaps a child you were protecting, a friend you were encouraging, or an aging parent with health issues. Recall what this felt like in your body—in the set of your shoulders, in the expression on your face. Recall some of your thoughts and feelings—perhaps caring, determination, even a fierce intensity. Then, knowing what it’s like to be on someone’s side, apply this attitude to yourself. Get a sense of being an ally to yourself—someone who will look out for you, help you, protect you. Recognize that you have rights and needs that matter.

Giving compassion lowers stress and calms your body. Receiving compassion makes you stronger: more able to take a breath, find your footing, and keep on going. You get the benefits of both giving and receiving compassion when you offer it to yourself.

And if there’s not much compassion for you coming from others, it’s more important than ever to give it to yourself.

self-compassion makes a person more resilient, more able to bounce back. It lowers self-criticism and builds up self-worth, helping you to be more ambitious and successful, not complacent and lazy. In compassion for your own pain is a sense of common humanity: we all suffer,

The key to growing any psychological resource, including compassion, is to have repeated experiences of it that get turned into lasting changes in neural structure or function.

You could put a hand on your heart and have thoughts such as, “May your pain ease … may you find work … may you get through this illness.” Give yourself over to compassion, letting it fill you and flow through you.

taking care of myself had to include recognizing and accepting whatever was true about the world around me. Acceptance can sit alongside other reactions. For example, a person can be out-raged by an injustice and accept that it’s a reality.

Sometimes it is skillful to nudge thoughts and feelings in a healthier, happier direction. But that only works if we accept our reactions in the first place. Otherwise, our nudging has little traction, and we’re just putting a false face on how we really feel. If we don’t accept what’s true about ourselves, we won’t see it clearly, and if we don’t see it clearly, we’ll be less able to deal with it.

Think about a friend, and different aspects of this person. Explore what it’s like to accept these aspects of your friend. See if you can feel an easing, opening, and calming as a result. Be aware of your experience. Try to accept whatever you are experiencing without adding anything to it. Can you accept the sensations of breathing as they are? If judgments come up, can you accept these, too? Try saying little things to yourself like “I accept this thought” or “I accept this pain” or “I accept that I feel grateful—or sad.” If there is resistance to something, can you accept that resistance? If certain parts of your experience are challenging, recall the sense of being on your own side and the feeling of self-compassion.

Enjoyable experiences—such as petting a cat, drinking water when you’re thirsty, or smiling at a friend—lower stress hormones, strengthen the immune system, and help you settle back down if you’ve gotten frustrated or worried.

Together, dopamine and norepinephrine flag experiences as “keepers,” heightening their consolidation as lasting resources inside your brain. Let’s say you’d like to be more patient at home or work. To grow this inner strength, look for opportunities to experience some patience. Then focus on whatever is enjoyable about it, such as how good it feels to stay calm and relaxed. An experience of patience or any other psychological resource is a state of mind, and enjoying it helps turn it into a positive trait embedded in your brain.

There is a saying in Tibet: “If you take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves.” What’s the most important minute in life? I think it’s the next one. There is nothing we can do about the past, and we have limited influence over the hours and days to come. But the next minute—minute after minute after minute—is always full of possibility.

Being mindful means staying present in this moment as it is, moment after moment, rather than daydreaming, ruminating, or being distracted.

how to use mindfulness to take care of the basic needs we all have: to be safe, satisfied, and connected.

Your nervous system is designed to be changed by your experiences—the technical term for this is experience-dependent neuroplasticity—and your experiences depend on what you’re paying attention to.

There’s an old saying: “You become what you eat.” That’s true for the body, but you—the person you are—gradually become what your attention rests upon.

In order to convert passing experiences into lasting inner strengths, we have to be able to focus attention on an experience long enough for it to start being consolidated into the nervous system.

With mindfulness, you are recollected rather than forgetful, collected and gathered together rather than scattered apart.

You can be mindful of what is in a narrow field of attention, such as getting a thread through the eye of a needle, or a very broad one, such as observing the whole ongoing stream of consciousness. And you can apply mindful awareness to both your inner and outer world, such as hurt feelings inside when somebody lets you down or a truck driving next to your car in the rain.

mindfulness itself does not try to change your experience or behavior. It is receptive and accepting, not judging or directing. Mindfulness holds your reactions in a spacious awareness that is itself never disturbed by whatever passes through it. With mindfulness, you can step back from your reactions and observe them from a more peaceful and centered place. You can accept them for what they are while at the same time not being identified with them.

Whenever you experience it, know what mindfulness feels like. You have come home to yourself. You are simply here, simply now … steadily. Also be mindful of not being mindful. Try to get faster at noticing when your attention wanders.

Tune into your breathing while talking with others or doing tasks. This will help you stay grounded in yourself and in the present moment. Return to an awareness of your breathing many, many times a day. You can use regular events such as meals to pause, collect yourself, and come into the present.

Be aware of the sensations of breathing in your face, chest, stomach, or body in general. Apply attention to the beginning of an inhalation, sustain awareness over the course of it, and then apply and sustain attention to the exhalation … breath after breath.

As you breathe, relax. Sounds and thoughts, memories and feelings, will come and go, passing through awareness. You are not trying to silence your mind. Rather, you are disengaging from distractions, neither resisting things that are unpleasant nor following after things that are pleasant. You are settling into simply being in the present, letting go of the past and not fearing or planning the future. Nothing to fix, no other place to go, no one you have to be. Rest and relax as a whole body breathing.

open to a growing peacefulness. Then at your own pace, see if you can find a sense of contentment. And when you like, open to a feeling of love. Other things may be present in awareness, such as pain or worry, and that’s all right. Let them be while you remain aware of the breath, perhaps with a growing sense of overall well-being.

A refuge is anything that protects, nurtures, or uplifts you. Life can be hard, and everyone has difficult, uncomfortable experiences. We all need refuges. What are your own? A pet or other people could be a refuge for you. My wife is a refuge for me, and Forrest’s friends are a refuge for him. Places can be refuges, such as a favorite coffee shop, or a church, library, or park. Certain things can feel like a refuge, such as a cup of coffee, a cozy sweater, or a good book at the end of a long day. You might also find refuge in different activities—perhaps walking the dog, playing your guitar, or watching some TV before bed.

If you’re being mindful and start to feel overwhelmed by whatever is coming up into awareness, focus on a refuge and the feeling it gives you. It’s like standing inside a sheltered place looking out at a storm. Eventually the storm will pass, as all experiences do, and the peaceful intact core of you will remain.

First, you can be with what’s there. Feel the feelings, experience the experience, the bitter as well as the sweet. You could explore an experience’s different aspects—such as the sensations in it, as well as emotions, thoughts, and desires—and perhaps down to more vulnerable material, like the hurt often found beneath anger.

Letting be. Observe the feelings emotions thoughts

Second, you can decrease the negative—whatever is painful or harmful—by preventing, reducing, or ending it. For example, you could vent feelings to a friend, step away from self-critical thoughts, stop bringing home cookies that fuel desires for sugar, or ease tension by relaxing your body.

Reduce the negativity by letting go

Third, you can increase the positive—whatever is enjoyable or beneficial—by creating, growing, or preserving it. You could breathe more quickly to lift your energy, remember times with friends that make you feel happy, have realistic and useful thoughts about a situation at work, or motivate yourself by imagining how good it will feel to eat healthy foods.

Letting in pleasurable emotions to uplift yourself

getting good at coping, healing, and well-being is a matter of getting good at letting be, letting go, and letting in. Mindfulness is necessary for all of these, since we can’t let be, let go, or let in without it.

The three ways to engage the mind provide a step-by-step road map for moving through an upset. Suppose you feel stressed, hurt, or angry. Start by being with whatever is happening inside you. Tune into your body, perhaps your chest tightening or a sinking feeling in your stomach. Explore your emotions, thoughts, and desires. Also look for what might be deeper and more vulnerable, such as the pain of a recent break-up beneath worries about dating again. Try to accept your experience as it is without resisting it, even if it’s uncomfortable. Be on your own side and have compassion for yourself.

Letting be - allow yourself to experience whatever is upsetting you.

Second, when it feels right, move into letting go. Take a few breaths while exhaling slowly and let any tension drain out of your body. As appropriate, you can release emotions by venting to a friend, yelling in the shower, crying, or imagining a river of light pouring through you and washing away any sad or upsetting feelings. Pull your attention away from negative thought loops. Challenge beliefs that are exaggerated or untrue by thinking of reasons why they are wrong. Try to see the big picture. Whatever has happened is probably a short chapter in the long book of your life. Know how a problematic desire—such as wanting to lash out in anger—could hurt you or others. Imagine holding that desire in your hand like a stone and then dropping it.

Letting go- of upsetting feelings by venting it out

Third, when you’re ready, shift to letting in. Recognize that you’ve come through something hard, and appreciate yourself for doing so. Let easing and relaxing spread through your body. Notice or bring to mind feelings that are natural replacements for what you have released, such as reassurance spreading inside as anxiety leaves. Focus on thoughts that are accurate and useful, replacing those that are wrong and harmful. See if there are any lessons to learn, such as ways to be kinder to yourself or more effective with others.

Letting in - a flood of positivity and reassurance.

The process of letting be, letting go, and letting in can sometimes uncover the next layer of psychological material. Then you can use the three steps to move through that layer, and perhaps additional layers, in a deepening spiral.

a deepening awareness of your wants and needs—and your thoughts and feelings about them—can help you meet them more effectively and accept yourself more fully.

notice how you’re affected by the reactions of others to your wants and needs. If they’re supportive, that probably feels good. But if they ignore, dismiss, or thwart you, it’s natural to feel that your wants and needs don’t matter and could in fact be embarrassing, even disgusting—and by extension, that you don’t matter, and that there could be something wrong with you, something you ought to suppress and hide.

We learn about wanting itself: which wants are allowed and can be pursued directly, which ones are supposed to be camouflaged and sought covertly, and which ones are considered shameful and must be denied.

three basic needs: 1. We need safety, from raw survival to knowing we won’t be attacked if we speak up. We fulfill this need by avoiding harms, such as not touching a hot stove or steering clear of certain people. 2. We need satisfaction, from having enough to eat to feeling that life is worth living. We handle this by approaching rewards, such as smelling the roses, finishing the laundry, or building a business. 3. We need connection, from expressing sexuality to feeling worthy and loved. We take care of this need by attaching to others, such as by texting a friend, feeling understood, or giving compassion.