Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts--Becoming the Person You Want to Be

by Marshall Goldsmith

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch, He said to me, “You must not ask for so much.” And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door, She cried to me, “Hey, why not ask for more?” —Leonard Cohen, “Bird on a Wire”

As he scrolled through names he realized he didn’t have a single friend nearby whom he felt comfortable calling in an emergency.

He also reflected on the remarkable kindness of his neighbor Kay, and how she had selflessly given up her day for him. For the first time in years, he thought about how he was living his life. Phil told himself, “I need to get better at making friends.” Not because he might need people like Kay to save him in the future, but because he wanted to become more like Kay.

This is a book about adult behavioral change. Why are we so bad at it? How do we get better at it? How do we choose what to change? How do we make others appreciate that we’ve changed? How can we strengthen our resolve to wrestle with the timeless, omnipresent challenge any successful person must stare down—becoming the person we want to be?

A trigger is any stimulus that reshapes our thoughts and actions.

Our environment is the most potent triggering mechanism in our lives—and not always for our benefit.

The smell of bacon wafts up from the kitchen, and we forget our doctor’s advice about lowering our cholesterol.

Fate is the hand of cards we’ve been dealt. Choice is how we play the hand.

Chances and choices

“What’s the biggest behavioral change you’ve ever made?”

if you’re in charge, it also tests your patience. You want everything done now, or even sooner. You become very demanding, and when you don’t get what you want, you can get frustrated and angry. You start treating people as the enemy. They’re not only disappointing you but making you look bad. And then you get angry.”

Regret is the emotion we experience when we assess our present circumstances and reconsider how we got here.

If my clients succeed in achieving this positive change—as judged by their stakeholders—I get paid. If the key stakeholders do not see positive change, I don’t get paid.

Truth #1: Meaningful behavioral change is very hard to do.

follicly

loath

wispy

folly,

Truth #2: No one can make us change unless we truly want to change.

He was habitually disrespectful to his direct reports, driving several of them away to work for the competition.

pummeled

browbeaten?

By our fourth meeting I gave up the ghost. I told Harry that my coaching wouldn’t be helpful to him and we parted ways. (I felt neither joy nor surprise when I later learned that the firm had fired Harry. Evidently the CEO had concluded that an individual who actively resists help has maxed out professionally and personally.)

Consider how hard it is to break a bad habit such as smoking. It’s so daunting that, despite the threat of cancer and widespread social disapproval, two-thirds of smokers who say they’d like to quit never even try. And of those who do try, nine out of ten fail. And of those who eventually quit—namely the most motivated and disciplined people—on average they fail six times before succeeding.

Achieving meaningful and lasting change may be simple—simpler than we imagine. But simple is far from easy

indefatigable

decreeing

An excuse is the handy explanation we offer when we disappoint other people.

1. If I understand, I will do.

2. I have willpower and won’t give in to temptation.

3. Today is a special day.

If we really want to change we have to make peace with the fact that we cannot self-exempt every time the calendar offers us a more attractive alternative to our usual day.

Excusing our momentary lapses as an outlier event triggers a self-indulgent inconsistency—which is fatal for change. Successful change doesn’t happen overnight. We’re playing a long game, not the short game of instant gratification that our special day provides.

4. “At least I’m better than…”

5. I shouldn’t need help and structure.

three competing impulses: 1) our contempt for simplicity (only complexity is worthy of our attention); 2) our contempt for instruction and follow-up; and 3) our faith, however unfounded, that we can succeed all by ourselves.

In combination these three trigger an unappealing exceptionalism in us. When we presume that we are better than people who need structure and guidance, we lack one of the most crucial ingredients for change: humility.

6. I won’t get tired and my enthusiasm will not fade.

We seldom recognize that self-control is a limited resource. As we become tired our self-control begins to waver and may eventually disappear.

7. I have all the time in the world.

two opposing beliefs that we simultaneously hold

1) we chronically underestimate the time it takes to get anything done; 2) we believe that time is open-ended and sufficiently spacious for us to get to ...

This faith in time’s infinite patience triggers procrastination. We will start getting better tomorrow. There’s no urgency to do it today.

8. I won’t get distracted and nothing unexpected will occur.

we seldom plan on distractions.

the high probability of low-probability events

In my coaching, I usually work with executive clients for eighteen months. I warn each client that the process will take longer than they expect because there will be a crisis. I can’t name the crisis, but it will be legitimate and real—for example, an acquisition, a defection, a major product recall—and it may dramatically extend the time they need to achieve positive change. They cannot predict it, but they should expect it—and it will distract them and slow them down.

9. An epiphany will suddenly change my life.

10. My change will be permanent and I will never have to worry again.

inculcated

If we don’t follow up, our positive change doesn’t last. It’s the difference between, say, getting in shape and staying in shape—hitting our physical conditioning goals and maintaining them. Even when we get there, we cannot stay there without commitment and discipline.