Parents Rising: 8 Strategies for Raising Kids Who Love God, Respect Authority, and Value What's Right

by Arlene Pellicane

Neil Postman wrote, “I believe I am not mistaken in saying that Christianity is a demanding and serious religion. When it is delivered as easy and amusing, it is another kind of religion altogether.”26 Of course there’s room for funny skits for kids and catchy worship songs. But faith in Christ should not be presented as entertainment all the time. A shallow faith in God will disappear when life gets tough.

The ways of God are not always entertaining or amusing, but they bring everla...

You can be easy on your children now by entertaining them, but later life will be hard on them. Or you can be tough on your children by providing for their needs but not catering to their wants, and then their lives as adults will be much easier.

Can your children amuse themselves for long periods of time without a screen? How might you help them practice this important skill?

Lord, show me what to do with the devices in our home. I dedicate our phones, computers, tablets, and screens for Your use. Help my family not to waste time with unhealthy amusement. Empower me to lead my children to do what is right and to possess self-control. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Why do we as parents tolerate and reward bad behavior? The sobering reality is when we give in to our children’s demands, we are guaranteeing a repeat performance.

Kids will continue repeating negative behaviors if we tolerate them.

The family stands at a crossroads. We have a crisis in leadership. The problem is not our children, it is us.

But the truth of the matter is we have the most power to shape our children’s development.

Somewhere in between yesterday and today is the right balance. Now more than ever, for the sake of the next generation, it’s time to seek that balance and send a clarion call to our children: We are your parents. We love you. We are in charge.

Be aware of what messages your children are wearing (and believing).

But take a closer look at these slogans. They are based on a huge sense of self and no requirement for achievement.

The self-esteem movement has not produced emotionally healthier kids. Indicators of self-esteem have risen consistently since the 1980s among middle-school, high-school, and college students, but rates of anxiety and depression have also risen right alongside.1

The number of children on antidepressants has reached an all-time high.2 American kids are much more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD or bipolar disorder or other psychiatric disorders than they were twenty-five years ago, and they are heavier and less fit. Adult obesity rates have doubled over the past thirty years, but adolescent obesity rates have tripled.

Humility simply means being as interested in other people as you are in yourself. It means that when you meet new people, you try to learn something about them before going off on a spiel about how incredible your current project is…. The opposite of humility is inflated self-esteem.6

Do you see how this commandment is foundational to all other social relationships and the following five commandments? It’s the bedrock of a decent and good society where there is respect for elders and authorities. Your relationship with your children is the basis for their other relationships in life.

The word honor derives from a root word meaning “weighty” (in terms of impressiveness or importance). When a child honors a parent, he assigns weight and importance to the words spoken by that parent. He honors the parent with appreciation, compliments, and praise. Children learn there is a loving moral authority to which they are accountable.

When the chain of command is broken, so is the home.

Children, obey your parents is not a suggestion. It’s a command. It’s not just for past generations of families. It’s for us.

Rather than the presence of something, disrespect is actually an absence of something, the absence of honor for someone, for respect conveys honor. You show honor to people by giving weight to what is weighty about that person: their role in your life, their authority, their care for you. When teens disrespect, they dismiss that honor. Instead, they have contempt for or anger at a person, or they simply ignore the person.7

By carrying on family traditions and adhering to fundamental understandings of how a family should operate—when this is multiplied by millions of families—this is how you stabilize, perpetuate, and sustain culture. You live long in the land the Lord God has given you because you respect these traditions and you carry them on. It’s so vitally important to the strength of any culture that its child-rearing traditions are perpetuated from one generation to the next. Those child-rearing traditions in the final analysis define the culture.8

You must begin with the attitude and belief that you truly have been chosen by God to lead your children, and that makes you worthy of honor.

Take your rightful place as the leader in your home. Stop asking for your children’s permission or approval. You don’t have to ask your child what he would like to have for dinner, or when he’s ready to go to bed, or to get dressed for school.

Keep your instructions short and to the point. Challenge yourself to use fewer words (and to mean them).

Listen to your word choice and tone of voice when you give your child instructions. Are you asking your child to do something or telling them? There is a big difference.

You don’t have to sound harsh or raise your voice to make your children mind your instructions. Speak steadily with confidence, like a capable, caring coach.

Many of us are afraid to exercise authority with our children because we’re afraid of the pushback.

The breakfast table can quickly provide an accurate assessment of who’s calling the shots in your home. If your kids are in charge of what is served and you “just can’t get them to eat anything healthy,” that’s a warning sign.

Over the past three decades, there has been a massive transfer of authority from parents to kids. Along with that transfer of authority has come a change in the valuation of kids’ opinions and preferences. In many families, what kids think and what kids like and what kids want now matters as much, or more, than what their parents think and like and want. “Let kids decide” has become a mantra of good parenting … these well-intentioned changes have been profoundly harmful to kids.10

Your children don’t need you to accommodate their taste buds and whims. They need you to enforce rules that may not feel good but that are ultimately for their good. Do your best to limit your child’s influence and opinion and not let it eclipse your judgment as a parent.

FOUR WAYS TO HELP YOUR KIDS OBEY

SET UP CLEAR EXPECTATIONS.

PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE.

USE DRAMA.

Kids love stories, so leverage stories to get your point across.

PRAY SPECIFICALLY FOR OBEDIENCE.

Ask God specifically for your children to develop obedient hearts.

The Bible is very clear that parents are responsible for the rearing of children. We will get help from the school and the church, but it’s still our responsibility. I think some of the key elements are to have clear rules following God’s model, clear consequences if you break the rule, and consistency in applying those consequences. That’s the way God treats us, and that’s the model for parents.11

Leverage the power of consequences

Create negative consequences that speak loudly and clearly to your individual children. Natural consequences are best.

Consequences must be enforced, no matter how inconvenient, so your child believes you mean what you say.

Don’t count on your children to meet your emotional needs

If you’re depending on your children to be your closest confidants and support system, it puts an undue burden on them and subtly hands them the power to manipulate you.

Instead of looking to your children to meet your emotional needs, look to God and other adults. Get yourself emotionally healthy and fed so you have the resources to parent well.

“Parents can’t support their child if they are depending on him to be their support system. So don’t look to your teen for support. Reach out for connection elsewhere.”12

Seek Wisdom

Wisdom isn’t easily found on the surface of life.

You must mine...

Search for wisdom regarding parenting in the Bible and through prayer. Take an older, wiser parent out for coffee and ask for advice.

“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”13