The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

if our interest in relational growth and transformation is sincere, then the Enneagram is one of the most helpful translation tools available.

in my experience there are two things we have in common: we all want to belong, and we all want our lives to have meaning.

We are often confronted with the reality that other people and how they view the world may never make any sense. Keeping in mind that none of us can change how we see, we are left with the option of trying to adjust what we do with how we see.

They are the only number on the Enneagram that can bear witness to pain without having to fix it. Because they value authenticity and abhor disingenuousness, Fours naturally elicit more depth in their encounters with others.

Mature students of the Enneagram can learn to move around the circle, using these four auxiliary ways of behaving as needed.

Wings, in general, affect behavior when dominant, but have no effect on core motivation.

Your stress number is not necessarily a negative move—you need the behavior of the number you go to in stress to take care of yourself.

please don’t use your Enneagram number as an excuse for your behavior.

it would be great if you would spend your energy observing and working on yourself as opposed to observing and working on others.

When we are able to see ourselves as we are, and as we can be, it’s a beautiful thing.

Eights function best when they can choose who they work with,

It can feel like Eights don’t care about us, but the fact is they simply aren’t thinking about us—they are thinking about what needs to be done next.

An Eight’s first response to anything is “What am I going to do?”

Eights avoid vulnerability to protect themselves emotionally.

Eights want to feel connected to those who are close to them as much as any other number. But they have a big problem: one of the very few things they are afraid of is being exposed in moments of weakness, limitation, or indecision.

An Eight who is married and the mother of four explained her vulnerability in her family relationships: I will want to trust you with everything even though that is hard for me. I will be in your corner all the time. I will fight for you more than I will fight with you. I will surprise you with my mushy tears and maybe even eventually I won’t try to cover them up. I will feel angry at you when you are being angry at me, and I’ll have to work really hard to find the feelings underneath that. I will love you beyond reason and that might scare me in the beginning.

Although Eights can be vulnerable in close relationships, they always struggle with their discomfort of expressing softer feelings.

Eights abhor weakness in themselves and those close to them, so if they can’t distinguish between being vulnerable and being weak, they avoid both.

Good, solid relationships are built in vulnerable times, so Eights need to work on that confusion about weakness and vulnerability by staying connected to others when they’re down or when things don’t line up, and then sharing with others what means the most, what frightens them the most, and what they consider most important.

when they were little they were very uncomfortable around others who seemed to be weak and halfhearted, so they made the decision to be strong.

If you’re an Eight, you will spend part of your adult life trying to regain your capacity to encounter the world without having to protect yourself from it. The ability to do that will come to you only in the context of safe relationships.

Their concern about injustice and their belief that they are responsible for protecting the innocent is both powerful and gentle at the same time.

I suspect Eights use anger to cover softer, more tender feelings. The problem seems to be, in part, that after a while they have trouble accessing any feelings other than anger, something that is often detrimental to their relationships.

Eights rarely regret confrontation. They rely on the energy they get from their need to be independent, but they often miss the reality that their aggression overshadows their intent.

Eights are fooled into believing that they are in touch with their feelings when that is often far from the truth. It takes an awareness of intention for Eights to recognize, feel, and then name their feelings.

Eights need to realize that tender feelings are not a sign of weakness.

Eights aren’t afraid to feel—they’re afraid their feelings will betray them.

Eights talk a lot about being betrayed, frequently naming some of the people who have been disloyal to them.

We all have the same initial response to stress: we exaggerate behavior in our number.

Eights can learn to recognize that neediness in others is usually an attempt for connection, and that there is something to be gained by reaching back.

The primary defense mechanism of Eights is to deny all feelings that crop up from time to time. It pushes them to work harder and do more, when what they need to do is stop.

it’s important to acknowledge that some—perhaps most—Eights actually believe they can change reality to conform to their way of seeing things.

Eights deny their own limits, which is why they’re either all in or not in at all.

In stressful situations, male Eights simply refuse to stop. They expect more and more from themselves and from others, and anyone who can’t keep up is suspect.

Eights prefer a few friendships with people who also value independence. To be friends with an Eight, you will need to be trustworthy and safe, and the relationship needs to be reliable but free of expectations.

I think many Eights live a lifetime believing they must ignore their softer feelings in order to get the job done.

The truth is that what we see and the way we see also determine what we miss. I’m convinced that Eights have no idea how their unwillingness to be vulnerable affects other people. Eights don’t know that their take-charge aggressiveness makes others feel like their presence is unimportant or unneeded.

Eights don’t realize that many of us take their lack of vulnerability to mean they don’t trust us with who ...

Long-term, committed relationships are built, in part, by walking beside someone, neither leading nor followin...

I believe Eights think they are protecting themselves by being in charge. However, being the one who always leads, controls, and makes decisions in a relationship can be isolating. And it often keeps Eights from learning to handle the surprises that life inevitably brings.

If you watch them, it’s obvious who does and who does not have access to their softer, more tender side.

Because your feelings have not made a regular appearance in your arsenal for taking on the world, they are one of the purest parts of your being.

affect the world without being affected by it.

share feelings you haven’t allowed yourself to experience.

Eights are controlling in relationships simply because they don’t want to be controlled.

If Eights are not happy with you, they tell you. If they don’t tell you but seem a little distant, it most likely has nothing to do with you.

Intensity is always well-received. Be secure and strong in yourself and in what you think and believe.

Eights are often unaware of how they affect others.

Nines have the ability to disconnect in any relationship.

Being relational with someone, no matter who it is or for how long, is an experience of vulnerability that differs for all of us.