The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships

by Suzanne Stabile

When Nines are able to entertain the idea that their presence matters, it has a positive effect on all of their encounters with others, especially those they love the most.

They are easygoing and undemanding—they just don’t rock the boat—because in their experience, intensity and desires often result in discomfort and trouble.

Nines follow whatever passes in front of them, regardless of the task at hand.

Nines tend to merge with the ideas and agendas of others in order to avoid conflict.

When I understand that I am averse to even healthy conflict, and healthy conflict actually produces intimacy, and it strengthens relationships, that insight lets me take intentional steps toward exploring and experiencing conflict when necessary to mitigate some of the weaker or more difficult aspects of my personality. That’s an insight I never would have found without the Enneagram.

sloth: “It’s not lazy—it’s getting busy doing something that keeps you from doing what you ought to be doing.”

When a decision to act includes potential for conflict and negative consequences, yet the action is chosen anyway, this is considered right action.

For them, most things aren’t worth the risk and loss that are part and parcel of conflict. But when something is really important—when it involves a decision that is consequential for a lifetime—Nines are forthcoming, courageous, committed, and determined.

Nines have their ways of letting you know they are hurt or angry, but none of them are direct.

They are concerned that direct and aggressive verbal exchanges will result in fragmentation. But they also worry about being able to contain their own anger once they give it a voice and full rein.

If you engage Nines in a difficult conversation because you are angry, they will usually just sit it out until you’ve stopped talking. Then they will methodically avoid both you and the subject until things settle. Regardless of where the anger originates, they will likely choose to go away, making themselves unavailable and believing that with time the problem will fix itself. Nines have to learn that taking leave in situations like this usually increases frustration and anger, leaving things far from “fixed.”

What’s really happening here is that Joe is either hurt by something I have done or failed to do, or he is angry. He wants me to know that, but he doesn’t want to discuss it. His preference would be that I acknowledge that he is unhappy, figure out why, avoid doing what caused his displeasure in the future, and go on with life as if nothing happened.

Communication with a Nine can be confusing. It should be no surprise that Nines will often just say what you want them to say or choose to say nothing—they see it as protecting their relationship with you. Until they’ve done some personal work, they have no idea that instead of preservation, they introduce fragmentation when they are not able or not willing to be honest.

Nines accurately see themselves as capable of making their own decisions and acting on them with or without the support of others.

Nines want clear, direct communication regarding what’s expected of them.

When it comes to relationships, it’s really important to remember that you can’t change how you see—you can only change what you do with how you see.

perfection is like an ice sculpture: it lasts only as long as there’s no change in the atmosphere.

They believe criticism is caring, so they have to be taught that not everybody feels the same way about being corrected or encouraged to seek improvement.

There isn’t another number on the Enneagram that demands so much and rewards so sparingly. Imperfection is everywhere, and even if some semblance of perfection is achieved, it lasts about as long as a snowflake in the noonday sun.

Keep in mind that anger in Ones doesn’t usually manifest as blowing up and yelling, but as something a bit more insidious: resentment. When Ones are angry at something, they turn that anger in on themselves first and it feels like shame—shame about the faults and failings of themselves and others. Shame adds a bitter quality that results in a complex resentment,

Ones frequently miss the bigger picture because they compulsively focus on what is wrong or out of place.

When Ones feel anger, they deny it, stuff it, rename it, move on—and then they manage it by perfecting something that is within their control, like making sure to remember every little thing (checklists!) for the next outing.

Try to remember that their responses have everything to do with how they see, and, through no fault of their own, they see imperfection everywhere.

Ones feel deeply about what they do and how well they respond in each situation. Oftentimes this limits the energy they have left for the emotional needs and expectations within their relationships.

Ones are afraid of being bad. Because Ones came to believe that meeting the expectations of others would, in some way, make them more valuable and offer them some much-desired security, relationships became more about performing well than relating well and loving well.

Ones often tell me that they can’t live up to the standards they set for themselves, and the potential for making everything better seems to follow them like a shadow.

Ones tend to overdo their effort to do things well—they overthink, overtalk, overevaluate, and overplan. This tendency to go over-the-top is due to their honest and deep desire to do things right. Ones are wonderfully responsible people, but when they take on too much responsibility for themselves and for others, they may experience some anger and resentment. So it’s really important that Ones minimize the temptation to overdo by stopping to ask the question: “What is mine to do?”

If you can’t stand what you’re looking at, it might help to move.

while you are listening to what people are telling you, you’re discerning what they’re leaving out.”

For Twos, the relationship is always about the other person. You can’t say what you want or feel because it could cause a disconnect.”

When you listen to other people’s stories, do you wonder what they’re leaving out?

Twos feel the feelings of others and find it very difficult to tell you what they actually feel.

For Twos, everything is relational. They make their way in the world by connecting with almost every person they encounter and by building a relationship with everyone they can engage on a regular or semi-regular basis. It’s the way Twos know themselves.

even though I come across as a feeling person, like most Twos, I seldom know or express my own.”

This inability to identify their own needs while navigating the world causes Twos a great deal of pain.

Twos are afraid to express a need or desire because if no one responds, they fear they won’t be able to manage the pain and disappointment.

being the giver often feels like a place of strength.

After initiating a relationship with someone, Twos struggle to disengage. It’s an ongoing dilemma for them.

Their fear is primarily because their self-worth is determined by their giving. If they have nothing left to offer, they struggle to know whether they have any value at all.

The problem is that Twos try to have relationships with everyone—servers in restaurants, the woman who grooms their dog, their plumber, everyone in their church, all of their coworkers, their neighbors—and

When Twos begin to describe their feelings with words like drained, resentful, tired, and frustrated, that is often their way of asking for help.

When Twos are experiencing a lot of anxiety and fatigue, it’s usually a signal that they need to stop, consider all that they are involved in, discern what is theirs to do, appropriately pass on to others what is not theirs to do, and think about what’s going on rather than continuing to react emotionally from their automatic desire to identify and meet the needs of others.

Twos often go after the one they don’t have, risking relationships with others in the process.

In order to avoid an innate sense of loneliness, Twos tend to avoid questions that ask, Who do I belong to? Am I worth belonging to anyone? Is anyone going to be there for me when I really need them?

This year I’ve allowed myself to wonder, “What is available to me that I’m not withdrawing from my emotional bank?” To my surprise, there is a sufficient supply available.

Twos have a hard time trusting people when they say, “I’m not going anywhere,” or “You can count on me if you need me.” I have always thought, Yeah . . . maybe. Maybe you will be there for me. But in my heart, I have struggled to believe I’m worth it. All I can say for sure is that I have learned that I am much less alone than I suspected.

So I’m learning that if affirmation isn’t working, it’s because it isn’t really affirmation that I’m looking for. It’s belonging.

Twos are really good at offering a place for belonging to other people but not to themselves.

If Twos ask, Who am I when I’m alone? they will be surprised by what they discover. Yes, Twos want to make sure everyone has a seat at the table, but they need to be aware that they need to take their seat as well.

When Twos start to feel separated from others, they create circumstances where they will be needed.