Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

watched a documentary about this status hierarchy in wolves, lions, and other animal packs. It was fascinating. I remember watching the alpha wolf chasing off the omega from a caribou carcass. The alpha wolf had already eaten, and the tier two wolves were surrounding the fallen beast, eating as much as they could. The poor omega wolf tried to get close and he was chased off,...

There was a pack of seven male lions who banded together to hunt, until they grew up enough to meet some lionesses and make stuff happen. At one point, they killed a zebra and were in a tight circle around the animal

There was just enough space for six of the seven lions. Everyone but the omega. The only place he could get access was the zebra’s head. He sat there timidly licking the hairy scalp, ready to dash off should the alpha, or any other lion in the pack, decide to chase him.

a calm Australian accent, “in these types of packs, the omega does not often get enough food to eat, and does not survive. Even if he does, he is not a desira...

Have you ever been nervous to make eye contact with someone? Have you ever made eye contact and then instantly looked away, without consciously doing it? It was as if some deep instinctual programming forced you to look down, even though you were intending to meet their gaze head on. Guess what? Deep instinctual programming made you do that.

We are primates and we are pack animals. In any given social situation, we’re assessing where we fall in the pack hierarchy and behaving accordingly.

Based upon appearance, wealth, position in an organization, authority, knowledge, clothing, skill level, and many other criteria, we are determining if we are above or below this person. This happe...

When we’re afraid of conflict, confrontation, or friction of any kind, we automatically adopt the m...

think back to our chimpanzee or wolf friends. The omega wolf does not look at the alpha directly, he keeps his head down, his movements are fast and appear nervous, and his eyes dart from left to right. If another wolf passes him, he steps back, out of his way. If they move towards him directly–if they confront him–what does he do? He rolls onto his side or back and lifts his paws u...

Chimpanzees will do very similar things. They will also produce a large smile to indicate they mean no harm. “Please, do n...

Do you hesitate and avoid speaking up in groups? Are you nervous or hesitant in settings where there are authorities, bosses, or the “executive team”?

Perhaps you do the primate smile thing. That one was my bread and butter. I’d smile so much while talking with people. I’d also be quick to laugh at anything they said. And my laugh would be a bit too hard, too much, too forced.

We often smile and laugh to send the social signal: I like you. Please like me.

Another submissive stance favorite that seems to be unique to humans is the heavy use of apologies. We can say “I’m sorry” so frequently, and for so many...

We end up apologizing hastily if we bump shoulders on the train, both grab the door handle at the same time, start to speak up at the same time, and so many other ins...

We may consider it “politeness,” but it is actually rooted in submissiveness ...

The good news is changing your stance towards others is relatively easy. It does require awareness, effort, and leaning into the edge of your comfort

zone. That’s exactly what you’re here to learn how to do.

Sure, it can be uncomfortable at first, but compared to our wolf and lion friends, we have it easy. I don’t think the omegas in those packs could simply choose to show up differently. Their pack structure is in large part based on physical strength. If that omega wolf decided one day that he wasn...

However, our hierarchies are much more abstract and malleable. In fact, as soon as you stop buying into a given metr...

For example, if you truly did not care about how much money someone had, you would walk into a room full of billionaires a...

If, on the other hand, you were locked into the cultural mindset that your net worth equals your human worth, then it would be a different story. You’d be nervous about entering that room, you’d be hesitant to approach people, join into g...

eliminate the submissive stance so you show up as your full, powerful self–the real you–not some inhibited, timid, limited version of yourself.

I’m not saying that smiling, laughing, choosing not to share your opinion, or apologizing are weak things that only a “timid loser” would do. Each of these is an important part of connecting with others and necessary at times. The difference is when and how we do them.

If they become habitual, excessive, and compulsive from a fear of conflict or a need for approval, then they backfire as social connectors. They reduce our confidence an...

To accommodate means to “fit with the wishes or needs of.” Therefore, accommodating another person may involve doing something that fits their wishes or needs.

Sounds pretty good, right? Do things for others. Help them get what they want. Do what they want you to do. Then they’ll be pleased, feel happy, and like being with you. This is actually a recipe for a good relationship that is based on both people bringing value to the other person’s life.

the basis of friendship, business partnerships, customer/client relationships, and romantic relatio...

When our primary objectives are to avoid disapproval, disagreement, friction, or any sort of conflict, we tend to veer too far into what can be called over-accommodating. This means giving too much of yourself, doing too much of what other ...

When you’re over-accommodating, your habitual response to requests is yes, without hesitation, and without negotiation.

You also don’t want to bother people by making requests of them. You know they are busy and have a lot on their plate, so you only ask if it’s extremely important. Otherwise, you just try to figure it out and manage on your own, so as to not be a burden to others.

This combination of saying yes to everything, and not asking directly for what you want, leads to feeling...

You feel stressed and anxious much of the time, trying to meet the demands of everyone. But the idea of saying no to someone is even scarier than the chronic anxiety of trying ...

Yet, even though you’re doing everything for everyone, you may have the nagging suspicion that others don’t really appreciate you. At least, they don’t seem to. In fact, they seem to treat ...

The whole thing feels terrible, but what are you going to do? Start saying no? Become some kind of selfish asshole who doesn’t care about others? No, that won’t work. Everyone would hate you and you’d lose your family, friends, and job. The only thi...

Can you relate to this insanity? It’s how I lived for years. I felt completely trapped by my ...

Because even though you may feel the stress from a persistent desire to please others, or the heaviness of frequent guilt, or the

timidity of anger-phobia, part of you still may be thinking: Yeah, but nice is still good, isn’t it? If I were somehow better, saintlier, more giving, then I wouldn’t have all this fear and guilt and anger anyway. I mean, being nice is the best way to be in the world, after all. I just need to try harder.

If so, I get it. Nice programming runs deep, and it’s hard to see the other side until you really start making pro...

The truth is striving to be nice actually takes an incredible toll on your mind, ...

and even your physica...

Unfortunately, most people don’t attribute any of these challenges to their inner demands for niceness, so they seek solutions for the symptoms ...

They are surprisingly predictable and common. However, many people do not understand them.

I would just think to myself: Why do I feel so anxious? Why does my stomach hurt all the time? Why do I feel lonely, and why does my chest ache so much? Am I depressed? Is there something wrong with my brain chemistry? I’ve heard it runs in my family after all…

When we’re not aware of what’s causing these symptoms, they can feel like mysterious problems that come out of nowhere. They disappear once in a while, only to reappear again, without warning. They scare us, hurt us, and cause us tremendous pain. They are like specters that haunt u...

For many years, I had a terrible habit of replaying conversations in my head. Usually the ones I’d replay were the most awkward, strange, or embarrassing. Although sometimes I’d pick a seemingly ordinary one and replay that as well. As I replayed them, repeatedly, my mind would pick apart all the things I did wrong. All the ways I spoke too much (or too little), said the wrong thing, didn’t do it quite right, or otherwise sucked.

This is a kind of rumination, which is just another form of

anx...

If I suggested the movie or the restaurant, I had a hard time enjoying myself because I was responsible for everyone’s experience.

If I invited several people to do something and they didn’t know each other, I had to make sure everyone liked each other and had a great time.