Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself

by Aziz Gazipura

The unconscious logic goes something like this: If I think, feel, or act in a wicked way, then I should be punished. I will criticize myself brutally, which will make me feel unlovable and worthless, which will motivate me to “try harder” and “do better.”

Increased self-criticism and self-hatred leads to more shame, which actually leads to more behavior that is negative.

The key is to release this oppressive layer of guilt. It’s not making you a better person; it’s not bringing you closer to God or your brothers and sisters on this planet. It’s isolating and destroying you. And it’s time for a change in how you treat yourself.

The truth is I never would have done something like this years ago. I would have been much more agreeable, accommodating, and flexible. I also would not have let any irritation or dislike of the situation show in my voice, because showing any form of anger was bad. Years ago, I was trapped in a cage of niceness and terrified of my own anger, other’s anger, disagreement, and conflict.

uncover that pattern of conflict avoidance so you can see how this operates inside of you. This will give you insight, and perhaps profound relief.

Living in constant fear of anger and conflict creates chronic tension and persistent anxiety. You might not even realize just how much unease...

While it was showing up as guilt and anxiety, guess what was really underneath? If I let people down, they’ll be upset with me, angry. This fear of someone being upset is often lurking behind our anxiety and guilt.

Once you know how to handle confrontation, and that it’s not that bad, you naturally begin to feel more solid, safe, strong, and confident in the world.

used to be so uncomfortable with anger that not only would I stuff it down, I would secretly judge others for not doing the same. If my friend was driving us somewhere, and he was pissed off at another driver, I’d think: Man, he really needs to calm down. He gets way too worked up. If I heard someone sound irritable or raise their voice in a conversation, I’d judge them as not patient enough, or otherwise emotionally weak and out of control.

Do you have similar views of anger? Is it a sign of weakness? Of not being patient, flexible, assertive, evolved, or spiritual enough? Is it a problem and a bad sign for relationships if someone gets angry? How many times per week do you get angry?

My discomfort and judgment came from a deep fear of anger–in myself and in others. This came from being a sensitive kid who felt things deeply, both my own emotions and those of people around me.

like many men of his generation. He was taught to be tough, not too “soft,” to man up and get things done. Don’t think too much, and certainly don’t sit around feeling your feelings. This leads to a limited capacity to identify and express emotion, especially tender or vulnerable feelings. As a result, fear, inferiority, hurt, resentment, and other emotions stay inside until the pressure reaches a critical level and the valve breaks, and out pours anger. Hot, loud, and intense.

dad’s loud, booming voice scared me as a kid. Whether he was yelling at me or my mom or brother, I felt a terrible, scared, sick feeling in my stomach. This taught me that anger is no good. It hurts people, it’s out of control, it’s unproductive, it’s bad.

My mom tended to be more passive. She absorbed anger and didn’t fight back. She was very patient with us and only occasionally lost it and chased us, threatening us with some nearby item, be it a hairbrush, belt, or shoe. I smile as I write this...

What did your parents teach you about anger? What did they model for you? What conclusions did you come to? Pause for a moment and reflect. Let yourself think about this over the next day or two as you go about your life. These insight...

my house growing up, we didn’t spend much time talking about feelings. Each member of the family was left to navigate those on their own. Hence, I learned that to talk about feelings was strange, abnormal, and generally not something you did with others.

What are your fears about feeling angry or expressing anger? Once we clear away all the judgments about how anger is bad and shows you are inflexible, unevolved, and weak, and we look at the fear underneath, I find there are three major ones lurking in the shadows:

Fear of Hurting Others One fear is that because anger is “bad,” it only hurts people and makes things worse. Anger is harsh, mean, critical, and hateful. It is the opposite of love, acceptance, patience and kindness. Hence, if I’m angry with someone, especially if I express that anger, I’m going to do nothing but hurt their feelings. They are going to feel sad, guilty, uncomfortable, crushed, or hurt. This makes me a bad person and I will then feel guilty.

Fear of Retaliation The next fear we have of anger is that people will fight back. If I’m angry with someone and I show it in any direct way, they’re going to come back twice as strong. They’re going to dismiss my grievances or complaints and counter attack. They will criticize or belittle me and become harsh or angry with me. Alternatively, we fear they will retaliate in a more passive, sneaky way. They may pretend as if everything is fine and even apologize. Then they will go behind my back and do something t...

Fear of Loss One major fear of anger is that it will lead to the loss of a relationship. For many, anger is the opposite of connection, and thus means the end. This one can be particularly convincing because in the heat of anger we might have strong thoughts such as: That’s ...

We fear that feeling and expressing anger only tears things down and breaks things apart. We don’t see it as having any positive or productive quality in relationships, so we fear it is the scary signal of the beginning of the end.

Feeling Versus Doing One interesting distinction that I see many clients miss, and that I didn’t understand for years, is the difference between feeling and doing. When it comes to anger, for many people the two are fused together. That means feeling angry means you act angry by saying mean things, becoming cold or distant, or yelling at someone. But in reality, there is a big difference between feeling angry and acting angry.

As we discussed the situation and I heard examples of what her boss would say to her, I said, “Wow, that sounds really annoying. I would be pissed if someone talked to me that way.” I made sure I sounded pissed as I said that sentence. This subtly gave her permission to feel angry, which I could see she was not allowing. She was just aware of feeling anxious and inferior.

“Yeah,” she replied, laughing. I find when I speak to clients’ anger directly, they often laugh. I think it’s the laugh of relief. It’s OK to feel angry here, whew.

“Do you feel angry about being interrupted and shot down?” I asked. “I do.” She said quickly. “I hate it. And I get so angry at her for doing it. Inside I want to scream and tell her to shut up. But I could never do anything like that, obviously. In fac...

Notice what just happened there. My client acknowledged her anger, which is actually a great step forward out of the nice cage into the more authentic, powerful version of herself. But she limited her ability to feel it. She started to move towards it, th...

There is a big difference between feeling and doing. We can feel whatever we want. In fact, I believe it’s optimal and extremely healthy to feel everything inside ourselves. This includes all emotions, especially the ones that are uncomfortable that we call “negative,” including...

The more we can give ourselves complete permission to feel anything, and know that it doesn’t mean anything about us, the freer we become. In addition, it doesn’t mean we necessaril...

we did a role-play where she expressed all her anger towards her boss, as if she were speaking directly to her. The more she got into it, the more expressive and heated it became. This is good. This is huge. When you stop suppressing anger and let yourself feel it, knowing it won’t automatically make you do something, you become much more confident and powerful.

My client is not going to go say all these things to her boss. That would be ineffective. But she needs to feel her anger in order to release it. By doing so she not only feels relief, she also reconnects to her power and her sense of agency. She is back in the driver’s seat of her life; she is a creator rather than a victim.

The anger is like a hot fire that releases energy and heat. It is raw, wild, and intense. But we can run this energy through an internal machine that refines it and turns it into something productive—assertiveness.

If you learned that anger is bad, it hurts others, and shows you are weak or unlovable, guess what happens? Avoidance, of course. If something is scary, uncomfortable, threatening and only leads to pain and problems in relationships, and it makes you a “bad person,” then why on earth would you not try to avoid it?

we become masters of conflict avoidance. The nicer we are, the better we become at this.

not just conflict. We become skilled at avoiding all forms of argument, disagreement, tension, d...

Instead of bending over backwards to accommodate people, we become like ultra-flexible yogis who can contort t...

You may be aware that you’re doing this conflict avoidance dance,...

I didn’t even consciously do it most of the time. It came across in every aspect of my behavior: the way I greeted people, what I would say, the questions I would ask, what I would share versus hold back, how I looked at people, and so much more.

Are you a master of conflict avoidance and great at smoothing things over? Do you instantly pick up what mood someone is in and start to accommodate it? If they seem tense or upset, do you try to cheer them up? Or do you steer clear, tiptoe around, and walk on eggshells so as to not disturb them?

uncover two of the major ways you might be consistently avoiding conflict, disagreement, or friction. Going into this topic directly can be a little uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been avoiding it for years. Worse still, part of you knows that uncovering these patterns will eventually lea...

While conflict and disagreement don’t feel good, they’re part of having direct contact with your fellow humans. Direct contact means you show up fully, are present with others, look them in the eye, listen to them, share what you think and feel, and have a real connection. It’s the opposite of staying small, avoiding eye contact, and...

This is an important point, and amounts to a fundamental shift in how you move through the world. I spent many years afraid of direct contact. I wanted love and connection, just like every human does, but I didn’t want tension, differing opinions, anger, or any of that scary stuff...

Unfortunately, partial contact creates partial connection and only...

It’s cowardly. It’s being too scared to put myself out there in the world. It’s trying to get the good feelings without any risk. It’s trying to fill my heart up while still keep...

If you want to experience a rich, fulfilling, meaningful and significant life, direct contact is required. You must step up and claim your right to be here: Here I am. I am here. I have a right to be here. I belong here. I am me, and I matter. Not because I’m the smartest, o...

You must be willing to feel the full spectrum of human emotion, and experience the full spectrum of human contact.

Believe it or not, conflict is your doorway to having the life you really want.

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” - Joseph Campbell

The most common form of conflict avoidance is simply to adopt a submissive stance in our relationships.

It harkens back to our days as pack animals with a clearly defined social hierarchy. Think wolves, or chimpanzees.

In that pack, you have the leaders, or the ones that are vying for “alpha” status. You also have the members of your tier two crew, who are not gunning for the top, but they’re sure to hang on to their position in the pack. Then you have your omega-types. These ones are do...