Ghosted

by J.M. Darhower

This book is dedicated to everyone who has ever loved a story so much they could quote it. There's nothing in the world quite like being part of a fandom. Never let anyone shame you for it. Read those books. Watch those movies. Binge those TV shows. Love those characters. Admire those celebrities. Write that fan-fiction. Draw that fan art. Go to those conventions. Sing that (on-hiatus, totally-not-broken-up) boy band at the top of your lungs. Do what makes you happy.

I said you looked lost, not that you didn’t know your way.”

“I’m sorry for the way I hurt you,” he says. “Sorry for everything I did that led us to this point. And I get it, you know, if you hate me. Wouldn’t blame you at all. But I just need to tell you… I need you to know… that even when I was completely fucked up, I never once stopped loving you.”

“I know how I’m doing. I don’t need a token to tell me, but maybe you do, so keep it.”

I saw you got sick in a accident. You should get better! And you should come back cuz Mommy says nobody always is gone. It will make you happy and me too. Love, Maddie

She smiles. “I don’t know if it makes a difference, but I see you.”

You don’t know this, but that girl? She cries the entire way home from school. She isn’t crying because she got in trouble. It isn’t out of guilt or shame. Her tears have nothing to do with herself. She cries for you, because of the look she saw on your face when you walked away. There’s anger in your eyes again and tension in your jaw, and now she knows what that means.

“And even more than Breezeo!” Eyes wide, I look at her. That’s some serious commitment coming from my superhero-loving girl. “You know, you can love us the same.” “Nuh-uh,” she says, shaking her head. “You’re my mommy, so I love you more.”

“Their love didn’t save him, but it did make him a better person.”

“You don’t really have a good streak being in this park after dark.” “With you, no less.” She smiles at that.

“I don’t think you should like them as a date if they don’t notice pretty dresses. ‘Cuz you can see it, but if they don’t see it, then they don’t look. And they should look at you on dates when you’re pretty.”

“Did you like it?” she asks. “Did it make you better?” “I loved it,” he says. “And it made me feel a lot better. Thank you.” “You’re welcome, Breezeo!”

“Mommy calls me Maddie. You can call me Maddie, too!” “Maddie,” he repeats.

“Too busy for ducks?” she asks incredulously, looking at him with disbelief.

Turning to me, she grins. “Mommy, it’s Breezeo. He’s here!”

“Mommy doesn’t like the ducks. She says I can feed them but I gotta keep them over here ‘cuz they might eat her.” I laugh at that, my gaze seeking out Kennedy as she sits at a picnic table, watching us. “Guess some things never change.”

“Thank you, Breezeo!” “Jonathan,” Kennedy corrects her. “Jonathan,” Madison says, “but still Breezeo, too.”

“Nuh-uh!” Madison says, looking at her mother. “I don’t blackmail him!” Kennedy scoffs. “How do you know? You don’t even know what that means.” “So?” Madison says. “I don’t mail him nothing!”

He smiles. It’s a genuine smile, unconscious, like happiness is radiating from inside of him at that suggestion.

“I know you have to go… I know… and you have to follow your heart, but how can I follow mine if you’re gone? I love you, Jonathan. I love you so much.”

She pulls back to look at you. “You love me?” “More than anything,” you say. “More than drama club and dress rehearsals and Julius Caesar. More than annoying the shit out of Hastings. More than the goddamn park down the road. Hell, even more than I loved punching my father.

You don’t know this, but that girl? As she stands there, staring at you, seeing the light in your eyes and feeling so much love in her heart, she would’ve done anything you asked. Anything. She would’ve climbed any mountain and dug any hole. She would’ve lied, cheated, and stolen. That girl would’ve promised you forever. As long as you love her, for as long as you care, she’s yours. So walking to the park with you and climbing in that Porsche? Easiest decision she’s ever made.

“Love you more than recess.” “That’s a lot of love, little girl.” “All of it in the whole world.”

You’re the queen. I’m just a commoner. Those words nearly take my breath away. It’s been a long time since he’s said them to me, so long that my heart skips a beat at the memories.

“Your face disagrees,” Bethany says, motioning to me as I shove my phone in my pocket. “You’re all blushy.” I roll my eyes. “Am not.” “Whatever you say.” She turns to leave. “You look how I probably looked when I met Johnny Cunning.”

“Jonathan thinks I’m pretty, too!” she says, smiling at her mother. “He told me so!” “Did he?” Kennedy asks. “Smart man.” “And you, too,” she says. “He says you’re the beautifulest woman in all the world.” Damn. She ratted me out.

Now that those words are out, now that they exist between you, you can’t seem to stop saying them. I love you. I love you. I love you.

You don’t know this, but that girl? She doesn't need a house. She doesn't even need an apartment. She would’ve slept in the car. She wouldn’t have complained at all about it. You didn’t have to sell it, but you did, and as grateful as she is for that, she already feels guilty. She’s worried, and she’s scared, that this won’t be a story of triumph. Because she believes in you. She wouldn’t be there if she didn’t. But the world isn’t always kind to good people. Sometimes it eats them alive.

I mourn the years they lost, the time that was wasted, the love that maybe just wasn’t quite enough to overcome his demons sooner. Every smile they share today is the product of years of tears, of years of fighting and struggling and hoping and mourning but never, ever, ever quitting or giving up, because we’re here. And maybe it won’t last, I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow something will happen and the tears will come back, but I’m grateful for the moment, knowing he loves her more than anything.

Maddie’s face splits with a wide grin. “Okay, but only if you see when she gets all pretty, ‘cuz sometimes people don’t see.” “She’s always pretty,” he says.

“I hope you like your chicken extra crispy.” “I do!” Maddie says. “That’s how Mommy makes it.”

The woman outside, her name is Serena. I work with her. I’m not going to be kissing her like I kiss your mom. When I kiss your mom, it’s real.”

“Breezeo loves her, just like I love your mom.” She takes the doll. “Does Mommy love you?” “She did.” “But not no more?” “I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “But it’s not her fault. I took her love for granted.” “What’s that mean? Taking her love for granite?”

“You can do it now,” Madison says. “Just pick her more flowers and tell her she’s pretty, and then she can love you.”

“Wait, Daddy!” she says, springing to her feet and running over, grabbing my arm to tug me down to her level. I crouch down again, surprised when she presses her lips to my still-stinging cheek. “You almost forgot your kisses!”

“Someday,” I tell her. “If your mother says it’s okay.” “Mommy? Can I?” “We’ll see,” Kennedy says. Madison looks up at me, grinning. “She said okay!”

“Don’t worry, you’ll always be the only rabid fangirl for me.”

“I love you,” you say. “More than everything in this park. More than every line of dialogue I’ve ever spoken. More than I love Hollywood.

“Because I love you,” he says. “More than whiskey?” I ask. “More than whiskey,” he agrees. “More than cocaine.”

But I love you. I swear to fuck, I’ve loved you since before my eighteenth birthday when we sat on your father’s couch and watched me play dead on television.” “My favorite thing you’ve ever done,” I whisper, kissing him. “You still owe me that autograph, dead kid on Law & Order.”

“This is my daddy, but he’s not just my daddy. He’s also Breezeo. The real Breezeo!”

My bad, she says she loves you more than she loves that creepy cardboard version of you in her bedroom. (She made me specify) And another after that. She says it’s NOT creepy and wants you to know that I called it creepy, not her. She loves the thing. And another. But not as much as she loves you.

I love you, K. I hope you believe that.

What’s ridiculous, I think, is how much my chest aches when I look at him. How much my insides coil when I hear his laughter. How much his smile sets my soul on fire.

A day without you is going to be like a day without the sun. Don’t let her days go dark.”

“Never make someone else the main character in your own story.”

“Don’t be mad, Mommy!” Maddie yells across the apartment. “Maybe Daddy will give it to you later.” She’s talking about the script, I know, but dang it, I blush when Jonathan glances back at me from the hallway, cocking an eyebrow. “Maybe Daddy will.”

As strange as it may seem to keep, it’s our first real picture together as a family.

“Worse is loving someone who disappears and never knowing if they’ll come back. Because how do you move on if you’re not even sure they’re gone? The answer is—you don’t. When you spend most of your life chasing ghosts, eventually, you become one.”

I love him.