This Is Me

by Chrissy Metz

What I’ve learned from the show is that there are so many ways we can connect if we are willing to be vulnerable. Sharing the things that we’re afraid will make us appear less in others’ eyes makes us stronger. Because confidence is really trust in yourself, right? It has nothing to do with what someone else thinks of you; it’s what you think of you. And as we collectively share our truths, I believe we are placing deposits into our own confidence bank.

“Hi, Chrissy, it’s Oprah.” Lawd-a-mercy. Here’s the thing, y’all. You think you’d be able to handle an out-of-the-blue call from Oprah, but I’m here to tell you, you’re not. You start thinking about everything you’ve learned from her. All of her performances, her generosity, her wisdom, her Oprah-isms! She has been one of your mentors your whole life. And now, she’s on the phone. WITH ME. Me! Just chatting with Ophs like we’ve been friends forever. I’m sure this is how everyone who speaks to Oprah feels. Of course, she immediately puts you at ease, even as you are trying to maintain your composure. The conversation happened so quickly, but here’s what I distinctly remember: She loves This Is Us and knows I exist. Oh, and she wanted me to come to her house for lunch.

“Your house is so beautiful.” She took the smallest beat, and proceeded to give me one of the biggest lessons of my life. “It is, isn’t it?” She said it calmly and without apology. She’d worked her butt off to live in a home she loves. She earned it and she deserves it, and she would do a disservice to herself and the beauty she surrounds herself with if she shrugged it off and deflected the compliment. I’d been in Oprah’s presence, what, two seconds? And already I had a life lesson—that it’s okay for you to say, “I worked hard for what I have. I earned it and I am going to enjoy it, proudly.” It only affirmed what I was learning: There is something that happens when you are grateful. You continue to receive blessings.

Okay, there was Oprah Life Lesson #2, and I was only a few bites into my pasta. You have to be the one to decide what it is you want to give. It isn’t always about money. It’s your energy, it’s your time, and it’s your love. Those of us who are fortunate have to set boundaries, because others will imagine what you can give them and hold you accountable for that. Until their imagined need becomes a debt you owe them.

There is nobody here on earth who doesn’t have a path or a purpose. An innate destiny. Every human being who comes, comes called.” Yes, Oprah really talks like this. Those words went right to my soul. Before I knew it, the dishes were cleared and Oprah rose from her seat.

And maybe you are afraid that if you say what you want, someone will hear you. You fear the judgment of a loved one, or worry that your growth might be a threat to that person. My advice is to give people the opportunity to surprise you, and to grow with you as you become the person you want to be.

I caught seven rainbow trout that day, handing each to Phillip or my father, who joined in. It was such a special moment, because Mark was actually talking to me and even seemed impressed. I didn’t see my own accomplishment; I saw my father’s reaction to my accomplishment.

And this is what we do if raised in a dysfunctional home. All of our actions are a way to please others.

Our electricity was shut off a lot. In Gainesville, there’s a thunderstorm practically every day. I was alone in the dark during a strong one. After that, I just didn’t want to be alone, period.

Our trailer was a single-wide, about eight hundred square feet, with three small bedrooms and a bathroom. I started my third elementary school in three years in Gainesville,

This was around the time my mom started going without food to keep us fed. Between tending to Morgana and her work schedule at the store, I think it was easy for her to hide this in the beginning. But one time we were all eating chicken and rice together and she just sat there with water.

I think having a clean, orderly house was a way to impose order on all the chaos of our lives. My mom was very meticulous about how she cleaned because it was something she could actually control. She made sure we were presentable and in clean clothes.

My mother was the same with cooking and cleaning. She was such a perfectionist that she never let me do either of these things, so I never learned.

The trailer wasn’t a nice place to live, and it was important to her that we all do our part to make it look as nice as possible. If you put the dishes away incorrectly, she would pull them all out of the cupboard. “Do this over!” she would yell. “Do it right this time.” If she saw a bit of clothing coming out of the drawer of the dresser, all the clothes would be on the ground. “Refold everything,” she would order. “Start again.”

our family life was so erratic that small issues could be disastrous.

I know now that when families are in crisis, kids blame themselves, and kids also take on adult burdens. Which is why it is important that I say something else: Arredondo Farms is still there and I won’t say a single bad thing about it. People look down on people who grow up in trailer parks. I get it; there’s a stereotype. But if you are a young person living in one now, or just a person who is made to feel that your surroundings are not good enough, remember that your soul is what matters. Your body is a vessel for your soul, and what surrounds that vessel, whether it’s a mobile home or a brown Chevy Corsica hatchback that stalls out in the rain, is nowhere as important as what is inside you. Three

Trigger loved having his two biological children in the house, and was even welcoming to Morgana. Me, not so much. Trigger seemed to resent my existence; I couldn’t do anything right.

Trigger and Rebecca joked about putting a lock on the refrigerator door. We had lived with a lack of food in the house for so long that when it was there, I felt like I had to eat it before it disappeared again. I discovered that food gave me a comfort like nothing since Grams made those grilled cheese sandwiches for me. Food was something to look forward to. My only happiness.

I would study them like they were some rare tribe. This is what love is? When you coexist peacefully with other people? Where you strive to be the better parent? Where you put your own pride aside? I am so blessed that other families showed me what was possible.

School was another escape from the torment of home. I was teased about my weight at school, but it was still better than what I heard at home. It was a place where I could get positive attention.

From the start, Choir was great. I needed it because it allowed me to express myself but not have the full focus on me. Besides, at the time, I didn’t think I could sing well. I loved to sing, but I know now that the way we sing reflects the way we see the world, and I was wounded and scared.

AND SOMETIMES THE UNIVERSE GIVES YOU PUBERTY. NOT SURE PUBERTY was a joy for anyone, but I always felt like I was too much or not enough, and puberty amplified that.

Through my daily practice I have come to find that my attitude is gratitude. I don’t always start with the same acknowledgments, and not every morning is the same. I have had days I wish I could start over, but I still try to keep myself focused on giving thanks.

I guarantee you that doing this will make a difference, because I know what happens when I miss it. I don’t feel as empowered. I don’t feel abundance in my life. I think that’s because you can’t give from an empty well. When you don’t realize how full your life is, you can’t give to others. And when you cannot give to others, you will not be able to receive.

I held on to the connection between us, and this pocket of time where we could be together. It was easy not to talk to him about how he hurt me, because by then I had started my pattern of acting like things simply weren’t happening. I stuffed my feelings with food. And that’s how I handled

I didn’t feel safe showing vulnerability, so I did it all alone. It’s ironic, because now showing vulnerability is all I do in my work. I could say I didn’t trust anybody, but really, I didn’t trust myself.

I would be walking along and think of him, and the floor of my heart would drop and I’d feel empty inside all over again. So I ate more. I grew to a size 12, which at that point made me the heaviest girl in my grade. And I became one angsty teenager. I was dealing with so much pain that I turned it into anger to survive.

As I turned, I thought how much I had loved this man-boy. How I had pinned all of my dreams on him. Maybe he’s not the one that got away, I thought. Maybe I am.

Trigger would take my bedroom door off the hinges, convinced I was hiding something. Eating, or doing drugs—I don’t know. He would just unscrew it and cart it away. “You don’t need no damn privacy!” he’d yell. This would usually accompany a grounding over something he thought I did. If I came in four minutes past curfew, I would be grounded four days.

I can relate to this, not having an privacy and my mother being suspicious of everything.

I wasn’t an athlete. I would have loved to be class president or treasurer or something similar, but everyone in that crew was rich. These were kids coming to school in Mercedes-Benz Kompressors and I remember thinking, What do you aspire to have if you have a Mercedes at sixteen years old? I certainly wasn’t getting a car in high school. My mom wouldn’t even buy me a pair of Nikes.

I believe that pain is in every pound that is still on my body. I stuffed my feelings for so long, they must come up and come out for there to be a real healing. And part of that healing was having an honest conversation with my mother.

As an adult, that just doesn’t happen. You move on with your feelings or you harbor resentment. We rarely really deal with issues in a rational way on the spot: “Hey, what you just did hurt my feelings. I want you to know.” It feels awkward. It is too hard. But when you do, the person apologizes. Or maybe he doesn’t, but at least it doesn’t fester in your head. It’s funny, because my biggest challenges at preschool were the kids who bit and kicked because they couldn’t communicate their feelings. And that’s what adults do. Maybe you don’t bite the guy you can’t stand at work, but you lash out. I truly believe a nasty “Reply All” is the grown-up’s bite mark.

Believe in actively listening to yourself. Take time to have a conversation with yourself every now and again. What’s working? What could maybe use a little tweaking? So often we’re on autopilot and we slip into addictive behaviors to avoid listening to ourselves. We eat, or drink, or, yes, check our phones—anything to avoid hearing what we truly need to say.

But whether it’s the fear of success or of failure doesn’t really matter. I think what it boils down to is that people are afraid of change.

True!

It would be some time—we’re talking years—before I learned the importance of staying present and not getting stuck by worrying about the future or lamenting what happened to me in the past. Acting has helped me so much, because you must stay present. You can’t worry about the next scene because you’re in one this moment. It’s the same thing in our lives. Just play the scene and see where it takes you.

helping clients book acting jobs was like watching your boyfriend take another woman out every day.

Personally, I know I am better at sticking up for other people and negotiating on their behalf than I am doing so for myself. It’s something I am still working on, so let’s make a pact to do it together.

of course, Hannah Zeile, who plays fifteen-year-old me on This Is Us. (I didn’t get her the job—she is so talented she didn’t need me!)

If you’re having hard times right now, whatever shimmy trick you have to do to keep going, take a mental picture. I want you to look back on this part of your life and thank yourself for not giving up.

The attending doctor came in, shaking her head. The first thing she said was, “You know, if you were my daughter, I would force you to get a gastric bypass.” She was my age, and she talked to me like I was a child. “Seriously,” she said. “Okay, thanks,” I said, thinking, Awesome. Thanks for your bedside manner. Thank you for your unsolicited opinion.

Anxiety is one of the worst things you can experience in your whole life. The more you resist, the more it persists. I learned pretty quickly that I had to lean in to my anxiety. And accept it. Or try to. I had a much-needed conversation with myself. “What’s the worst thing in the world that could happen?” I asked myself aloud. “I could die,” I answered. “Okay.” “You’re right,” I conceded. “That’s not the end of the world.” It’s just not. I don’t believe death is forever. I had to surrender control. Whatever happens, happens. The thing is, I could die, but I just didn’t want to.

I went on a 2,000-calorie diet, and Marty and I walked every night for twenty minutes. No gastric bypass. Nothing extreme. In four months, I lost ninety pounds and I felt great. Marty was helpful on the diet and never tried to sabotage me. But then, losing weight got hard again. I told a friend I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I was falling back into old patterns. She told me I should start going to a support group. I found one that was held in a place I passed by every morning, but honestly, it was like I magically arrived right where I needed to be.

I sympathized with those folks so deeply. It doesn’t matter how addiction manifests. Addiction is addiction is addiction. Whether you’re a drug addict or a food addict, it’s the same thing. It’s just that food is easily accessible and acceptable, and you have to consume it in order to survive.

It was hard finding a balance between work and marriage. There are women who work incredible hours and then come home and cook and nurture their families. I wasn’t one of those women. I think that became an issue with Marty too. It’s not that Marty had been coddled, but his mother took care of him and his dad. Maybe as a man he wanted to be taken care of. But the fact is that he worked four or five hours a day. My feeling was, if I am doing all this to support your writing, you shouldn’t have a problem cooking dinner or doing a load of laundry. On top of that, I couldn’t help having resentment about our financial situation. I was working so hard but had nothing to show for it.

Slowly, Marty and I fell back into old habits. I managed to keep the weight off for a while, but then the pounds started to come back. More important than any number was the fact that I had returned to my old crutch of numbing myself with food. It started with having a little bit more here and there, but it’s a slippery slope. One night I treated myself to a cheeseburger and fries. That became a weekly thing, and then more often. I would get busy and decide the best use of my time would be to just run through the drive-thru. Or I would have salty food and say, “Well, now I need sweet.” Sometimes you don’t realize you’re eating the feelings you can’t handle.

Marty is such a great guy and I am grateful that we had our time together. If you do hate your ex, I’d like you to consider the damage you might be doing to yourself. Look, I have heard some horror stories from my girlfriends. Things I would never tell my friends to just forgive and forget. But I think you can focus on letting go of hating someone first and then forgive the person on your own time. Because carrying hate is a heavy load, but offering forgiveness is freeing.

Repeat After Me: “Please, God, Let Me Come From a Place of Love.” Something happens when you say those words out loud. Something shifts, and you can think about your intention in any interaction.

This sounds like Marianne Williamson, here.

feeling all good about myself. I was also in a space of “I am not interested in men. I don’t want attention. I don’t care.” And of course, you know what happens when you make that decision. The men, they just come out of the woodwork. It is so bizarre. I swear they can smell it on us.

So now, I have a new system I keep reminding myself of by sharing it with my friends. It’s based on the acronym HALT, used in self-care in cases of depression. “Girlfriend, before you text him, ask yourself: Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired?! HALT! HALT! HALT! Don’t text him if the answer is yes to any of those questions!” Because I know well from my own dating experience that I need to ask myself if I genuinely like this person or if I am trying to fill a void because I am frustrated in my life about something, or simply lonely.

I believe firmly that you’re never given a vision without a provision. You have a destiny, and you are also given the tools to get there.

And don’t let your fear of success stop you, either. I keep a Marianne Williamson quote in my heart. C’mon, quote! “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” That always got me. We are not taught that we are limitless and fantastic just the way we are. We are told, “You’re not enough,” and “You’re too much of this.” Being who you are is enough. You don’t have to become a success, because you already are one. Let go of your fear and dare to be your greatest, truest self. Because the world needs you.

I told her that her award was so well deserved, and she wrote me back, something to the effect of “I’m going to sit in this space of just gratitude.” I was really struck by that. There aren’t many times where you actually sit in that good space of being excited about where you’ve come from and what you’ve accomplished. Because in Hollywood, in any career really, and in life, it’s always the next thing, and the next thing. Instead, recognize the hard work you have done, and give yourself a pat on the back for a minute. Then move on.