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February 15 - February 15, 2021
validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying relationships. What’s more, it’s critical for any relationship, romantic or otherwise. Thus, the core idea of this book is that, in order to become a “great listener,” you actually need to become a great validator.
Effective validation has two components: It identifies a specific emotion It offers justification for feeling that emotion
More often than not, people who vent or complain already know how to handle their current situation—they’re just looking for someone to see and appreciate their struggle. While it seems almost counterintuitive, validation is often the quickest and easiest way to help people work through their concerns and get back on track.
As long as you show the other person that you recognize and accept their emotions, you’re validating.
“Wow, that would be confusing.” “He really said that? I’d be angry too!” “Ah, that is so sad.” “I totally get why you feel that way; I’ve been in a similar situation before and it was rough.” “You have every right to be proud; that was a major accomplishment!” “I’m so happy for you! You’ve worked incredibly hard on this. It must feel amazing.”
Invalidating responses are often born out of good intentions, but they do anything but help.
Unfortunately, invalidating others is easy to do. For most people, it’s almost a knee-jerk reaction.
The result is simple, respectful, nonjudgmental support that helps Amy talk through and let go of her frustration rather than trying to ignore or suppress it. Their conversation becomes much more pleasant and connecting, and leads to a significantly more positive outcome.
Get curious about the situation. Ask questions to understand the emotion she is feeling and where it’s coming from. She could be feeling hurt, embarrassed, sad, angry, or any other mixture of emotions.
Validation has two main elements. It 1) acknowledges a specific emotion, and 2) offers justification for feeling that emotion.
Validation is nonjudgmental. It allows the other person to feel whatever they’re feeling without labeling it as “good” or “bad.”
Invalidation (i.e. minimizing or dismissing another person’s feelings) is counter-productive. Research has shown that invalidating responses can make a difficult situation worse, even when offered with the best of intentions.
Offering validation—before or instead of offering advice or assurance—is often the best way to help.
Misconception #1: Validation is Only for Negative Emotions
In fact, research has shown that the ability to validate the positive experiences of others can drastically improve connection and satisfaction in a relationship.
In other words, responding to someone’s excitement with an obvious lack of interest, even if your comment is positive, may be just as harmful as responding with a negative, discouraging comment.
Opportunities to validate positive experience are all around. If we’re not attentive, however, they’re easy to miss. Most people recognize opportunities to help a distressed friend or family member, but it often feels less important to focus the same amount of attention on another’s excitement or good fortune.
Validating positive experience is not only possible, it’s critical to developing healthy, satisfying relationships. Learning to identify and act on these opportunities can make a significant difference in your connection with others.
Misconception #2: You Can’t Validate If You Don’t Agree
When you validate someone, you’re essentially saying, “I get why you’re feeling the way you are.” It’s important to note that this is not the same as saying “you’re right” or “I agree.”
He wasn’t hearing me because I wasn’t hearing him.
If someone is distraught, angry, or concerned, validating them is your best chance at getting them to be receptive to feedback. The great thing is, you can validate someone even if you disagree with them. Learning to do so will give you a valuable tool for navigating confrontations, negotiations, disagreements, and the like.
Misconception #3: Validation is Simply Repeating What the Other Person Says
Reflective listening is essentially the act of repeating back to someone, in your own words, what they have just said. The idea here is that you 1) check to see if you’ve heard them correctly, and 2) help them realize you are listening. While this can be a useful skill, I’ve found that it is frequently misunderstood and poorly implemented. If you’re not tactful, simply reflecting back what someone has said can come across as mechanical and inauthentic.
Reflective listening focuses on the words the other person has just said.
Validation, in contrast, focuses on the emotion the other person has just expressed.
Effective validation requires empathy and emotional understanding, and therefore extends beyond simple reflective listening. We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling.
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. When we have empathy for another person, we put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. We seek to understand where they are coming from and try to imagine what they are going through.
Effective validation can come only after we’ve connected with the other person and are able to understand—at least to some extent—what they are feeling.
Empathy Tip #1: Get Curious
Ask yourself the following questions: “What is this person’s background? Could past issues be influencing their reaction?” “What if someone had done that to me? How would I feel?” “If I haven’t had a similar experience, have I ever felt a similar emotion?” “What if that were my [child/parent/job/dog/etc.]?”
Empathy Tip #2: Look at Them
Pause for a moment, let go of whatever thoughts may be zipping through your head, and take a moment to truly see the person across from you on a deeper level. Make eye contact.
Empathy Tip #3: Imagine Them as a Child
This may sound odd, but imagining another person as a young, vulnerable child often makes it easier to feel their emotion.
Imagining others as younger, more vulnerable versions of themselves is a great way to help feelings of empathy flow a little more freely.
Empathy Tip #4: Learn to Identify Your Own Emotions
The good news is that you can improve your ability to recognize others’ emotions by making a habit of identifying your own.
One way to practice identifying your own emotions is to set a reminder on your phone to check in with yourself a few times throughout the day. Then take these moments to pause, notice how you’re feeling, and identify the emotions by name. Keep an eye out for the following cop-out responses: “Good” “Fine” “Better than yesterday” “Alright” “Okay” “Not great”
When you catch yourself using a cop-out word or phrase, dig deeper for the actual emotion. For example: “Good” might actually mean: happy, grateful, comfortable, content, excited, energized, confident, or positive. “Okay” might actually mean: content, tired, worn out, or worried.
“Not great” might actually mean: scared, hurting, sad, lonely, worried, betrayed, sick, uneasy, anxious, or weak. “Better than yesterday” could really mean anything: happy, comfortable, excited; or sad, anxious, etc.
Learning to identify your own emotions will increase your ability to feel empathy for others in two ways. First, you’ll become hyper-sensitive to cop-outs when you hear them from others.
Second, getting in the habit of identifying your own emotions helps you build a broader catalog of emotional experience.
Empathy Tip #5: Quit Judging Your Own Emotions
In order to have empathy for others, you need to identify and accept their emotions without judgment. It’s not easy to do this for others if you’re not already in the habit of doing it for yourself.
The next time you notice an emotion—any emotion—rising up inside you, check to see if you’re suppressing, avoiding, or accepting it.
STEP 1 LISTEN EMPATHICALLY
Author and mediation expert Gregorio Billikopf notes that empathic listening “requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!).”[5]
Ask yourself, “What emotions do I see in them? Are they angry? Hurt? Excited? Confused? How would I feel?”
Show your interest by asking clarifying questions and checking to see if your observations are accurate, such as: “That was last week, right?” “So then what did you do?” “Wait, she actually said that to you?” “How did that feel?” “You seem worried.” “You sound frustrated.”
