More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
February 15 - February 15, 2021
Key Principles: Empathic Listening Give Your Full Attention In today’s fast-paced, ever-connected world, we have dozens of distractions vying for our attention. You might think that as long as you seem attentive in a conversation, it’s okay to let your mind work on other things. Nothing could be further from the truth. When we’re not fully present, people notice.
Invite Them to Open Up It’s not always easy to walk up to someone and say, “I’m frustrated right now. Can I talk it over with you?” Instead, many people “hint” that they want to talk, using comments such as, “I’m so frustrated right now,” or “Ugh, it’s been a really tough week.”
In other cases, the person’s body language and overall energy will signal that something is up. If you’re in a good place and wanting to help, you can show them you’re willing to listen with a simple invitation: “You seem upset. What’s up?” “Do you want to talk about it?” “What’s going on?”
Be Observant When it comes to communication, we can’t (and don’t) rely solely on the words others say. Communication experts suggest that as much as 70 percent of our communication is nonverbal—meaning it’s delivered via body language, tone of voice, etc.[8]
Because of this tendency, it’s helpful to pay attention to people’s expressions, tone of voice, and body language as they speak. Does what you see and feel fit with what they’re telling you? Do your observations give you additional insight into what else they may be feeling?
Match Their Energy
Matching another person’s energy is a critical part of effective validation. If the person is excited, then smile, laugh, and share in the thrill. If the person is sad, then be respectful and speak in a softer, more compassionate manner. This principle comes naturally to many people but can be easy to forget when you’re distracted, stressed, or otherwise preoccupied. By matching the other person’s energy, you’ll be viewed as more present and connected to what they’re saying and feeling.
Offer Micro Validation Micro validation is a short comment or response that affirms the validity of the other person’s emotions, opinions, etc. These quick, simple comments let the other person know that you are following what they’re saying, that you’re not judging them, and that they’re safe to continue sharing. Like matching energy, most people do this automatically.
Micro validation looks like the following: “Really??” “Uh, yeah, I’d be angry too!” “Wow, that must be so frustrating.” “That makes sense.” “That’s so exciting!” “No way.” “I can see that.” “Wow, that must have hurt.” “I can see how that would be confusing.” “Congratulations! That must feel amazing!”
The goal here is to keep the comments short so they don’t feel like an attempt to interrupt or take over the conversation.
Don’t Try to Fix It If someone is venting or sharing a negative experience, do not jump in with advice unless they ask for it. Similarly, resist the urge to point out silver linings or how the situation could be worse. This is—by far—the most common mistake people make.
Giving unsolicited advice or assurance—especially before you validate the other person’s emotions—trivializes their experience.
STEP 2 VALIDATE THE EMOTION
“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” – Peter Drucker
Key Principles: Validating Their Emotion
Still Don’t Try to Fix It
You Don’t Have to Agree to Validate We’ve talked about this before, but remember that you do not need to agree with the other person to validate them. If you feel like they aren’t seeing things correctly, don’t pretend to agree—but also don’t tell them you disagree just yet. Instead, try to understand why they’re feeling what they’re feeling and validate that.
In this step, it’s important to hold back your judgment and opinion and focus solely on validating. Doing so in this situation will 1) reduce the likelihood that you get into an argument, and 2) improve your coworker’s willingness to listen when you do share your perspective in step 3.
Not Sure What They’re Feeling? Ask.
Option 1: The “Keep it Casual” Approach In this approach, ask the person what they’re feeling directly, but in a casual, non-intimidating way. This requires only minor tweaks to avoid sounding like a therapist: “So, how are you feeling about all this?” “Ugh. How’d that make you feel?”
Option 2: The “Guessing/Asking” Approach In this less direct approach, throw out a few emotions you think they may be feeling in question form:
“So, are you feeling frustrated? Confused? Angry?” “So, you must be excited? Nervous? A mix of both?”
If You Can Relate, Let Them Know If you can relate to what the other person is sharing with you, step 2 is a good time to consider letting them know. Done tactfully, this can strengthen your validation and foster greater trust and connection.
Claiming to know “exactly” how someone feels nearly always puts the other person on defense.
If You Can’t Relate, Let Them Know While having had a similar experience can certainly help you relate to and feel empathy for another person, it’s not necessary. Believe it or not, acknowledging the fact that you can’t relate can be one of the most validating things you can say. Why? Because it shows respect and appreciation for the other person and their situation. It’s the opposite of “I know exactly how you feel” and it’s surprisingly validating.
Tell the Truth From time to time, friends and family will come to us feeling embarrassed, regretful, frustrated, etc. because they’ve made a mistake, underperformed, or are simply in a tough spot. In these situations, it can be tempting to sugarcoat the truth to avoid adding to their pain.
When you’re faced with such a situation, acknowledge the truth and the difficulty of the situation. You can be tactful about it, but you don’t have to lie.
Maintaining honesty and sincerity in your validation not only improves its effectiveness, it also increases trust in the relationship.
STEP 3 OFFER ADVICE OR ENCOURAGEMENT (IF APPROPRIATE)
Avoid Offering Unsolicited Advice It’s easy to assume that since someone is venting to you, they’re looking for advice.
Approach #1: Ask What They Want from You If someone has shared a difficult emotion or experience with you but has not asked for help, say something like: “How can I help?” “Is there anything I can do?”
Approach #2: Ask Permission to Share Your Thoughts If you would like to offer feedback and don’t want to leave it up to the other person to request it, try some variation of the following: “I have a few thoughts on that. May I share them?” “Would you like my opinion?” “May I tell you how I see it?” “Could I share my two cents?”
Exception #1: When Teaching Children Parents have a responsibility to protect, support, and teach their children whether those children want feedback or not.
Exception #2: When the Complaint or Anger is Directed Toward You A second exception to this principle is when the other person is angry with or making accusations about you. In these situations, you may need to clarify the situation, your intentions, or your position, whether or not they ask you to.
Helping them feel heard, even if you disagree with what they’re saying, can go a long way in easing the tension in the conversation. It also increases the likelihood that they’ll listen to your side of the story. It never hurts to ask permission to share your viewpoint (e.g., “I see things differently. May I explain?”), but if the answer is no, you may decide to share it anyway.
Lead with a Validating Statement When sharing your perspective or giving advice, lead with one more validating statement before jumping in: “I totally get why you would feel that way. Here’s how I see it.” “I’m angry just listening to you tell me about it! Have you considered talking to him?”
If the person becomes defensive, return to steps 1 and 2 and validate the emotion. If they’ve given you permission to share your thoughts but you can tell they’re not really open to hearing them, simply leave it at step 2 and let them know you’re always willing to listen.
Lead with “I” Instead of “You” A common mistake people make when giving difficult feedback is launching in with direct “you” statements such as: “You’re wrong.” “This is your fault.” “You don’t work as hard as the others.”
Notice how, by leading with “I” (or a form of “I”), the same feedback becomes much easier to hold: “I disagree.” “I feel like this may actually be your fault.” “It feels like you don’t work as hard as the others.”
Leading with “I” emphasizes the fact that you’re sharing your perspective and prevents the feedback from feeling like an accusation. This simple adjustment softens the blow of negative feedback, reducing the likelihood that the recipient will become defensive.
Avoid Absolutes Absolutes are terms such as “always,” “never,” “constantly,” etc. If your feedback includes an observation of a habit or tendency, it can be tempting to say “you always do this” or “you never do that!”
Acknowledge When You Slip From time to time, you will jump to giving advice without asking permission to do so.
STEP 4 VALIDATE AGAIN
Re-Validate the Emotion By the time you’ve reached this step, you will have listened, validated, and given feedback or assurance if appropriate. At this point, any conversation around how to fix the problem (or excitement around good fortune) has played out and the conversation will begin to wind down to a natural end.
“Ugh, I don’t envy you. That really is a tough situation. It sounds to me like you have a good plan, though. Good luck with it!” “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m impressed with how you’re handling things. That really is confusing.” “Again, my deepest condolences. You’re going through a really hard time. Please know that I’m here for you.” “Wow, high school is rough! I have full confidence that you’ll work through this.” “Hey, congratulations again! I’m really happy for you.” “Well, I just have to say again, you really killed it out there. You have every right to be proud!”
Validate Vulnerability While step 4 generally involves the simple reiteration of your earlier validation, certain situations may benefit from validating the other person’s vulnerability as well. When someone shares a personal experience or emotion with you, they make themselves emotionally vulnerable.
If someone has opened up to you, step 4 is a great time to show your gratitude and appreciation. The following comments are all examples of validating vulnerability: “It’s not easy to talk about such heavy things. I admire your courage in bringing it up and appreciate that you shared it with me.” “I really appreciate you opening up to me. It means a lot.” “It must have been hard for you to come to me about this, so thank you. I sincerely appreciate your openness. Know that I think the world of you.” “Thank you for saying something. I’m sure it was tough to bring this up, especially since you
...more
Ask for validation when you need it. When you need validation, ask for it specifically rather than hoping others figure it out. If the person you’re talking with isn’t familiar with validation, fill them in on the basics and be specific about what you are and aren’t looking for. Learn to validate yourself. Resist the temptation to minimize or ignore your own emotions and focus instead on acknowledging and accepting them. Practicing self-compassion and learning to validate yourself is a critical part of developing strong emotional health and happiness. Watch your expectations. Even if you
...more
