How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate

by Jenny Taitz

In other words, imagining that you will end up alone affects your ability to contemplate anything in a rational way, which makes it tough to cope with the tests that will inevitably arise in your life.

One way out of panicked responses to judgmental conclusions like This plane is going to crash and I’m about to die, or I’m doomed to live my life alone with a houseful of cats, is actually labeling and acknowledging these as inaccurate messages from our “emotion mind.”

For people who are driven, thoughtful, and looking for love, it may feel tempting to concentrate on finding a mate in a critical way. After all, for most problems, careful strategizing and planning often leads to the desired outcome. The challenge is, in situations that aren’t entirely within your control—like relationships and dating—endlessly strategizing can be seriously depleting. You may even find that focusing on finding love, rather than loving your life, closes you off from great opportunities, or leads you to settle for something that doesn’t feel right.

After advancing in my work, and really practicing the advice I was giving to my patients, not just preaching, I decided that I was willing to go through pain, guilt, and loneliness to act courageously. I realized that I could sit with thoughts of anticipated aloneness if it meant I would be able to live my life in a way that fit with my most cherished values. I had been practicing yoga for a decade, but it was my professional training that made my mind more flexible and less seduced by my emotion mind. I

Afterward, I felt both miserable and relieved. I created a schedule filled with goals linked to higher values that I hoped would bring me fulfillment and contribute to others as well. I brought ice cream to a dying woman in my neighborhood, wrote a book, worked on being a good friend, invested in religious practices, practiced yoga, and went on mindfulness retreats. On one of those retreats, newly single, in Maui, as I sat in front of meditation masters Ram Dass, author of the celebrated Be Here Now, and Sharon Salzberg, who has also written practical books on mindfulness and whose compassion is contagious, I noticed that for the first time in a while, I wasn’t lonely.

Throughout this book, when I use the term “mindfulness,” I’m referring to the practice of learning to pay attention with an attitude of acceptance so you can live with more clarity. That might mean instead of getting hijacked by thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations, you notice them, acknowledge them, and continue to pursue what’s meaningful to you.

What’s noteworthy is that Lyubomirsky believes that circumstances, like finances or relationship status, generally account for a smaller slice of the happiness equation than our deliberate behaviors.

I’ve come to realize that thinking that one person is your life purpose will either drive you to cling to a relationship or make you unhappy if you’re single.

The more I worked on entering the moment without wishing things were different, the less I worried about my future, criticized myself, and replayed various bad dates—and the more comfortable my life felt.

Hölzel and her team found that eight weeks of mindfulness training resulted in neural changes associated with managing emotions. Remarkably, researchers have also discovered that present-focused attention reduces the risk of depression.* Even people who have repeatedly struggled with depression can reduce their risk of relapse by learning to notice their thoughts and feelings.

A more mindful mindset in looking for love might be considering: What would I do if I had a partner? How would my life be different? And how can I do some of that now?

But we need to remember that overthinking ruins our mood and drains our energy, making it that much more difficult to actually fix anything.

Nolen-Hoeksema found that rumination predicts binge eating and drinking.

I routinely explain that in addition to noticing when we get the urge to mull over painful material, we also need be on the lookout for fantasizing so we don’t let ourselves wander away from the freedom that comes from experiencing reality in this moment.

Whether you’re lost in painful obsessing, like Emma, or, like I used to do, you find yourself creating idyllic futures, ultimate peace of mind resides in being in the current moment.

Reminders to Help You Move Away from Ruminating What happened the last time I got stuck ruminating? What warning signs do I notice before I fall into ruminating? What actions most absorb me?

When we fixate on the idea that there’s a best option, we find ourselves feeling dissatisfied with any alternatives, and less able to commit to our existing choices.

“If your concerns are based on your values and inner wisdom, allow fear of regret to be there, and act courageously, anyway.”

We all need a clear sense of purpose, one that comes from our values, not our goals. Values aren’t the same as goals. With a goal, we win or lose, get it or not. With values, if we’re acting (not just thinking) consistently with our aims, we can cherish a sense of mastery, independent of the end result. Values aren’t measured by what we get but by what we give.

With her buying in, we worked on creating her personal life mission statement, what I think of as a kind of cheerleading mantra she’d tell herself.

focusing on outcomes, instead of processes, was backfiring.

Persistence was one of the first things Chelsea and I focused on—sticking to her plans even when she wasn’t in the mood.

As for Chelsea, she and I came up with a month-long plan of action based on the values that mattered to her. In addition to writing her daily to-dos on Post-its (e.g., work on cover letter, meet a friend for a walk), each week, she’d deliberately consider which values mattered to her, whether being active or strengthening her connections. Chelsea had mentioned that she wanted to contribute to causes, prioritize her health, and pursue closeness with others, so she began researching opportunities to follow her passions.

Choosing Your Life Purpose Sit with a notepad and pen or just quietly with yourself. Ask and answer the following two questions. The intention is to access your wisdom and values. If your mind wanders away into worries about whether you’ll be able to take action or you feel guilty over past setbacks, just notice your emotions, and come back to these questions: What do you want your life to stand for? How do you want to live your life?

Research suggests that feeling as if you have a sense of purpose in your life builds emotional and physical well-being.

People with a stronger sense of purpose reported lower levels of disability and fewer depressive symptoms. They also lived longer.

We can all feel happier and benefit in other ways by shifting our focus from the supposed limits of a situation (The good ones are gone!) and instead, think more about how we can meaningfully choose how we spend our days. One way to do this is to think about how you’d use your time if you felt as if you couldn’t postpone living; as if you had very little time left on the planet.

What Matters Most? If you’re willing and interested in going deeper into exploring your values and life mission, close your eyes and consider: If I had one month left to live, how would I spend it? If I had one week left to live, how might I spend that week? With one day to live, what would I do for that day? In the final hour of my life, what would I do?

Even searching for meaning predicts fewer thoughts of death.

So how does this apply to dating? Instead of searching for the perfect person, it makes sense to consider how you want to approach relationships and also what virtues matter to you in a potential partner.

What values matter to you? What values matter in another? Kind Enthusiastic Open to new experiences Loyal Healthy Responsible Affectionate Respectful Honest Patient Generous Hardworking Open Loving

So much in our culture reinforces the idea that a relationship is everything, but just as it’s financially smart to have a diversified portfolio of investments, the more you strive to make as many aspects in your life as meaningful as possible, the more satisfied you’ll feel.

To help you maintain your momentum, I like a matrix exercise that was developed by Kevin Polk, a psychologist in Maine. As illustrated in the sample diagram below, start with a bidirectional arrow, intersected by a line down the middle. On the right side of the arrow, list what you want to move toward; on the left side, write what you want to move away from. The upper half of the graph captures your actions, while the lower half reflects your thoughts and feelings.

two approaches, adding positives, or joy-enhancing behaviors, and radical acceptance, which is essentially an attitude of openness,

how to live the way you would if you felt optimistic, however bleak your circumstances seem.

By moving past imagining how a person or conditions beyond your immediate control might enrich your life to, instead, plotting a course that allows you to honor your dreams more immediately, you’ll feel happier.

Instead, it makes sense to reflect on whether you’re doing the things you’d want to do if you were in an optimal state of mind, free of self-doubt.

The truth is, even when you don’t believe it’s possible, you can find joy by expanding your range of actions and your thinking, starting with adding more positive activities to your life.

explained to her that in addition to having a clear sense of your values and a life filled with actions that align with those values (as described in chapter 5), it’s also important to experience both pleasure and mastery. When I say pleasure, I mean activities that you passively enjoy, like going to a show, eating, or shopping. In contrast, mastery, a term described by one of the founders of CBT, psychiatrist Aaron Beck, involves doing activities that create a sense of accomplishment, like learning to cook, studying a foreign language, or practicing mindfulness, activities where you continually challenge yourself and grow.

One BA principle Maggie and I worked on together was to come up with activities that followed a plan, rather than her mood. I wanted her to become a scientist in her own life, tracking how much she enjoyed different activities and which ones made her feel accomplished. Like it did for Maggie, this knowledge allows you to design your best day instead of waiting for motivation to magically make an appearance.

During our sessions, Maggie and I spent time assessing her goals and brainstorming ideas about what she might enjoy, based on what she had enjoyed in the past.

To help her get going, Maggie found two apps designed to help people stick with their plans: SuperBetter, which makes a game out of achieving goals and provides suggestions of things to try if you feel stumped, and Way of Life, which sent Maggie reminders and allowed her to keep notes on how she felt after various activities.

make sure that you’re mindfully participating by entirely throwing yourself into the activities you’re doing for fun.

Creating Happily Ever Now How might you enhance your life? If you’re not sure, take a few minutes to think about the following questions: What gives you pleasure? What actions might you take to increase your sense of mastery? Once you generate ideas, start doing some serious scheduling. (Personally, I like planning on paper with an organizer called Action Day. Many of my clients end up carrying these in their bags too.)

But it’s also important to consider ways to ensure a meaningful future.

In fact, acceptance is a huge element in treatment for pain, both physical and emotional.

how to experience some of what people tend to long for from a lover, independent of one.

I’ve found that there are some effective, lasting ways to soothe yourself, which I’ll sum up below. If you are struggling with: To cope, you’ll learn to: Self-criticism → Develop self-compassion Feelings of worthlessness → Contribute to others Believing that nothing is going well → Practice gratitude

Yet, as we’ve talked about, research consistently confirms that it’s self-compassion, not self-criticism, that keeps us growing and changing.

Self-criticism doesn’t work in your relationship with yourself, or in relationships with other people; it’s associated with heightened feelings of rejection and marital dissatisfaction. People who are better able to access self-compassion, on the other hand, are described by their partners as more emotionally connected.