How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate

by Jenny Taitz

Compassion, I explained, is more about accepting that all human beings are imperfect and will face pain. What I wanted her to try to do, specifically, was to practice the steps of self-compassion that expert and author Kristen Neff delineates. These include self-kindness, which means caring for yourself rather than judging yourself, seeing yourself as a part of a common humanity rather than as a woman alone. I also told Rachel that it was important for her to be mindful, to take notice of thoughts and feelings, rather than dismissing or exaggerating them.

Soon after, I found myself uplifted and connected, then quickly and skeptically wondered if I was just being overly impressionable. After all, I was surrounded by people who seemed blissfully free. But I decided that I didn’t need to analyze; my doubts were just my mind trying to spoil my freedom. In my personal quest for inspiration, I didn’t want to obsess over why something moved me; I just wanted to go with it.

Taking a bit of time to think loving thoughts toward others every day can heighten your happiness,

In case you’re concerned about the time involved, to be clear, I’m suggesting spending roughly five to fifteen minutes of being mindfully present (as we’ll cover in later chapters) and doing five to fifteen minutes of loving-kindness meditation each day.

If you’d like to give loving-kindness a try, do a quick Web search (type “Sharon Salzberg loving-kindness meditation” into your search engine) and you’ll find a YouTube video of Sharon guiding the practice.

How to Practice Loving-Kindness Meditation Sit upright, with your eyes either closed or open and focused on a single point (wandering eyes can lead to wandering minds). For five minutes, go through the list of groups below, and pick someone in each category to offer the loving-kindness statements that follow: (For example, for my benefactor, I thought of my treasured grandfather, Emil. He’s deceased but I can still really picture him, focused and joyful, and I’d consider each sentence slowly: May he be safe. . . . May he be happy. . . . In bringing his image to mind, I immediately feel warmth and gratitude, then I move on to myself.) A benefactor (someone who naturally inspires loving feelings, perhaps someone who has helped or inspired you) Yourself (“May I be safe. . . .” “May I be happy. . . .”) Someone you know is having a hard time (e.g., Brooke) A familiar face (e.g., your mail carrier) A difficult person (e.g., a neighbor with an incessantly barking dog) All beings, everywhere The statements of loving-kindness go as follows: May ______________ be safe. May ______________ be happy. May ______________ be healthy. May ______________ live with ease. Spend about one to two minutes on a person from each of these categories, really picturing your chosen person as you repeat the phrases above. Also, consider what it would look like for your people to experience the well-wishes above.

Ultimately, it was more helpful for me to think of a set person for each of the categories above and then generate deeper feelings, rather than scratch the surface and move on to another person the next day. You may want to stick with your selected people for a week or a month, whatever seems like a good plan for you.

How does LKM work? The practice is a powerful form of mental rehearsal. As I explained to Rachel, when you envision something, you activate the same part of the brain that is actually used to perform that behavior.

Mental rehearsal isn’t just about performance; it’s also about managing emotions. In DBT there’s a strategy known as coping ahead which involves realistically imagining challenges you’ll face and mentally rehearsing how you’ll navigate.

think about other ways to give that are linked to their values.

doing things for others creates positive emotions that build a chain of experiences that enhance your well-being.

Positive psychology expert Elizabeth Dunn and her team looked at differences in emotions after spending on either oneself or another person. They found that donating even $5 contributed to happiness more significantly than spending on oneself.

To help create time for giving back we targeted ways she could let go of activities that depleted her. As I mentioned, Rachel worked in the wedding industry, and received frantic e-mails from engaged couples at all hours. We decided that she would stop responding after work.

Just as practicing compassion reduces your tendency to think critically or pessimistically, if you’re prone to seeing the negative, purposefully scheduling windows to redirect your attention to appreciate what’s going well can create good feelings and protect you from hopelessness.

Take a Quick Gratitude Break For just two minutes, I invite you to think of what you are grateful for. (Be sure not to judge what’s on your list as being too small or worry that you don’t deserve what you have.) Then take a minute to notice what you’ve accomplished today that you feel proud of. How do you feel after this exercise? Is there a time each day when you can schedule in gratitude?

Like LKM and contributing, creating a gratitude routine doesn’t need to take too much time. Spending just a couple of minutes each day listing three things you feel grateful for (in an app, notebook, or with a friend) will feel better than zooming in on what didn’t go well that day or scrolling over depressing news.

Mental events can create real physical feelings.

If you can mindfully notice your thoughts and emotions, catching them before they intensify, you’ll have an easier time coping. Research from James Gross, an expert in the science of regulating emotions, has found that the sooner you intervene and try to change a negative emotion, the better—though any time is better than never.

Notice how I said that Linda could pay attention to and shift her thoughts, not suppress them.

The more we think certain thoughts, the more they show up automatically. If your thoughts are negative, they can create unpleasant moods that make you susceptible to more sad thoughts, and on and on. Thoughts, moods, and sensations have a way of merging and building on each other; once they get going, they can seem endless.

There’s a way, however, to help prevent depression in people at risk, like Linda. Cognitive psychologist Zindel Segal and his team discovered that teaching patients Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), an approach that teaches people to become more aware of negative moods and thoughts, then to observe those moods and thoughts to prevent a depressive spiral and interrupt the negative cycle. Segal and his colleagues developed an eight-week program that teaches people how to focus on day-to-day experiences, like physical sensations and breathing, then apply a similar nonjudgmental approach to their thoughts and emotions. By practicing skills such as scanning our body, watching our breath, and noticing subtleties we often tend to overlook (like the taste of a single raisin), it’s possible to attend to details like facial tension and random thoughts. Impressively, studies on MBCT confirm that the training is as effective as medication in reducing the risk of relapsing into depression.

When I was on Segal’s mindfulness retreat for therapists, he told us that MBCT graduates who practiced what they’d learned for just three minutes a day (most people practiced the breathing space you’ll learn in the next chapter) were able to maintain their mindful progress!

Know too that there are so many resources available to help you become comfortable with mindfulness. If you like learning in a group setting, there are mindfulness classes offered in many cities throughout the country. There are also books, including Sharon Salzberg’s Real Happiness, that offer great how-to advice on getting started. Many of my clients enjoy mindfulness apps and talks on the topic, such as Tara Brach’s podcasts and the guided practices on the Web site of Dan Harris, author of 10% Happier.

Three Minutes Toward a Healthier Life I’d love for you to take a few minutes to give mindful breathing a try. Mindfulness includes tracking your thoughts. To do that, you need to learn to pay attention. Begin by setting a timer for three to ten minutes. Sit in a relaxed position, with your spine tall. If you’re sitting in a chair, place your feet firmly on the ground; if you’re on the floor, fold your legs comfortably. Once your body is in a position that’s comfortable and sustainable, it’s easier for your mind to get on board. Next, bring your full attention to your breathing, just noticing each inhale and exhale. What’s so important about focusing on breathing? Well, since the breath is always there, it’s continuously available for you to use as a focal point. As mindfulness master Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “As long as you are breathing, there is more right with you than wrong, no matter how ill or hopeless you may feel.” I love that sentiment and I hope that your breath reminds you of that fact. As you try to focus on your breathing, know that your mind will probably wander. That’s totally normal. Instead of concluding that you’ve failed, then giving up and following your train of thought wherever it goes (What’s on my to-do list?), aim to see distractions as a time to practice compassionately coming back to your breath.

Observing the breath builds the skill of watching, which, in the same way, helps us learn to notice our thinking without getting stuck in thoughts.

cognitive reappraisal.

mindfulness of thoughts.

To reappraise your thoughts, you can check the factual content of what you’re thinking or saying.

Fact-check Your Thoughts Describe the event. What are my interpretations? (Look out for judgments and worst-case-scenario thoughts.) What is my emotion and how intense is it (1 to 10 scale)? What are other possibilities? What’s the likelihood of the worst happening? If the worst does happen, how will I cope? Does my emotion fit the facts? How do I feel now?

all of us have unexpected, upsetting, self-critical thoughts at times, thoughts that don’t move us in a positive direction. I know that there are times when I set out to exercise in the early morning, and my mind throws me ideas like: you’re tired, you have so much to do, tomorrow is a better day to work out. My mindfulness of thoughts practice has helped me see these mental events as opportunities to get out of my head and into my values of health and action, independent of my motivation.

Accepting uncertainty is a crucial part of happiness in life. Researchers who have studied what kind of thinking predicts psychological problems have found that intolerance of uncertainty is high up on the list. Fearing the unknown and finding the possibility of negative outcomes unacceptable is terribly stressful, which may be why it can lead to psychological problems.

If you do some fact-checking and confirm that you truly have psychological problems that affect your relationships, there are accessible solutions that work. Even my clients who have faced traumas or serious psychological problems now, for the most part, enjoy healthy, satisfying relationships. And you don’t necessarily need a lifetime of therapy or expensive residential treatment centers to reclaim your life. Mindfulness helps people who struggle with impulsive urges, all from the comfort of home.

To broaden your thinking, it can help to make a list of at least a dozen words and phrases that describe who you are (empathetic, a hard worker). After you’ve finished, scan your list and notice whether you’ve made one attribute more central than others, like your appearance. Then remind yourself that when you overidentify with a particular label, you’re diminishing all that you truly embody.

The ability to pinpoint emotions—your own and those of other people—is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence.

Just as in other areas of life, believing you can cope with your emotions actually predicts that you will be able to manage them well.

the earlier you try to manage your emotions, the easier it will be. It’s usually simpler to reduce vulnerability, problem solve, and watch your thoughts before an emotion escalates.

THE STEPS TO MANAGING AN EMOTION Vulnerabilities → Add positives Situation → Problem solve Interpretation → Check the facts/mindfulness of thoughts Changes in body/action urges → Notice and do the opposite Emotion → Observe and describe Aftereffects → Practice mindfulness

When we’re feeling more vulnerable (e.g., we’re hungry, tired, or lonely), we’re likely to respond more intensely. Think about it: Have you noticed that on a morning after you’ve gotten a good night’s sleep, gone to an invigorating cardio dance class, sipped a delicious matcha, and arrived at work early, without rushing, you feel less irritated by an event that would normally bother you? The good news about vulnerabilities is we can notice them so they don’t seize us. We can also schedule positive actions to increase our resilience, as we’ve already covered.

Once you have a sense of your personal vulnerabilities and what replenishes you, you can be more proactive. If you know that you feel emotionally vulnerable when you spend too much time alone at home, making plans and getting out can prevent you from plunging into emotion mind. A yoga teacher friend once told me that she feels especially alone when she doesn’t have physical connection in her life. Rather than jump into bed with strangers, which isn’t her style and also increases her vulnerabilities (more on this later in the chapter), she tries to schedule ten-minute chair massages and goes to yoga classes where students partner up and physically assist one another. She also validates herself, acknowledging that it’s natural for an affectionate person like her to crave physical contact.

It’s possible to change how you feel about a situation by doing some problem solving.

Earlier, I used the example of emotions being a clue that you’re not fulfilled in your job. In that scenario, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend packing the contents of your desk and running out of your office. In fact, problem solving might include taking on new responsibilities at work, finding a meaningful volunteer position one evening a week, seeking a stimulating class, or researching other opportunities. As you see, in generating solutions, it’s useful to brainstorm lots of options.

3. Catch Your Interpretations → Check the Facts/Mindfulness of Thoughts Another aspect of an emotion cycle is noticing your interpretations. So much of how we feel has to do with how we think. Nicole could choose to interpret her partner as loving and anxious, based on his parents’ difficult relationship. She could also interpret his behavior as manipulative. One interpretation will likely generate patience, while the other is likely to produce anger. Again, fact-checking and mindfulness of thoughts are powerful ways to get unstuck from interpretations. As we covered in chapter 8, Nicole might notice that her boyfriend had never been close to proposing to anyone, so his behavior was not a specific rejection of her. Nicole could also simply notice thoughts such as I’ll never find someone who likes me as much as I love him, rather than believe them. Be careful, though, not to delude yourself in the process of checking your interpretations. I’d never want Nicole to dismiss her desire for a life partner under the guise of compassionately reappraising her boyfriend’s ambivalence.

A big part of how we feel has to do with how we act, which is why acting on emotions isn’t necessarily cathartic (especially when the emotion isn’t justified).

Acting Opposite to Live Differently First, identify the emotion you want to change, along with the intensity of the feeling. Describe your urges to act. Act the opposite of those urges all the way. Notice your current emotion and its intensity. ♥♥If your emotion didn’t change, notice if other emotions arise, like feelings of accomplishment.♥♥

The combination of a situation, thought, and action build an emotion. As Nicole discovered and we touched on earlier in this chapter, when you can be specific about how you feel you’re apt to end up more confident that you can cope. The more precise you can be about what’s going on (e.g., My sadness is a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10), the easier it is to find solutions. When Nicole attended to her emotions she got a clearer sense that staying with her boyfriend gave her flickering moments of joy under a dark haze of vulnerability. That realization helped her break up with him so she could pursue a clearer future. Studies led by neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett and her team suggest that people who are more skilled in figuring out what they’re feeling are likelier to use strategies to reduce negative emotions and increase positive ones than people less able to distinguish their emotions. When you can identify exactly what you’re feeling and how intensely you’re experiencing it, you can both appreciate the message of that emotion and also decide if you need to work on modifying your feelings.

Similarly, you can get stuck in a cascade of emotions by judging your feelings. If Nicole felt anxious about her relationship, then judged that anxiety as pathetic, she’d likely feel worse, not just fearful but also ashamed. When you judge your feelings, you suffer. Think about it—you can feel sad, or depressingly sad about feeling sad. Panic is another case—it’s an example of fear of fear. That’s why it’s important to differentiate between your emotions and your reactions to them.

Three-Minute Breathing Space For a minute, notice: What thoughts are going through my mind? What am I feeling in this moment? Notice thoughts as mental events, just words passing through, bringing a quality of openness to any sensations or emotions you observe for a minute. Next, bring your attention to the physical sensation of breathing, attending to your belly expanding and contracting. Finally, scan your body as a whole. Notice your posture, facial expression, sensations, and the breath. You can do this practice anywhere, whether at home or as you go about your day.

Speaking of trying, now would be a great time to create two lists, one for home, and one for when you’re on the go, of items and suggested activities that replenish you.

Closeness is essential for all of us, and in this chapter you’ll learn about ways to reduce feelings of loneliness, no matter what.

two biggest predictors of life satisfaction are quality of friendships and job engagement.