How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate

by Jenny Taitz

Based on what I see when I talk to my clients (and what I know about myself), I’ve come to believe that there are four main paths to loneliness: Judging ourselves Judging others Judging our time: I’m busy! Judging the importance: Why bother?

Christopher Masi and a team of researchers at the University of Chicago analyzed more than seventy-seven research studies to pinpoint what created feelings of loneliness. They found that maladaptive social cognitions, or negative thoughts related to interpersonal situations, were strong predictors of loneliness, and that thinking differently turned out to be the most powerful way to feel more connected.

feel connected, we need a core group, not a single person.

Specifically, Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist and psychologist at the University of Oxford, famously suggested that to be happy, most people need a group of roughly five people with whom they can deeply bond.

like to teach people who worry about their social skills a DBT acronym—GIVE—that simplifies how to get close to others: Gentle Interested Validating Easy manner

Notice that gentleness isn’t just about your words—it’s also about your body language and facial expressions. Many of my clients have remarked that when they’re feeling anxious or lonely, others don’t perceive them as warm or approachable; instead, they may seem to have an implicit “do not disturb” sign. It makes a lot of sense: Our faces convey feelings. That’s a wonderful thing, especially when we want to wordlessly let others know that we need support. But noticing and modifying your facial expressions can help you invite others in and also influence your mood. Again, DBT offers a brilliant solution to the dilemma of wanting closeness even when feeling distressed, called the half-smile. The truth is, you can change how you feel by changing your face. By raising your lips slightly, like a quarter of an inch, you release forehead tension and end up looking more Buddha, less bitter, and feeling more serene too. (To be clear, this isn’t a forced, fake smile, like when you’re posing for a picture. You can make sure you feel relaxed and also appear comfortable and natural by practicing in front of the mirror.) If you’re skeptical, research has shown that there is a facial feedback loop in which the brain communicates to the face and the face communicates with the brain. So relaxing your expression can affect your mood.

Often, as I mentioned earlier, people worry that they need to up their ante to impress, like a reality TV or Instagram story star. You can draw others in by being interested (Susan Cain explores this beautifully in her bestseller, Quiet). Instead of worrying about performing, attentively listening is a gift. Ultimately, we all want to feel seen and heard. While any one of us can satisfy an urge for entertainment with thousands of channels replete with gifted performers and comedians, your wholehearted attention is something only you can offer.

huge focus of our training was validation, which means communicating your understanding and acceptance of another person’s emotions, thoughts, pain, and desires. Just as invalidating someone’s feelings or words creates distance, it’s pretty remarkable how validation increases closeness and intimacy. Validation isn’t sounding fake, like an insincere therapist uttering, “It sounds like you’re feeling . . .” It’s also the opposite of being defensive or saying something like “I totally get it,” which no one ever does. It’s taking a genuine interest and expressing how someone’s experience makes sense.

GIVE isn’t crucial just for starting relationships; the technique also maintains them. For example, if you worry that stating your preferences will alienate others, adopting a sympathetic, easy manner sets a nice tone to express yourself.

GIVE might sound simple, and in some ways, it can be. But the technique requires gestures, like making eye contact and paying attention, which are impossible to do if you’re transfixed by technology.

Another exercise I love is called TIC TOC, a tool used in CBT that helps people think more adaptively. Given that unhelpful thoughts can fuel loneliness, thinking more constructively is one way of reducing experiences of loneliness. First attributed to the founder of CBT, Aaron Beck, and later described by psychiatrist David Burns, TIC stands for Task Interfering Cognitions, and TOC stands for Task Orienting Cognitions. This sounds complicated, but basically, it involves watching your mind so you can more flexibly replace ideas that get in your way with ones that motivate you. TIC TOC is often used to help people address thoughts that fuel procrastination, but I like to use the strategy more generally to target mental barriers that affect us in areas of our lives that matter. If your goal is getting close to others, TIC TOC can help you observe appraisals that keep you alone so you can swap them with ones that connect you with other people.

Once we work on not personalizing others’ oversights with thoughts such as some people just aren’t as detail-oriented, my clients almost always notice that they feel more connected than when they’re keeping score, even if the other person’s behavior doesn’t change.

Interestingly, research has found that reframing our relationships can make us feel less alone. Psychologists differentiate between perceived support and received support, and highlight that when it comes to reducing the risk of depression, perceived support is more important than actually receiving support. Believing you’re cared for, which may have a lot to do with thoughts that allow for feeling connected, matters more than actual support. I love the TOC People are doing the best they can. In contrast, the TIC They should do better gets in the way of bonding and feeling close.

the less time you devote to work, the more productive you may end up being. In a 2006 study, the accounting firm Ernst & Young found that employees’ year-end reviews improved roughly 8 percent for each additional ten hours of vacation they took. And those who took the most time off were less likely to leave their jobs.

Still, being with others might not always feel like your first choice of things to do, especially after a long week of work. It can feel challenging to rally after work and organize weekend plans. It is easier to go out if you have a partner who fills your free moments with opportunities to bond with a good group. While I do want to validate the challenges in making time to connect, the research on the risks that come along with loneliness suggests that connecting is worth the exertion. Creating closeness with others can keep you resilient, while feeling lonely seems to intensify pain. Loneliness isn’t just a painful feeling; it increases your risk of sickness and death. Psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad and her colleagues at Brigham Young University reviewed studies on relationships and mortality (examining more than three hundred thousand people) and concluded that those who were integrated in their communities were half as likely to die early as their more socially isolated peers. Shockingly, loneliness is twice as dangerous as obesity in terms of its effect on your health; it also increases the risk of mortality to the same extent as smoking cigarettes.

What does matter is your involvement in community and activities. A multisite study led by Candyce Kroenke followed nearly three thousand nurses with cancer and found that those with a large network of friends were four times more likely to survive than those who had fewer relationships.

My sense, influenced by principles in DBT, is that it’s inevitable that you’ll face dissatisfaction in relationships. Given this fact, the ability to repair relationships is more important than preventing a rift in the first place. Instead of ruminating on how best to bring up an issue that bothers you or worrying that saying something about a touchy topic will ruin a relationship, try the following DBT strategy, a great acronym known as DEAR MAN, that sets the stage to strategically ask for what you need instead of obsessing and feeling paralyzed. Here’s how it works: Describe the facts Express how you feel Assert or ask for what you want Reinforce/reward Mindful Act confident Negotiate, if needed

The premise of DEAR MAN is that you need to set the stage and lay out what happened (Describe the facts) and allow others to get a sense of your experience (Express how you feel). Next, we tell them what we hope for (Assert) and link that to something that matters to them (Reinforce). Your delivery is Mindful, so you don’t get distracted with a whole list of grievances or lose sight of what you’re asking for, nor do you dilute your request with unnecessary apologies (Act confident). Finally, you might need to Negotiate (e.g., if Kate’s friend were to ask to reschedule, she could give her more notice).

Kate sent a quick, transparent e-mail. Her friend was apologetic, and Kate discovered that once she stated her needs mindfully, she wouldn’t have to give up a relationship or obsess on how this person previously disappointed her or might hurt her again in the future. Instead, she was optimistic that she had a friend she could count on.

“You didn’t really write a book on being single . . .” Cory said in our call, and I felt my face warming and my heart rate accelerating as I noticed feeling ashamed and anxious. “You wrote about advances in living well,” he