The Variant Saga Boxed Set (The Variant Saga, #1-4)

by J.N. Chaney

Did she make a mistake?

Had she made a mistake

Tabata assured her it was necessary, saying they needed as much information about the radiation as possible,

Uh, it's gamma radiation. The end.

This made her sleep often and without provocation,

Without provocation? Really? I usually don't think of sleep as something that's "provoked."

If he could sneak in during the night, he might be able to steal some food.

I thought the point of looking for the town was so you could avoid it

each person was only supposed to consume an ounce of soap per shower,

Who the hell consumes soap? Little boys with filthy mouths? The word is "use." Don't try to use fancy words when a simple one works just as well and is more accurate.

Heat was part of the electromagnetic scale, just like gamma radiation.

NO IT ISN'T

a billion times the size of Earth,

Um, no

More nonsense about flying, thought Terry.

Yeah it's not like they could possibly have gliders or planes or balloons or any of the other things humanity uses to fly

perhaps even happy living under a cliff

Perhaps even happy COMMA living...

which he quickly learned

Which he HAD quickly

The prayer itself was a request to someone called the Eye, undoubtedly the local god.

Oh gee I wonder if that could be related in any way to the GIANT FRIKKIN EYE YOU SAW IN YOUR DREAM

with the old man lording over her.

You keep using the word "lording" like it means "looming." Stop it.

Earlier, a man had tossed a piece of rotting fruit through a slit in the door.

But they left you strapped into your bed. Did they just assume you would escape?

Anything else was absurd.

Yeah, they just called him a traitor for no reason. There's no way anyone could have been something else in the past.

John had suggested using parts from military-grade goggles as her foundation, which turned out to be a good idea.

Why would they have ever done anything else? Does Zoe frequently build night vision/infrared sensors from scratch?

Sounds good, honey dear.

Honey or dear, not both. No one says honey dear.

Mei ordered her team

Had ordered

we’re right below

We're directly below

what we’re looking at right now are called micro-wormholes,

More like "are something like micro-wormholes."

She clearly hated them, and he was never allowed to practice for long before an interruption. But when it was over, she stayed away, and he got his peace.

SO DO IT AGAIN AFTER SHE'S GONE

“My brother allowed her to leave, but I have come to take her home where she belongs.”

So... How does leaving with the high priest's permission make him a traitor, exactly?

He shuttered at the sound of his own name.

I think it more likely that he shuddered, unless he has built-in windows

A low rumbling shook the floor, causing Sophie to fall.

You've gotta stop doing this "causing x to y" thing. It's so dry and uninteresting. "An unexpected rumbling shook the floor, and Sophie stumbled, letting out a shriek of surprise."

weaving and expanding like a piece of yarn.

I don't remember ever seeing yarn weave and expand on its own. Like a piece of yarn *doing what*?

Mei caught herself holding her breath, debating what to tell him, wavering somewhere between the truth and a lie.

Maybe if she's so smart she should also consider that a vehicle would be an ideal place for Tremaine to have placed a listening device

You will send an explosive through the wormhole and destroy the gate on the other end, which should cause the tears to close. The board and I believe they are only there because of the link they share with the alien ring. Kill the bridge and you stop the radiation.

Ok, not only is this pure speculation, but no friggin scientist that ever lived would give up the chance to explore a completely new world with obviously sentient life

She considered going to John about it, but the news would only worry him.

If she were a real person she would IMMEDIATELY go talk to John

One of the fish jumped over a large rock only to be snatched by the mouth of a bear, which then consumed it.

"which then consumed it?" This is just so *clinical*! "Which began tearing into its light pink flesh with gusto."

He wished he could feel the current of air on his skin or smell the pollen. Ludo said there were a select few who could do this, but they were master flyers and had spent decades training.

Bullshit. The whole thing is a mental exercise, so just like anything else all he has to do is imagine it.

causing him to flinch.

Again with the "causing him to" phrasing. Just say "making him flinch!"

when traversing his own mind palace?

Oh, so now it's a mind palace? Considering the nature of it, wouldn't a better term be mental landscape, or even mindscape?

Instead, she sat in the dirt cab, falling asleep in the process.

Falling asleep in the process of sitting in the cab? Since when is sitting in a cab a "process?"

Did she hear her right?

Had she heard correctly

She couldn’t hardly believe it.

"couldn't hardly" is not a real phrase

to interrogate and to beat him.

To interrogate and beat him

Terry turned his attention to the six guards in the hall—two talking and three alone, one sitting on a bench and drinking.

This scene is really disjointed - it sounds like you're talking about the guards outside the room where Ludo is being beaten

He formed a pair of fists

He formed a pair of fists? Is he sculpting clay?

Blood splattered into the air, landing on Scar’s chest.

"blood flew through the air, landing on Scar's chest like crimson rain."

“Let me through,” said Terry once more.

To the men no longer blocking his path

stepped away. Scar swiped the dagger and missed, cutting the air.

Stepped away just as scar's knife thrust passed through the air where Terry had stood a moment before

“Stand still,” ordered Scar.

Such calm, ridiculous orders to be giving one's opponent in the middle of a fight!

swiping the knife at him chaotically.

swiping the knife at him in an erratic rhythm

Terry pressed his knees into the man’s chest. “Just leave me alone,” Terry told him.

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY IN THE MIDDLE OF A PRISON BREAK

Scar stopped moving rather quickly. As the last breath left his body, Red called out his name. “Garis.”

"stopped moving rather quickly?" My, what a touching death scene!

“You did,” said Terry.

"Nuh uh, you did!" Try something like "you held the knife."

“Stop moving so much,” commanded Gast.

Please learn to use phrasing that reflects the type of action taking place. Try "snarled" instead of "commanded."

blood spewing from his flesh.

"blood jetting from the wound". "Spewing" sounds weird when you're talking about bleeding.

squeezed into the outfit with some success.

Only some success? How exactly did he fail?

Together, they descended the stairwell and entered the foyer. There were a few guards in one of the corners, but no one stopped them.

Because the lack of huge pointy ears is totally not obvious, right?

She can’t break the law and go behind my back to Ross and Echols.

How is appealing to another branch of the government breaking the law?