... But I'm NOT Racist!: Tools for Well-Meaning Whites

by Kathy Obear

those who confront me are giving me a chance to learn how to be more of the person I say I want to be.

We become so over-focused with maintaining our reputation and trying to control what people of color think of us that we don’t really listening to anyone’s feedback, much less stay open to changing our behavior.

There are many other ways white people react unproductively when people of color try to give us feedback about our behaviors. Have you ever argued that people of color misunderstood what you said? Or that this was just an isolated incident, and you were just triggered and misspoke in the heat of the moment? Or have you tried to explain away your actions by claiming your comment actually had nothing to do with race? Or have you started credentialing and saying how your good friend, who happens to be black, uses that same phrase, so what is the big deal? Have you tried to defend what you did by pointing out how it was not as bad as what other

whites have been saying? Or insisted, “At least I’m trying! Why aren’t you confronting the others in the office?”

I’ve thought, “I can’t ever get it right, so why bother?” And as a result, I have given up trying–meaning I have sat back and stayed silent, not realizing how this is another example of using my white privilege to drop out and not take the risk to pay attention and respond to racist dynamics in the workplace.

After being confronted, it is common for white people to shut down and withdraw from any further conversation. We may say we are giving people of color space to talk when in reality we are punishing them with the silent treatment for having the audacity to take us on. And even this thought of giving them space reflects the white supremacist belief that whites own time and space, and it is ours to allocate and use as we see fit.

I believe a little guilt keeps us humble enough to be willing to recognize the impact of our behaviors, make amends, and change our actions in the future. However, I have also used deep guilt and shame to justify why I am sitting on the sidelines, wallowing in self-pity and fear, and not taking the risk to show up authentically in the moment.

Shame is rooted in dualistic white cultural beliefs that everything is good or bad, right or wrong. You are either a good person or a bad person, a good white ally or a bad one. There is no in-between. When I am deep in shame, I am focused on my essence as a person, feeling helpless and hopeless, believing that I can

never change and be different. But, if instead, I feel guilty about the impact of what I’ve said or done, I can use these emotions to motivate me to focus on how to change my racist attitudes and behaviors.

numerous examples of fears from people in the white caucuses I have facilitated. My guess is you can relate to feeling some of these, including: What if I make a mistake or say something racist? Will people see me as incompetent? Will this hurt my relationships with people of color? Will it hurt my reputation? Will I lose credibility? Is this a career-ending move? Will this moment come to define me so people always think of me as racist? What if they think I am a fraud? Will people be disappointed in me or feel I’ve let them down? What if people get hurt or I make things worse? What if I never get it right? Or what if what I do really doesn’t make any difference? These fears are debilitating. When I am swirling in these fears, I am triggered and not present enough to engage effectively. In addition to these fears, our ego often gets in our way.

literally NONE of these examples worry exclusively and explicitly about the poc involved, and all of them revolve around personal gain. and yet that's not the ego part????? also, is triggered really the right word or excuse to use here?

The ways we react out of our deep fear of being called racist undermines our core values and vision of ourselves as an effective change agent.

I was focused on my workshops on sexism and homophobia with no consciousness of how I was training only out of my subordinated identities and approaching these topics from a white, female, and lesbian frame of reference. I was really only trying to create more

acceptance and inclusion for myself and those who were like me.

Possibly the most significant impact in my race journey was having my first personal relationship with a person of color who so graciously invested time and energy into my growth and development. I began to care about issues of race and racism differently because now they were negatively impacting people I cared about.

a little ew... like u should care bc social justice... but ok

My experiences with the leaders and colleagues in Elsie Y. Cross Associates changed my life, my life path.

she literally only mentioned white ppl in the org.... also why r we still on her random life narrative instead of any real advice on how to change ???

I engage other whites with deep compassion and care as I rigorously confront their racist attitudes and behaviors.

how rigorous can u be while exercising "deep compassion"? it is not about THEIR feelings.. but their knowledge and actions..

Together, we commit at a very deep level to deepen our capacity as white change agents to truly partner with and follow the leadership of people of color to dismantle racism.

chill w the deeps omg

Together, we commit at a very deep level to deepen our capacity as white change agents to truly partner with and follow the leadership of people of color to dismantle racism.

where is the TOGETHER part? it really sounds like it is just whites working with whites. when do they actually engage w poc? (did poc get any say in this program design even?)

some days I am awake and creating liberation for myself and with others,

for herself??? isn't this for poc????????

I still have moments where I freeze and do not confront racist comments for fear of hurting a relationship or the chance of being hired. And in the process, I throw people of color under the bus to keep my privileged status. I sometimes still get defensive and resist the feedback from people of color or other whites who are only trying to help me be the person I say I want to be. And I can still feel triggered and become overly aggressive as I confront other whites on their comments and actions. As a result, I miss the opportunity to build a bridge and facilitate learning and growth. The good news is, I usually recognize what I am doing sooner than I used to, and most often, I come back to apologize, make amends, and commit to do better the next time.

ok good but like ... sometimes still sounds like a lot for someone writing a book and running a caucus? but good to own it I guess. but I wish she'd talk more about ultimately stopping these racist actions entirely ?? and what does she mean "most often she commits to doing better" like why not always

“It is not our fault, but we must accept responsibility.” I couldn’t control how I was socialized or what racist beliefs I unconsciously absorbed in my youth. It is not our fault that we learned and believed the underlying racist messages that permeate our society, but we now must take responsibility for what we learned, honestly own and interrogate all that we were taught, and then commit to a daily practice of eradicating these racist beliefs and actions from our lives.

I mean... at what point do u say no it is their fault for actively perpetuating what they learned .... like this is a little too absolve y

whites tend to interrupt and talk over people of color or rephrase what they have just said. I remember doing this and believing I was helping because I thought I could say it in ways that would be better understood by others.

It is common for whites to listen intently as other white people speak, yet give far less respect when people of color offer ideas as we check our phones, have side conversations, or dismiss their idea, until a few minutes later, as a white colleague mentions a very similar thought, we accept it as a great idea.

Another common racist dynamic I see occurs in trainings. I rarely, if ever, get questioned or challenged when I am co-facilitating with colleagues of color, especially if they identify as female. And yet predictably, almost every time, I watch participants ask my colleague to repeat instructions, challenge her statements and credentials, and often

decide they don’t need to follow her directions at all.

when people of color bring up issues, they may be ignored or experience resistance as well as exclusion from the many informal interactions and social activities where employees often receive support, coaching, and opportunities to develop productive working relationships.

In her book Promoting Diversity and Social Justice, Dr. Diane J. Goodman talks about other actions that white people do that create barriers to working collaboratively across race including when we demand things be done in ways that reflect white cultural norms. As a result, whites often take over or insert themselves into projects or conversations because we think we know more and can do it more efficiently.

whites rarely value the input and contributions of people of color, and yet we expect them to help the organization appear more diverse by being visible and active on many more task forces and search committees than ever expected of white members of the organization. In addition, we expect our colleagues of color to readily allow their pictures to be displayed on organizational websites and other marketing materials. They are also expected to drop whatever they are doing to handle situations involving issues of race when white colleagues feel uncomfortable

It is also ironic how many white people think we are superior to people of color, and yet we expect and demand they teach us about issues of racism and diversity as well as expect them to applaud us and g...

whites try to teach people of color about racism, sometimes referred to as “whitesplaining.”

Many whites believe that if people of color would only work harder, they could pull themselves up by their bootstraps and succeed as easily as whites. I appreciated a comment I once heard from a person of color, “We never had boots in the first place! Whites took those, too!”

if there is possibly one situation that we think could have involved race dynamics, we are quick to rationalize it away as an isolated incident and a

misunderstanding because we insist that the white person who did something inappropriate is a good person and would never do something like that. This type of rationalization is grounded in the positive bias that whites are good-hearted people who would never intentionally do anything harmful.

Most of the time when people of color raise issues we judge them as over-reacting, being too sensitive, and playing the race card. One root of this is our white cultural belief in individualism and the subsequent mindset that everything that happens to people is a result of their own individual actions: If something bad happ...

Instead of calling white people out from a stance of self-righteous anger or from an ego-driven desire to be seen as the “good white,” I am far more likely today to move into the conversation from a compassionate place because I recognize in myself what they have said or done. I no longer have to attack them in order to deny I have done the very same behaviors. I now have the

not sure how I feel about compassion here. Like there is a LOT between "attacking then" and "deep compassion" where more appropriate responses exist.

tools and emotional clarity, on most days, to meet whites where they are, relate to them by letting them know I have had similar racist thoughts and made similar racist comments, and then offer them what I have learned over time and other ways to respond.

I have to be

vigilant about seeing color and recognizing racial differences so that I can notice negative differential treatment and do my part to interrupt all the daily microaggressions people of color experience in the workplace.

and to appreciate their culture etc? I feel like there is so much emphasis on not being racist but somehow the value of being poc gets ignored beyond " we should value them bc everyone is equal"

I used five different types of skills that I find helpful in engaging in difficult situations related to race. I created the acronym PAIRS™ to help me remember each skill. The letters stand for pan, ask, interrupt, relate, and share. I first panned or scanned the room and noticed an increase in tension after his comment. I asked about his intent as a way to interrupt the dynamic and not stay silent as I heard a phrase that I knew was a racist trigger regardless of his conscious intent. I started by letting him know I was inviting him to say more about his intention and then related in by acknowledging how I had said that phrase before as well. I then asked if he knew this was a trigger phrase and invited him to scan the audience to check to see if he could pan racial identities and differences among people. I followed up by asking him to share more about his intent and related in by joining him in his vision. At that point, I

shared my thoughts about the probable negative impact of his using that term in the current national context as well as my thoughts on how white allies need to show up. I then invited others to share their feelings and reactions.

Let me be clear. I am not saying that whites experience racism or that the costs are at all similar to the vast devastating and deadly effects of racism for people of color. Yet, there is a powerful negative impact of racism on whites, and until we realize this and see our liberation completely connected with that of people of color, we will continue to drop in and drop out of change efforts to suit our own needs and convenience.

this isn't necessarily false I just wish we could defend equality without personal relevance requirements

I mistakenly thought I would score as very bias-free given all my self-work on whiteness and the racial justice work I have done over the years. You can imagine my shock and disbelief when the results showed I had negative prejudice towards African Americans. I was somewhat indignant and quickly started to critique the methodology of the test because it couldn’t be accurate!

all this social justice work and her firs instinct is to STILL critique the test instead of herself??????

I hope you journal your thoughts, feelings, and reactions so, like me, you will have a good story to tell other whites as you support and coach them in their learning and development.

a good story to tell ??? wtf not the point !!!!!

I felt so humble after reviewing the results.

I thought u felt indignant and blamed the test? what changed?

I only got to this level of willingness from having that deeply triggering, humiliating experience at the Development Lab. I hope you find your way to this new beginning in a far less painful way.

TRIGGERED BY BEING TOLD SHES BIASED AGAINST BLACKS??? WTF!!! What is less painful than a PRIVATE ANONYMOUS TEST. Holy shit.

I only got to this level of willingness from having that deeply triggering, humiliating experience at the Development Lab. I hope you find your way to this new beginning in a far less painful way.

less painful? than a simple private test? fuck you

Why would any white person work for racial justice? Why would we constantly put ourselves in the position to have to look at white privilege, recognize our racist attitudes and behaviors, and often get criticized by people of color for not doing enough as well as by many whites for being a race

look at rest

traitor? Why would we choose to feel such depths of guilt and shame? I have been asked these questions many times and often thought them myself over the years. It took me quite a while, but I now see the many costs of racism that I experience from this system of white supremacy and white privilege. All of the undeserved access, power, resources, and opportunities I have received as a white person have come with a heavy price. When I truly acknowledge these costs, I find more energy and commitment to stay in the work for racial justice. One of the more painful costs is how white people live in such isolation from people of color and other whites.

"why would white ppl bother with racial justice? why because it hurts us of course and that's unfair !!!!!" also live in isolation from other whites? how?

We tend to keep our distance by always walking on eggshells, avoiding situations where we might feel anxious or incompetent, and staying silent for fear of being called racist.

"it's racisms fault that we are cowards and are willing to throw others under the bus to save our own skins"

They have a long list of former friends and colleagues whom they have left behind because they could no longer bear engaging with them given their friends’ racist attitudes and behaviors. We can try to blame others, but I believe we need to look at our part in this dynamic and acknowledge all the times we have judged other whites as clueless and backed away so we wouldn’t be associated with anyone who

so are we supposed to continue associating with and coddling racists?