The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

by David Deida

20 DON’T SUGGEST THAT A WOMAN FIX HER OWN EMOTIONAL PROBLEM Asking a woman to analyze or try to fix her own emotions is a negation of her feminine core, which is pure energy in motion, like the ocean. She can learn to surrender her mood to God, she can learn to open her heart in the midst of closure, she can learn to relax her edges and trust love, but she will never “fix” anything by analyzing her “problem.”

Suppose it’s your woman’s birthday. If it were your birthday, you’d love it if your woman would do anything you wanted. So you think she’d like that, too. You say to her, “Happy Birthday! For your birthday, we can do anything you want. We can go anywhere and do anything. And I’ll do anything for you. What do you want to do?” This is exactly the opposite of most women’s idea of an ideal birthday present. Most women would get far more excited if you were to say, “You’ve got thirty minutes to pack your bags. Don’t ask me where we’re going, but we’ll be gone for the weekend. Everything is taken care of. Just pack your bags, and leave the rest to me. I’m going to give you the best birthday you’ve ever had.”

21 STAY WITH HER INTENSITY—TO A POINT When a woman gets emotionally intense, a mediocre man wants to calm her down and discuss it, or leave and come back later when she is “sane.” A superior man penetrates her mood with imperturbable love and unwavering consciousness. If she still refuses to live more fully in love, after a time, he lets her go.

22 DON’T FORCE THE FEMININE TO MAKE DECISIONS A man abandons responsibility by expecting that his woman will always make her own decisions and then be accountable for the results. This expectation is a withholding of his masculine gift. It puts a woman in the position of magnifying her own masculine. It is good for some women to learn to animate their masculine capacity to make a decision and stick with it. But if a man abnegates his responsibility to provide his woman with the gift of masculine clarity and decisiveness, then she will become chronically sharp, angular, and distrustful of his love. She will cease surrendering in love with him, cease trusting his masculine capacity, and, instead, become her own man.

Your woman asks you for input, and you say, “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.” This is the statement of a friend, not a lover. As friends, you want to treat each other fairly and give each other space and independence. As lovers, you and your woman are more than just friends. You are playing the full dynamic of masculine and feminine polarity. Wouldn’t you like your woman to be a goddess and offer you her feminine gifts? To evoke them, you must offer her your masculine gifts. One of your most valuable gifts is the ability to see all the options and make a decision based on this view of all the potential outcomes.

Even on the most trivial decisions, never say, “Do whatever you want.” If she asks you which shoes you think look better on her, make a decision, and tell her. Don’t just say, “They’re both nice.” Say something like, “I’d like the red shoes, but what’s the most important to me is that you’re happy.” She is of course free to wear whatever she wants, but she is also the recipient of your masculine gift of decisiveness.

If you refuse to offer your masculine gift by saying things like, “I don’t really care. It’s up to you,” then she will have to learn to depend on her own masculine capacity. Another way to say this is that she will begin to trust her own masculine more than yours. Then, you will find that she trusts you less and less across the board. She will refuse to surrender to you even sexually, because she hasn’t been able to relax and trust you all day; you haven’t offered her your masculine clarity and perspective, so she has to be her own man and give it to herself.

23 YOUR ATTRACTION TO THE FEMININE IS INEVITABLE Masculine men are attracted to forms of feminine energy: radiant women, beer, music, nature, etc. If a man tries to hide his attraction, it reveals some degree of shame with respect to his own sexual core.

24 CHOOSE A WOMAN WHO IS YOUR COMPLEMENTARY OPPOSITE If a man is very masculine by nature, then he will be attracted to a very feminine woman, who will complement his energy. The more neutral or balanced he is, the more balanced he will prefer his woman. And, if a man is more feminine by nature, his energy will be complemented by the strong direction and purposiveness of a more masculine woman. By understanding their own needs, men can learn to accept the “whole package” of a woman. For instance, a more masculine man can expect that any woman who really turns him on and enlivens him will also be relatively wild, undisciplined, “bonkers,” chaotic, prone to changing her mind and “lying.” Still, from an energetic perspective, this kind of woman will be much more healing and inspiring to him than a more balanced or neutral woman who is steady, reasonable, “trustworthy,” and able to say what she means in a way he can understand.

A woman with a more feminine sexual essence will say she loves you one moment, and then, when you have done something you are not even aware of, she will say she hates you.

If you are like most men, you have probably minimized your appreciation of the full spectrum of your woman’s feminine energy by numbing yourself to the aspects that most irritate you. For instance, she doesn’t drive you crazy any more because you’ve learned not to take her too seriously. Perhaps you have learned to seem attentive while not really listening to her endless chat. Or, maybe you have learned to give her a daily dose of affection as a way to quell her ongoing need for more intimate time than you really want to spend with her. This is the wrong approach. The feminine is an infinite source of love, inspiration, and power, both physically and spiritually. Feminine women are connected with the elements of nature in ways that more masculine people, such as yourself, usually aren’t. Feminine women may seem wild, untrustable, or even irresponsible from a man’s perspective, but such women are simply free of the masculine need to live in a world governed by reason and control.

You can’t have a woman who is always logically consistent, reasonable, and on time, and who also fills your heart and flesh with energy, instantly and throughout the day, with her bodily expressed love and ecstasy. She can animate reasonable masculine energy when she wants, but if she has a feminine core, much of the time she will want to dance, in wrathful anger or enchanting joy, beyond the need for reason.

You will only be happy in intimacy if you choose a woman who is your sexual reciprocal as a partner. And you will only be able to survive such an intimacy if her dark and light sides are equally embraceable to you. It takes time to develop such skill and strength, but in doing so you learn to provide your woman, as well as the world, with a man whose gifts are uncompromised by fear of feminine power and chaos.

25 KNOW WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN YOUR WOMAN The feminine is the force of life. The more masculine a man is, the more his woman’s feminine energy (as opposed to other qualities) will be important to him.

When these two aspects of your loving—spiritual awakening and sexual transmission—become diminished by your daily duties, you will both begin to seek elsewhere for daily refreshment and fulfillment. You will seek feminine energy in the form of a six-pack or a mistress. Your woman will seek masculine direction in the form of a social cause or a masculine-style career. Your relationship will become relegated to a well-meaning partnership of domestic duty. This may be exactly what you want. Or it may not be. In any case, you must know what is important for you, what is the purpose of your intimacy, and align all other activities around this central priority, if you want your intimacy to maintain and increase its potency for both of you.

26 YOU WILL OFTEN WANT MORE THAN ONE WOMAN Any man with a masculine sexual essence will desire sexual variety. Even if he loves his intimate partner and is completely committed to her, he will naturally want sexual occasions with other women besides his chosen intimate partner. How a man deals with his desire for other women is up to him. He should know, however, that there is no way to avoid such desires. He should also know that acting on such desires, though temporarily enlivening and exhilarating, often ends up complicating his life far more than the occasion itself is worth.

27 YOUNG WOMEN OFFER YOU A SPECIAL ENERGY In general, youth in a woman bespeaks radiant, unobstructed, and refreshing feminine energy. A young woman tends to be less compromised by masculine layers of functional protection built up over years of need. Traditionally, young women were understood to offer a man a particularly rejuvenative quality of energy. Older women may maintain, or even increase, the freshness and radiance of their energy, but it is rare.

28 EACH WOMAN HAS A “TEMPERATURE” THAT CAN HEAL OR IRRITATE YOU Some women are hotter, some are cooler. In general, blonde, light-skinned, Japanese, and Chinese women are cooler. Dark skinned, brunette, red-headed, Korean, and Polynesian women are hotter. Even though a man might choose to remain in a committed intimacy with one woman, his needs for different temperatures of feminine energy may change over time. A hot woman who aroused his passion several years ago may irritate him now. A cooler woman who soothed his heart several years ago may seem tiresome to him now. By understanding how different temperatures of feminine energy may affect him, a man could make more skillful life choices without confusion.

it’s important to realize that your needs for different kinds of energy will change throughout your life. It’s something you will need to learn how to deal with. It’s important that, in the meantime, you don’t mistake a changing energy need for a reason to end your marriage. It’s also important to know that you can receive energy from different women in entirely non-sexual ways, if you so choose.

Don’t confuse your energy needs with a commitment in love, though. Energy needs are relatively easy to balance. You can probably get the energy you need from a masseuse or a change in diet. If you react drastically, and decide to leave your wife for a woman whose energy enlivens you more, you may be surprised when, in a few months, your energy needs change again, and you realize you have made a very superficial choice.

29 CHOOSE A WOMAN WHO CHOOSES YOU If a man wants a woman who doesn’t want him, he cannot win. His neediness will undermine any possible relationship, and his woman will never be able to trust him. A man must determine whether a woman really wants him but is playing hard to get, or whether she really doesn’t want him. If she doesn’t want him, he should immediately cease pursuing her and deal with his pain by himself.

30 WHAT SHE WANTS IS NOT WHAT SHE SAYS Sometimes a woman will make a request of her man in plain English, not to get him to do something, but to see if he is so weak that he will do it. In other words, she is testing his capacity to do what is right, not what she is asking for. In such cases, if the man does what his woman asks, she will be disappointed and angry. The man will have no idea why she is so angry or what could possibly please her. He must remember that her trust is engendered not by him fulfilling her requests, but by him magnifying love, consciousness, and success in their lives, in spite of her requests.

Your woman probably tests you in this way all the time. Her ultimate desire is to feel your full consciousness, your trustable integrity, your unshakable love, and your confidence in your mission. Yet she will rarely ask you directly for these things. She would rather try to distract you from your truth, and then feel that she cannot—that you hold fast to your truth while you continue to love her. If you are a weak man, this feminine trait of wanting one thing and asking for another will piss you off. You will wonder, “Why don’t you just tell me what you really want, instead of saying one thing and meaning another, expecting me to figure it out?” This is the view of a man who does not understand that women are an incarnation of the divine feminine. And the divine feminine settles for nothing less than the divine masculine.

31 HER COMPLAINT IS CONTENT-FREE Women are always wanting divine masculine presence in a man, regardless of their specific complaint or mood. A man should hear his woman’s complaints like warning bells, and then do his best to align his life with his truth and purpose. However, if he believes in the literal content of her complaint, he will immediately go off course, for the content reflects her present mood more than a careful observation of his tendencies over time. Her complaint should be valued as a reminder to “get it together,” and perhaps as an indication as to how. But more often than not, the specifics of her complaint do not describe the real, underlying action or tendency that needs to be changed.

The thing your woman is complaining about is rarely the thing she is complaining about. It is a mistake to believe the content of what she is saying, and then respond to her complaints, point by point. When she complains about financial issues, she is usually feeling a lack in your masculine capacity to direct your life with clarity, purpose, integrity, and wisdom. The money itself is secondary. If you were poor but totally conscious, happy, full of integrity, fearless, humorous, loving, and giving your fullest gift to the world and to your woman, she wouldn’t complain about lack of money.

32 SHE DOESN’T REALLY WANT TO BE NUMBER ONE A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man’s life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man’s dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging. A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose—and also to love her fully. Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.

33 YOUR EXCELLENT TRACK RECORD IS MEANINGLESS TO HER A man’s track record means nothing to the feminine. A man could be perfect for ten years, but if he’s an asshole for thirty seconds his woman acts like he’s always been one. The feminine responds to the moment of energy, forgetting her man’s history of past behavior. A man’s past behavior is irrelevant to his woman’s feeling in the moment. But men base much on another man’s history of behavior, so they think their own track record should count for something. But to a woman, it doesn’t.

“Well, you did today. And that’s what counts.” There is no use trying to mitigate her anger by referring to your great track record. To the feminine, history is irrelevant. What counts is the feeling in the moment. If you let her down now, it doesn’t matter that you haven’t let her down for months, or even years. Your past successes mean nothing to her present feeling of your failure.

Instead of getting angry because she’s so upset that you made one little mistake in a long series of successes, instantly shift the energy between you. Remember, history is irrelevant to the feminine, so your mistake is as easily forgotten as your successes. As soon as you see she’s upset, immediately assume happiness. Shock her with your love. Make her smile and laugh with your humor. Lick her neck, or lift her off the ground and pretend you’re King Kong. Surprise her in some loving way, and the emotional slate will be wiped clean. Your momentary failure will be effectively vanished, as irrelevant as the long line of your successes.

34 SHE WANTS TO RELAX IN THE DEMONSTRATION OF YOUR DIRECTION A woman must be able to trust you to take charge if she relaxes her own masculine edge. This is true financially, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. The man doesn’t have to actually do all the work, but he must be able to steer the course if his woman is going to relax into her feminine without fear.

35 YOU ARE ALWAYS SEARCHING FOR FREEDOM The essential masculine ecstasy is in the moment of release from constraint. This could occur when facing death and living through it, succeeding in (and thus being released from) your purpose, and in competition (which is ritual threat of death). The masculine is always seeking release from constraint into freedom. The feminine often doesn’t understand these masculine ways and needs.

The feminine seeks fullness and abhors emptiness. She will fill her empty shelves with knickknacks, seashells, and pebbles collected from special places. When she does not feel full of love, she seeks to fill herself with ice cream, chocolate, or conversation, rather than empty her stress through TV or ejaculation, as men often do. Her dark side enjoys the emotional aggression in soap operas and romance novels, rather than the physical aggression of boxing matches and porno movies. She longs to fill her sense of spiritual emptiness by surrendering her heart and being filled with love. Her basic means toward spiritual unity is surrender into the devotional fullness of unbounded love, rather then breaking through the fear of ego-death into the unconstrained infinity of absolute freedom.

36 OWN YOUR DARKEST DESIRES If a man disowns his dark masculine desire for freedom, then he kinks the hose of his masculine force. His energy will not flow freely, and his attention will be bound by unfulfilled yearnings. Most importantly, if his hose is kinked in this way, he weakens his masculine capacity to stand fearless in the death that is conscious life. He will not be able to face the unknown, the groundless ground of being, and still function from his heart in love.

You must learn to let go, absolutely, in love with your woman. Unless you choose to live your life as a celibate, there is no way around this. You must be as fearless with your sexual desire as you are with your spiritual desire. The essential masculine fear is loss of self—which is also the essential masculine desire. So, if you are like most men, you are willing to lose your self in controllable ways like sports, newspapers, and orgasm, but you remain fearful of losing your self, for real, in love-ecstasy with your woman, surrendered in the unknowable infinity beyond mind.