How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!

To me, a missed TV show does not qualify as worthy of a meltdown. But a child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us. The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.

Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

Sit on those “buts.”

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying,

If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.

TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing Seeing their feelings and desires written down in black and white can be very powerful, even for prereaders.

Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”

TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art

Match the emotion. Be dramatic!

TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality

A child in emotional distress is unlikely to be soothed by well-reasoned discourse. A terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.

Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.

By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification.

TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

So our kids get told what to do. All day long. That’s the reality of being a kid. And they should listen, because we’re in charge and we’re just trying to do what’s best for them,

TOOL #1: Be Playful

One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.

TOOL #2: Offer a Choice

Don’t turn a choice into a threat.

TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge

As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details.

TOOL #4: Give Information

You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do.

Instead of, “You left the cap off the glue stick again. Great!” Give information: “Glue sticks dry out very quickly when they’re not capped.”

TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)

What happens when your four-year-old hears you say, “Apple core”? She has to think. Apple core? What about an apple core? Oh, I left it on the couch. I guess I should put it in the garbage. The child tells herself what to do. She doesn’t feel bossed around. Now she won’t be tempted to throw the apple core at the back of your head.

TOOL #6: Describe What You See

If you can restrict yourself to a simple description, without adding an irritating command or accusation, you may find your child willing to help out.

Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.”

Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.

TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel

It can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry.

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”

Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

Fury is not a useful everyday seasoning for a relationship!

TOOL #8: Write a Note

TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult

Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time.

Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!1

TOOL #1: Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!”

TOOL #2: Show Your Child How to Make Amends “Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better.