How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

When children have left you an unpleasant surprise, resist the urge to threaten and accuse: “Who made this big mess? No TV tonight if this doesn’t get cleaned up.” Instead, stick with describing what you see and giving information. “I see crumbs all over the floor. That will attract ants. This room needs a good sweeping. Here’s the broom!”

After the cleanup is finished you can say, “I see a clean floor. The ants will have to go outside and find their snacks in the yard.”

If you feel the urge to lecture, try to limit yourself to a word. You’ll get more traction with “Crumbs!” than you will if ...

Again, keep in mind that your child does not care about cleanup any more than you care about putting together a Lego dump truck

for a preschooler it’s not helpful to think of it as a moral issue. What’s important at this stage is developing a positive feeling about being helpful and working together.

when a toddler is tired or hungry, avoid a losing battle. Do it yourself for now. There will be plenty of other opportunities for your child to participate. Don’t worry, this is not the last mess!!

taking action without insult. If you need to restrain her, you can do it with understanding and sympathy. “I’m going to hold you on my lap while the doctor gives you the injection. I know you don’t like this. I wish there were a less painful way to protect you from diseases.”

One idea that helps Jake relax at bedtime is to have him get under the covers and then tell him The Story of Jake’s Day. It may not have the same plot twists and illustrations as a regular bedtime storybook, but somehow it helps him let go of the day and relax into sleep. It goes something like this: “You had

I used to tell him that monsters don’t exist, and he would say, “I know! But I’m still scared of them!” It works better to take his worries seriously. It’s more comforting because it makes him feel like we’re on the same team—a monster management team.

That day I discovered a common misperception about this approach. Parents assume they should be able to remain calm and in control at all times. I have yet to meet a parent who fits that description.

Let’s go back to the foundation of this approach. All feelings can be accepted, some actions must be limited. That truth must apply to us as well as to our kids.

It’s important to reconnect after the intensity of anger has abated. Our kids need to know there is a way back into our good graces and a better way to go forward.