How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present.

TOOL #3: Offer a Choice “We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can dig a big hole in the sand. You decide.”

TOOL #4: Take Action Without Insult

I take action in order to protect, not to punish. I take action to protect my child from harm, to protect others from being harmed physically or emotionally, to protect property, and to protect my own feelings.

TOOL #5: Try Problem-Solving One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger. After the storm has passed, invite your child to sit down with you.

The first step of problem-solving is to acknowledge your child’s feelings. This is the most important step, and the most frequently skipped!

The second step is to describe the problem. Here’s where you can talk about your feelings or other people’s feelings.

The third step is to ask for ideas. For this step you’re going to need paper and pencil. Be sure to write down all ideas, no matter how outrageous. If you start rejecting ideas at this stage of the game (“Oh no, that would never work!”) your child will quickly lose interest.

The fourth step is to decide which ideas you both like and cross out the ones that neither of you like.

The last step is to try out your solutions. Get a magnet, stick your list of ideas on the refrigerator, and wait for opportunity to strike.

The beauty of problem-solving is that, unlike punishment, it offers endless possibilities.

If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations.

Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.

Remove the disputed object temporarily.

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

An eye-opening study found that when people are offered large monetary rewards to complete a challenge, their creativity and engagement in the task plummets. Rewards helped people perform well on some very simple mechanical tasks, but as soon as they needed cognitive skills, rewards interfered with their ability to function.

“As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.

You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!

When a child is engaged in an activity, there is no need to disturb her concentration by looming over her and offering unsolicited comments.

TOOL #1: Describe What You See A more useful way to praise is to resist the impulse to evaluate and instead to simply describe what you see (or hear or notice with any of your five senses).

Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.

TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others

Instead of, “You’re the best big brother!” You can say, “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.”

TOOL #3 Describe Effort

The children in the second group, whose efforts had been described, were enthusiastic about taking on a more challenging task.

Both groups were then given a new sheet of math questions. But this time the first group, the children who had been showered with evaluative praise, did worse. Their confidence was shot. In contrast, the children whose efforts were appreciated did better.

Instead of, “What a smart boy you are!” You can say, “You kept on working on that puzzle until you figured it out.”

TOOL #4: Describe Progress

One advantage of descriptive praise is that you can use it even when things aren’t going particularly well, by pointing out what has been achieved so far.

you’ll be more likely to inspire a child to finish cleaning if you notice what he has accomplished so far: “I can see you got your dirty clothes in the laundry basket, you hung up your wet towel, and there’s a clear path from the door to the bed! Now all this room needs to be ready for company is for the blocks to be tossed into their box and the dirty tissues on the desk to be thrown in the garbage can.”

We can give him specific descriptive feedback that is realistic and helpful.

Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.

Give a child a new picture of himself.

Here’s my reservation about that statement. When a parent or teacher says, “I’m proud of you,” she’s taking credit herself for the child’s accomplishment. When she describes what the child has achieved, the child gets the credit. When in doubt, credit the child.

Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

Instead you can stick with describing his actions, his efforts, his progress, and his effect on others:

By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths. That’s how children form their image of themselves.

When we demonstrate generosity of spirit by accepting feelings, we help our children become more resilient, and we increase their ability to deal with the inevitable bumps and detours in the road of life.

TOOL #4: Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child

Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.

The next basic need I want to address in this fractional chapter is the need not to be overwhelmed. If too many demands are made and too many frustrations have piled up, even a simple, respectful request can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.

The moral of the story is: watch out for all those “straws,” both hidden and obvious, that may be overwhelming your child. When the load is getting heavy, spend more time relaxing and reconnecting and less time making demands—of yourself or your child.

Finally, we need to match our expectations to the child’s stage of development and level of experience.

We’re not going to get there by demanding that children eat a certain number of bites of broccoli in order to get to the dessert. That only teaches them that if they choke down the ‘bad stuff’ they get to eat the ‘good stuff.’

Using dessert, or any reward, as a bargaining chip does not help children learn to enjoy healthy food.

“So getting kids involved in the planning and preparations can make a big difference in their interest in the meal,”

the latest research shows that learning to lie is an important milestone in a child’s cognitive development.

In many instances the lie represents a wish.

It’s very hard to learn to tell an uncomfortable truth. We help our children face up to this challenge when we minimize the accusations, let them know we understand how they feel, and show them how to make amends. It’s easier to be courageous when there’s hope of redemption!

We can’t expect kids to naturally want to clean up. Like it or not, it’s our job to make the task appealing.