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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
What I discovered as a parent was that there is a certain twenty-four-hours-a-day relentlessness to caring for young children that makes it hard to think straight.
Sometimes simple survival is a good goal.
—When kids don’t feel right, they can’t behave right
The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right. If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation. All we’ll have left going for us is our ability to use greater force.
My guess is that some of your misery would be soothed if someone simply acknowledged and accepted your feelings.
When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved: She understands me. I feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I can handle it.
TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence
All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.
Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.
Children depend on us to name their feelings so that they can find out who they are. If we don’t, our unspoken message is: “You don’t mean what you say, you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel, you can’t trust your own senses.” Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.
“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.”
If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .
The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.
Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.
TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing
Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”
“Even though you know you don’t need new PJs, it’s still hard to see your brother get a new pair. Let’s write down the colors you like so we’ll know what to buy when you need them.”
TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art
It’s important to be genuine when you acknowledge feelings. Nobody likes to feel manipulated. Reach inside and find that emotion. Be real!
TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality
A child in emotional distress is unlikely to be soothed by well-reasoned discourse. A terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.
Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child. You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.
By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification. You don’t have to figure out the cause of the feelings in order to empathize.
TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention
and unimpressive-looking tool of great power. The tool of (almost) silent attention. You can continue to listen to your child, responding with an empathic, “Ugh!,” “Mmm,” “Ooh,” or “Huh.” Often that’s all you need. By lending an attentive ear and firmly squeezing our lips together, or letting out a sympathetic grunt, we can help our children find their own way through their feelings. The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work
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REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in
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It’s human nature. We’re stuck with it, and our children are no different. We resist being told what to do. Direct orders provoke direct opposition. When we give children commands, we’re working against ourselves. Where we had hoped to inspire obedience, we’ve just stirred up rebellion in their little hearts.
The problem with a threat is that it can come awfully close to sounding like a dare.
TOOL #1: Be Playful
One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk. Lonely shoes can whine, “I feel cold and empty. Won’t somebody put a nice warm foot in me?” Hungry toy boxes can demand, “Feed me blocks! I want the green crunchy ones!”
Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.
In my experience, if you can muster up a little playfulness, it actually takes less energy than having to deal with all the whining and resistance you get from a direct order. It also sets a nice tone. Even if orders are more efficient, the mood will be brighter with playfulness. It makes people feel more loving and cooperative.
TOOL #2: Offer a Choice The second tool for engaging cooperation is to substitute a choice for a command.
human beings, including small ones, like to have some input and control over their lives.
Sometimes a parent must persist. “I don’t want my carpet cut. What else can you cut?”
When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!
A common complaint among parents of toddlers is, “He won’t do what he’s told because he just wants to be in control!” My response is, “Then let’s put him in control.” Whenever you can put your child in charge of his own behavior, you come out ahead.
As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details. Delegate! It’s less work for you in the long run, and your child will enjoy some independence.
“I have another good way to use this tool. You can put kids in charge of time!
TOOL #4: Give Information
You don’t always need elaborate preparation to put your child in the driver’s seat. Often it’s enough to give her simple information instead of an order. Here’s how it works. You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do.
Instead of, “Stop banging on that keyboard. You’re going to break it!” (To which the inevitable reply is an offended, “No, I’m not!”) Give information: “Keyboards are delicate. All they need is a very light touch.”
TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)
What happens when your four-year-old hears you say, “Apple core”? She has to think. Apple core? What about an apple core? Oh, I left it on the couch. I guess I should put it in the garbage. The child tells herself what to do. She doesn’t feel bossed around. Now she won’t be tempted to throw the apple core at the back of your head. Just be careful that the one word you use is a noun, not a verb. A verb is more likely to sound like a command.
TOOL #6: Describe What You See Sometimes a single word is not enough. You may need to string a few together. If you can restrict yourself to a simple description, without adding an irritating command or accusation, you may find your child willing to help out. Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.”
negative. Describe the progress that you see before pointing out what’s left to be done. Instead of, “I see you haven’t finished the cleanup,” you can say, “I see almost all of the cars and blocks have been put away! There’s only one dump truck and a few road pieces left to go.”
TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel
It can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry. It’s hard for them to figure out what’s going on when our words don’t match our emotions. When you describe how you feel, you’re not only giving children important information, you’re also modeling a vocabulary of emotions that they can use when they are frustrated, upset, or scared.
When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
