How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising. “Oh, look what you made! Tell me about this.”

TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others We all want our kids to be good citizens. We’d like to encourage their efforts to help others. But we need to beware the temptation to judge their character. Stick with description! Instead of, “You’re a good girl.” You can say, “You carried those grocery bags all the way to the kitchen. That was a big help!”

It’s no surprise that children who are told they are smart and talented often fall apart when they encounter their first real challenges. When things are easy for them, their label is confirmed. They are the best and the brightest. But when they find themselves struggling, as eventually they will, their faith in themselves is shaken. Maybe I’m not so smart after all. Better to stick to the safety zone and not reveal weakness. As you can see, praise is indeed powerful. Used the wrong way, it can deter children from activities and behaviors that we mean to encourage. Maybe all of that “overpraising” of children is really just the wrong kind of praise.

TOOL #4: Describe Progress One advantage of descriptive praise is that you can use it even when things aren’t going particularly well, by pointing out what has been achieved so far.

The problem is, criticism in the midst of a struggle can be discouraging. On the other hand, inauthentic praise (“Don’t worry, you’re doing fine!”) can be infuriating (“No, I am NOT doing fine!”).

With descriptive praise, we can point out progress in a way that feels supportive and genuine. Often pointing out one positive thing is more effective than pointing out ten negatives.

Sometimes we do need to point out what’s wrong. Kids don’t always notice on their own. In a case like this it’s important to appreciate the positive first. If you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative. And even then it’s most useful to put your criticism in positive terms.

Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.

When a child is feeling down, it’s more helpful to acknowledge feelings first, instead of offering empty reassurance: “It’s frustrating to see other kids get across all the monkey bars when you can’t do it yet.” “It sounds like you’re feeling discouraged about reading. It’s annoying to be stuck with a picture book when you want to be reading chapter books.”

Resist the urge to praise by comparison. It can be tempting to parents of more than one child to praise by comparison. We fall into the trap of trying to boost the ego of the “big boy” at the expense of the baby.

The problem is, we don’t want a child to feel that our pride in his success comes at the expense of others’ failures. We don’t want him to feel threatened by the accomplishments of his rapidly growing sibling, or the triumphs of his classmates. Instead you can stick with describing his actions, his efforts, his progress, and his effect on others:

“You got your shoes on by yourself. I guess I know who’ll be teaching the baby to tie his shoes when he gets a little bigger.” (Now he can see himself as a teacher of his little brother instead of as a rival.)

By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths. That’s how children form their image of themselves.

These are the things he can draw upon to give himself confidence in the face of adversity and discouragement. In the past he did something he was proud of, and he has, within himself, the power to do it again.

REMINDER: Tools for Praise and Appreciation 1. Describe What You See “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!” 2. Describe the Effect on Others “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.” 3. Describe Effort “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.” 4. Describe Progress “You sounded out each of the letters and you put them together. You read a whole sentence!” • Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising. • Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise. • Give a child a new picture of himself. • Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

Once people made the shift from trying to change the kids to changing their expectations, they found many ways to make life more pleasant for their children and themselves.

Just because your kid did something yesterday doesn’t mean he can do it today. Just because he can do something in the morning when he’s fresh, doesn’t mean he can do it in the afternoon when he’s tired. Kids aren’t consistent in their use of new skills.

Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t

When you tell a child what not to do, you may be confusing him. You can’t assume that he’ll automatically know what to do. The next time you need to stop your child, try redirecting him instead.

We need to meet basic needs before any communication tools will work for us.

The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.

Little kids aren’t always aware that they’re feeling bad because they’re tired or hungry. It’s up to us to keep those possibilities in mind and to offer sustenance and slumber when those two vital ingredients might be lacking.

I’m going to throw in a few more basics that may be a little less obvious than food and sleep. One of these is the biological need for recovery time. When we get angry, our bodies are flooded with hormones. Our heart rate increases and our blood pressure rises, making us more likely to withdraw or react with aggression. Most people have heard of the flight-or-fight response. You learned about it in your high school biology class, but you probably haven’t given much thought to it since. One of the best things we can do for children in times of stress is to give them time to recover from the physical changes of anger, fear, and frustration. Don’t expect a child to be able to “snap out of it” immediately.

The next basic need I want to address in this fractional chapter is the need not to be overwhelmed. If too many demands are made and too many frustrations have piled up, even a simple, respectful request can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. We need to be aware of when a child is nearing his breaking point so we don’t add that last seemingly harmless straw.

Finally, we need to match our expectations to the child’s stage of development and level of experience.

REMINDER: The Basics–Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work • Lack of food • Lack of sleep • Need for recovery time • Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome) • Lack of developmental or experiential readiness

Serve your child an empty plate! Pretend he’s an adult at a dinner party. He didn’t get to choose the menu, but he does get to fill his own plate. Let him spoon out his own pasta, put his own sauce on or not, sprinkle his own cheese on top, and grab some carrots and string beans on the side for crunch. Or if he’s too young to handle the serving spoon, at least he can ask you for what he wants and guide the amounts he gets. It’s a great opportunity for a kid to practice autonomy.

Using dessert, or any reward, as a bargaining chip does not help children learn to enjoy healthy food.

“One thing I do that makes the kids excited about eating healthy food is to have them help prepare it,” offered Sarah. “When they help to make the salad by ripping up the lettuce, or pour the rice and water from the measuring cup into the pot, or stir the beans and sprinkle in the spices, they’re always more excited about eating.”

“When I take Benjamin to the grocery store, I let him pick which peaches and plums we should buy for our fruit salad. He loves eating ‘his’ fruit.” “So getting kids involved in the planning and preparations can make a big difference in their interest in the meal,” I said.

REMINDER: Food Fights Resist the urge to . . . . . . insist that your child clean his or her plate, eat a specific food, or eat a predetermined amount. . . . offer dessert as a reward for eating healthy food, or withhold it as a punishment for not eating. . . . be a short-order cook. . . . label your child a picky eater. . . . make food a battleground! Instead you can . . . 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Even though you usually like chicken, you’re not in the mood for it tonight.” 2. Offer Choices • Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself. • Serve some of the meal as simple separates so kids can make choices about what they put on their plates. • Offer a simple alternative if kids don’t want the “grown-up” food—peanut butter sandwich, bread and cheese, hard-boiled egg, raw carrots, red pepper. 3. Manage the Environment Keep sweets and sugary drinks out of sight. Make it easy to avoid temptation! 4. Put the Child in Charge Let kids have as much involvement as possible in planning, shopping, as well as preparing the meal, if you can tolerate some food landing on the floor. (Your dog will thank you!) 5. Give Information Let kids know that “tastes change,” so they don’t feel stuck with their limited palate. Tell them, “You might want to give this a try when you’re ready.”

REMINDER: Morning Madness 1. Be Playful (Shoe talking.) “I don’t want that foot in me. Nooooo!” (Parent talking.) “You’d better get on Luke’s foot right now. You’re making him late!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to walk to the car the regular way or backward?” 3. Put the Child in Charge “Can you set the timer? I need you to let me know when it’s time to go out the door.” 4. Try Problem-Solving “It’s not easy to remember all the things we have to do in the morning. What do you think about making a chart?” 5. Acknowledge Feelings “It isn’t easy to get out of a warm, cozy bed. It’s nice to snuggle for a few more minutes!”

you may feel tempted to throw in a little comparison to make the older child feel better about not being babied. It can seem like a good idea to reassure the older sibling of his superiority. (“You’re a big boy. You can climb the stairs and the baby can’t. You can get in the carseat all by yourself. You know how to bake cookies with me. The baby can’t do that!”) This kind of talk is risky! The baby won’t stay helpless forever. We don’t want an older child to feel threatened by a younger sibling’s progress. His self-esteem shouldn’t rest on the shaky foundation of the baby’s ineptitude. Instead, tell him how lucky that baby is to have a big brother who is such a skilled seatbelt buckler, and that soon he will be teaching his little sister how to buckle herself in, or climb the stairs, or bake a cookie. We want him to feel proud of his competence and of his position as a benevolent helper.

When angry feelings do boil over and you have to protect a sibling from physical attack, it’s important to take action without reinforcing negative feelings. While grabbing up the aggressor, resist the temptation to say, “There you go again. You’re too rough! Now you made the baby cry. That’s mean!” Instead, snatch him away without insulting his character: “I can see you’re angry! I can’t let anyone get hurt. We need to separate!”

It helps to hold back that first “protect the baby” remark. Resist the urge to demonize the older or stronger child. If you can describe the problem from both points of view it will make a big difference in the mood.

REMINDER: Sibling Rivalry 1. Accept Feelings “It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!” 2. Give Wishes in Fantasy: Let the older child pretend to be a baby “Come sit on my lap and be my super baby.” 3. Describe What You See: Notice and appreciate the positive interactions between siblings “You figured out how to cheer up your sister when she was crying.” 4. Put the Child in Charge so that he has an opportunity to see himself differently “Can you pick a board book for the baby? She likes it when you read to her.” 5. Reconnect With Your Child • Plan for Special One-on-One Time “Would you like to make cookies when the baby takes her nap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up truck book?” • Tell the Older Child Stories About his Baby Days “I remember when you . . .” 6. Take Action Without Insult: Avoid casting a child in the role of aggressor “We need to separate. I don’t want anyone getting hurt!” 7. Try Problem-Solving: Resist the urge to take sides and don’t minimize the problem! “Jamie wants to build by himself and Kara wants to touch the blocks. This is a tough problem. We need ideas.”

“It’s hard for kids,” I said. “We’re constantly taking them to stores where they see all this stuff laid out in front of them. And they see us buying that stuff. They don’t understand about working for money and paying bills. They want to do what we’re doing—take stuff off shelves and bring it home!”

“We could ask them to pick out two different kinds of pasta. They could put their energy into choosing the different shapes. And how about produce? They could pick out three of the best-looking apples. But it’s nice to have some open-ended decisions to make too. I used to tell my kids they could have one free choice out of the whole produce section.

I have my kids help me make the shopping list, and they each have certain things to look for.”

Children don’t really make any part of life more efficient. But if you can get them involved at least some of the time, they’ll be more cooperative most of the time.”

REMINDER: Shopping with Children 1. Put the Child in Charge Have him help make a shopping list and gather groceries to put in the cart. Give her an allowance: “You can bring your dollar to the grocery store in case you see something you want to buy for yourself.” 2. Offer a Choice “Should we get the spiral pasta or the elbow pasta? You pick!” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with a Wish List Thomas’s Wish List: Star Wars jumbo Lego set 4. Give Information—Let Children Know What to Expect “We’re going shopping for Elena’s birthday present today. Let’s bring the wish list in case you see something you’d like for yourself.”

When a child tells a lie, it may help to remember that it is both common and normal. In fact, the latest research shows that learning to lie is an important milestone in a child’s cognitive development.1 Children lie for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they lie out of embarrassment. “I’m not the one who pooped in the playhouse!” Sometimes they lie to get their own way. “I didn’t have a turn!” Often they lie to avoid the unpleasant consequence of facing an angry parent. “I did not throw a ball in the living room and break the lamp.” In many instances the lie represents a wish. Although it’s normal for children to “experiment with the truth,” we still want them to learn the difference between the truth and a lie and why they should stick to the former most of the time. The challenge for the adult is to resist the temptation to shame the child or to label him a liar.

Instead of accusing and interrogating, state the obvious. In the case of the purloined dessert, you can simply say, “I see you ate the cake.” If she protests, don’t call her a liar. Instead, you can accept the feeling behind the protest. “It’s not easy to resist eating chocolate cake when it’s sitting right in front of you. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it!” Let her know how you feel: “I’m very upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!” Make a plan for the future: “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.” And you might also do some planning of your own. The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert. Make it easier for your child to practice honesty—adjust your expectations and manage the environment. If possible, help her make amends: “We’re going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you get out some cookies and arrange them nicely on a plate?”

We’re ‘guiding kids toward being truthful rather than labeling them as liars.’ Lying is a natural stage of development. To punish them for it is counterproductive. It would be like punishing a baby for pooping in her diaper. It’s natural, but we want to help them move on to the next stage.”

It’s very hard to learn to tell an uncomfortable truth. We help our children face up to this challenge when we minimize the accusations, let them know we understand how they feel, and show them how to make amends. It’s easier to be courageous when there’s hope of redemption!

REMINDER: Lies 1. Describe What You See: Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious. “I see chocolate on your face.” 2. Describe How You Feel “I’m upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!” 3. Acknowledge Feelings “It’s not easy to resist cake. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it.” 4. Try Problem-Solving: Make a plan for the future “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.” 5. Adjust Expectations: Manage the environment instead of the child Think to yourself, The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert so it’s not so tempting. 6. Help the Child Make Amends “We’re going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you get out some cookies and arrange them nicely on a plate?”

“First you let her know how you feel, and then you give her the words she can use to express herself without irritating you. It can be tricky, because you really do have to bite your tongue to some extent. Kids can’t take too much disapproval, even when you’re gentle about it. The younger they are, the less they can handle. “But they do need to know when the words they use result in a resentful parent. That’s valuable information! If we take abuse with a sympathetic smile, we’re teaching them the wrong lesson.”

You can have a truly miserable interaction with a kid and still come back with a triumphant finish.

REMINDER: Parents Have Feelings, Too! 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly Instead of, “You’re being rude!” Try, “I don’t like being told I’m mean. It makes me mad.” 2. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can tell me, ‘Mommy, I’m disappointed! I wanted to go!’ ” 3. Don’t Forget the Basics—Give Yourself and Your Child Time to Recover “I’ll talk to you about it after dinner. Right now I’m too upset.”

“If one child tells on another for breaking a rule, you can restate the rule and express confidence that they’ll respect the rule in the future. Or help the little rule breaker fix her mistake.”