How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

REMINDER: Tattling 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Jenna didn’t like being poked. That hurt!” 2. Help the Child Make Amends (without scolding) “Let’s get a broom and sweep up the mess.” 3. Try Problem-Solving “How will we remember not to touch the stove dials? We need ideas.”

The first thing to do is adjust your expectations. We can’t expect kids to naturally want to clean up. Like it or not, it’s our job to make the task appealing. The payoff comes later, when they’re a little bit older and can understand the joys of orderly living.

Helping out with cleanup is a good opportunity for them to develop new skills and contribute to the family. Even a child too young to care about order and organization can feel a sense of purpose and pride that comes from helping out. The challenge is to manage it with a sense of fun and warm feelings—or at least without blame and frustration.

You can offer a choice and at the same time make the task feel less overwhelming: “Do you want to start by picking up all the books, or by tossing all the dirty clothes in the basket?” “Do you want to pick up red Legos or blue?” “Cars or crayons and markers?” You can be playful, and make the block bag talk: “I’m hungry, feed me blocks. Mmmm, I like these crunchy rectangles! Give me more! Yuck, I hate the triangles. They stick in my throat. Ooh, these green ones are extra tasty.” You can make it a game: “How many blocks can we get into the bag in two minutes? Johnny, you set the timer. Ready . . . set . . . GO!” You can issue a challenge: “I’ll bet you can’t get all the crayons back in the box by the time I empty the dishwasher.” (Let them win, of course.) You can get them counting: “Each citizen must deposit five pieces of trash in the garbage pail before leaving this room.” You can write a note: Jackets away before play. Even children who can’t read enjoy getting a note. You can include a picture or read it to them. Describe what you see with appreciation. “Wow, look at this big cleanup you did. You guys are quite a team. This floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it’s a pleasure to walk on!” It’s important to point out progress instead of criticizing an incomplete job. I’ve derailed many a cleanup effort by saying, “This is nowhere near finished. It still looks like a disaster area!” You’ll get better results with a statement like, “I can see you...

What’s important at this stage is developing a positive feeling about being helpful and working together.

REMINDER: Cleanup 1. Be Playful (Shoes talking.) “Pretty please, put me in the closet with my friends.” “How many minutes will it take to toss all the Legos into the bucket? You can set the timer. Ready . . . set . . . GO!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to be in charge of putting away the books or the cars?” 3. Write a Note “Please hang me on the hook. Love, Your Coat.” 4. Describe What You See “I see orange peels on the floor.” 5. Give Information “Peels belong in the compost.” 6. Say It with a Word “Coat!” “Peels!” “Shoes!” 7. Describe Progress “You got that whole pile of dirty laundry in the basket! All that’s left to put away are the cars and books.” 8. Describe What You See with Appreciation “Wow, look at this big cleanup you did. The floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it’s a pleasure to walk on!”

“It’s tempting to announce that your child is shy. It comes from the best of impulses,” I said. “We want to protect our kids. But they also need to know we have faith in them if they’re going to be brave enough to make the leap into sociability. I have the magic words for you. Are you ready to receive them?” Vigorous nods all around. “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.” The group looked underwhelmed. “What’s so special about that?” It may not sound like much, but those three little words do a lot of work. They tell a child that you respect his feelings and his need to go slowly. They also let him know that he’s in charge. He’s not being pushed. But the most important part is what you’re not saying. You’re not keeping him stuck in a role. Dad said I’m shy. I must be shy. I’d better stay behind his legs where it’s safe. Instead you’re issuing an invitation. You’re protecting him while he’s feeling uncomfortable. But the door is left wide open. He can ease into the activities without fanfare, as soon as he’s ready. The readiness often comes quickly as soon as the pressure is removed. If the relatives continue to push, you can run interference. When Cousin Lively tries to pull Jamie over to the train tracks you can say, “Don’t worry, Jamie will join you when he’s ready. He likes trains.” And to Jamie you can offer a choice, “Do you want to hang out here with the parents and have a snack first, or do you want to sit on the couch in the playroom and watch the kids and the trai...

REMINDER: Shy Kids 1. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be hard to walk into a new house filled with relatives. Lots of people want to say hello to you. That can feel scary.” 2. Adjust Expectations: Give a child something to do instead of pressuring him to be social. “You can carry in the chips and put them in the bowl for people to eat.” 3. Offer a Choice “Do you want to sit on the couch and watch the kids set up the trains? Or do you want to have a snack with the grown-ups first?” 4. Be Playful (Sock puppet talking.) “Hi there! Would you like a corn chip?” 5. Put the Child in Charge “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”

The main idea is to come up with some kind of fun plan for how to get from point A to point B safely, instead of engaging in a battle of wills.

REMINDER: Little Runaways 1. Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child Avoid outings that seem like fun but will be more stress than pleasure with a small child. There will be plenty of opportunities to see holiday decorations at the mall or enjoy an outdoor concert by the river when your child is a little bit older. 2. Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings “You don’t like it when your hand is squeezed. You want to be free to look around.” 3. Describe Your Own Feelings “I worry that drivers backing out of parking spaces can’t see children.” 4. Offer a Choice “You can ride in the cart or you can help push.” 5. Be Playful “We need to stick close together. It’s a jungle out there. I think I just saw the tail of a lion behind that car!” 6. Try Problem-Solving “Let’s think of a secret signal we can use that means we have to get to each other as fast as possible.” 7. Take Action Without Insult Grab your kid and go home. “We can’t stay here. I have to watch the baby and I’m too worried about losing sight of you by the river.”

Imagine a person who pushes, punches, grabs, kicks, and bites to get what he wants. You are either picturing a violent criminal or a perfectly normal two-year-old.

“We need to let our kids know that violence is unacceptable. The challenge is to do it in a way that will allow for loving feelings rather than increasing resentment. That’s what will ultimately keep our kids safe from future violence, whether as perpetrators or victims.”

The first priority, of course, is to protect. Take action to prevent injury! This may involve grabbing a child. The words that accompany this action are important. We need alternatives to “bad boy” or “how could you hurt the baby like that?” or “don’t be mean!” We need words that state your values without attacking the child. “Sisters are not for pushing!” The next priority is to attend to the victim. “Let me kiss that bump to make it feel better. Should we put ice on it?” But it’s not enough to simply draw a line in the sand. You want to head trouble off at the pass so that you don’t have to trudge through all that sand in the first place. What can a parent do to make a kid feel more kindly toward a sibling and less likely to attack in the future? We can help him make amends: “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you bring her the teddy bear? . . . Thank you, Benjamin!” And finally we can acknowledge feelings and problem-solve for next time: “It’s not easy to live with a one-year-old. What can a person do when a baby starts to crawl on them or grab their stuff?” We tell our children not to hit, but sometimes we forget to acknowledge what a challenge that is for a youngster. It can be a great relief to a child to know that he is engaged in one of the great aspirations of civilization—figuring out alternatives to violence!

REMINDER: Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing 1. Take Action Without Insult • Make everybody safe “We need to separate!” • Attend to injuries “Let me kiss that bump. Do you want a piece of ice for your head?” 2. Express Your Feelings Strongly “I don’t like seeing Isabel hurt!” “That makes me very upset!” 3. Help the Child Make Amends “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a strawberry?” 4. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be very frustrating to have a little sister grabbing your things.” “It’s not easy to resist hitting or pushing when you’re mad!” 5. Give Information “No pushing allowed in this house. Daddy is not allowed to push me. You are not allowed to push your sister, and she is not allowed to push you. And I am not allowed to push either of you—unless you need a push on a swing!” 6. Try Problem-Solving “Sometimes your little sister can drive you crazy! What can a person do when his sister is bothering him? We need ideas.”

REMINDER: Sleep 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Sometimes it isn’t easy to fall asleep. It can be scary to lie in bed in the dark.” 2. Be Playful “I need to smooth out these terrible lumps in your bed!” (Press down on legs and arms of child.) 3. Try Problem-Solving “Let’s see what ideas we can come up with for staying in your bed at night. A special night-light? A picture book by your bed? A recording of songs or stories?” 4. Take Action Without Insult “Mommy and Daddy need to sleep! I’m putting you back in your bed. We’ll play in the morning.”

All feelings can be accepted, some actions must be limited. That truth must apply to us as well as to our kids. The challenge is to notice and accept our own violent feelings, and at the same time limit our actions so we do no harm. Or, if we do cause harm, the challenge is to reconnect with our children once we’ve recovered.”

When I’m angry my voice gets loud. Fortunately for me, there are plenty of great ways to be loud without doing psychological damage. Stick with the tools. This is where they really come in handy.

Say it with a word. When I’m driven into a frenzy by dawdling kids (and my gentler tools of playfulness and offering choices to get them into the car have failed) I yell, “CAR!!!” with all my frustration packed into that word. Chances are the word car, even delivered at top volume, will not cause lasting damage to the psyche. If one word is not enough, you can direct your fury into giving information. You can roar, “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!!” You can express your feelings strongly. Use the word I instead of you. “I GET VERY UPSET WHEN I SEE A BABY BEING PINCHED!!!” You can describe what you see. “I see people getting hurt!!!” You can take action. “I can’t allow sand throwing! WE ARE LEAVING!!!” None of these words wound. They don’t tell a child he is mean or worthless or unloved. They do let him know that his parent is past all patience. And they model a healthy way to express anger and frustration without attack.

Of course, being yelled at by a furious parent can be an upsetting experience in itself. That can’t be the end of the story. It’s important to reconnect after the intensity of anger has abated. Our kids need to know there is a way back into our good graces and a better way to go forward. That can start with acknowledging feelings all around. “That was no fun. You didn’t like getting yelled at. And I was really mad about _...

REMINDER: When Parents Get Angry! A. In the moment, if you must yell, use your tools . . . LOUDLY! 1. Say It in a Word “CAR!!!” 2. Give Information “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!” 3. Describe How You Feel “I GET VERY UPSET WHEN I SEE A BABY BEING PINCHED!!” 4. Describe What You See “I SEE PEOPLE GETTING HURT!!” 5. Take Action without Insult “I can’t allow sand throwing! WE ARE LEAVING!!” B. When the moment has passed and everyone’s safe, take care of yourself. Do whatever works best for you: run around the block; take deep breaths; take a time-out for yourself (lock yourself in another room); call a friend and vent; email a friend; write in a journal; hug a dog; turn on your favorite music; attend to your own basic needs—sleep and food. . . . C. Reconnect and try problem-solving. “That was no fun. You didn’t like getting yelled at. And I was really mad about being late. What can we do next time?” D. Seek help if you feel the anger is too much.

When “Engaging Cooperation” Tools Don’t Work “When I find myself hitting a wall, my mantra is, ‘When in doubt, go back to acknowledging feelings.’

When acknowledging feelings isn’t helping, here are a few things to check: Are you matching the emotion with your tone of voice, or are you just phoning it in? No child (or adult for that matter) wants to hear a calm, syrupy singsong, “Oh, you are frustrated,” when he’s extremely agitated. You have to say it like you mean it. “That’s SO FRUSTRATING!” And don’t forget, you’re not limited to simply labeling the feeling. There are other ways to let a child know that you’re getting it. A sympathetic grunt can be comforting: “Ugh!” “Mmph.” If that’s not enough you can put a child’s thoughts into words: “Stupid Legos!” “Someone should invent bricks that will actually stick together when you put them together!” “You didn’t want that to happen!” Sometimes it helps to tell the story of what happened: “You worked hard on that. You almost had it! You got all the big blue bricks together to make the base. And all the little red bricks for the lights. And you put the alien with a laser on the top. It was almost ready to fly to Mars. And then it exploded! Darn it!” And sometimes the best approach is to say nothing! There are times when children prefer to be left alone, without any interference at all, even when they’re struggling. Children (and adults) don’t always appreciate a running commentary about how they’re feeling. Keep in mind that kids will cry, tempers will fly (as will toys and juice cups). We can’t shield our children from all distress, nor should we. They can’t learn how t...

The thing is, what seems like a minor inconvenience to us can feel like a monumental disappointment to a kid. We can’t simply talk them out of their feelings or explain them down to smaller proportions.

Kids are not programmable robots. Before they can grow up to be kind, thoughtful, self-directed beings, they’re going to have to learn how to manage a range of emotions and experiences, including great sadness and disappointment. That’s bound to include some wailing and gnashing of teeth. It’s all part of being human.

Sometimes, when a kid really wants something and can’t get it, he is going to cry and scream. It doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doing the wrong thing. The unenviable job of a parent is to stand your ground when the health and safety of your child is at stake, even in the face of a hurricane of emotion that only a toddler can produce.

REMINDER: Troubleshooting 1. When a child is too upset to cooperate, go back to Acknowledging Feelings “You don’t even want to think about visiting your friend another time. You were looking forward to going today!” • Make sure your tone of voice matches the emotion “That’s so disappointing!” • Try a grunt instead of words “UGH!” “Mmph!” • Put your child’s thoughts into words “Stupid Legos! They should stick together and stay together!” • Tell the story of what happened “You worked for a long time on that spaceship. You used blue bricks for the base, and red bricks for the lights, and it was almost ready to launch! All it needed was the fins on the rockets. . . .” 2. Give your child Time to Recover (and give yourself a break!) “I can see how sad you are. I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner. Come join me when you’re ready.” 3. Help a child climb out of the pit of despair by Acknowledging Feelings, Giving Information, and Offering Choices “Oh no, the skin got ripped! That hurts! Good thing skin knows how to repair itself. It’s getting busy right now growing more skin cells to cover that poor knee and make it as good as new. How many days do you think it will take? What kind of Band-Aid should we cover it with?” 4. Take Action and stick to your values; if you regularly cave in to whining and complaints, the tools won’t work “You wish we could have candy for breakfast! I’m putting it out of sight. The choices are cereal or eggs.” 5. Check on “The Basics” Is your child lacking...