More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
November 13, 2021 - March 1, 2022
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” —Peggy O’Mara
What I discovered as a parent was that there is a certain twenty-four-hours-a-day relentlessness to caring for young children that makes it hard to think straight.
The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right.
The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence
All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
The good thing about being a parent is that if you blow it the first time, you almost always get another chance.
Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.
Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.
Sit on those “buts.”
“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.”
If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .
can be irritating to have to deal with a baby when you’re trying to build a spaceship! The problem is, babies don’t understand about Legos.” “How disappointing to find an empty box when you’re in the mood for cookies! The problem is, it’s too late to go shopping.” The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings. Perhaps
Even though you know . . . “Even though you know it’s too late to go shopping for cookies, you’d sure like to have some right now!” “Even though you know it’s time to pick up your brother at the bus stop, it can be exasperating to have to leave the playground when you’re having fun.” (As a bonus, you’ve taught him a new vocabulary word!)
Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”
“Even though you know you don’t need new PJs, it’s still hard to see your brother get a new pair. Let’s write down the colors you like so we’ll know what to buy when you need them.”
Acknowledge Feelings with Art
Match the emotion. Be dramatic!
Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality
A child in emotional distress is unlikely to be soothed by well-reasoned discourse.
Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.
“You seem sad.” “Something upset you.” Or even just, “Something happened.” That kind of phrase invites your child to talk if she feels like it, but also gives comfort if she doesn’t feel like talking.
“I notice you’re not too happy when we get to school. Something makes you not want to go in.”
“Ugh!,” “Mmm,” “Ooh,” or “Huh.” Often that’s all you need.
The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.
All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .”
Match the emotion. Be...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Resist the urge to ask questions of a dis...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Tools for Engaging Cooperation . . . Feelings Schmeelings, She Has to Brush Her Teeth —Getting kids to do what they have to do
When you “ask” a child to please hold still . . . or get in his carseat . . . or put away his blocks . . . you’re not really making a gentle request. You’re not truly willing to accept “No thank you!” as an answer.
One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.
Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.
Instead of, “Get in the car now. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Try, “We have to get all the way from the door to the car. Let’s try hopping. It won’t be easy!”
Instead of, “If you don’t get into pajamas right now, there will be no story time.” Try, “Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?”
You’re also teaching kids how to turn a tedious task into a pleasant activity. We can grumble and mope over a sink full of dirty dishes, or we can put on some lively music, work up the suds, and dance and sing our way through the mess. That’s a valuable life skill.
Don’t turn a choice into a threat.
When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant! Satisfying as it may be to say, “You can come with me now, or I can leave you here for the wild dogs to chew on. You decide, honey!” try to resist that impulse.
We live in a world of minutes and seconds ticking by at an alarming rate. A world of, Go, go, go, we’re going to be late! Kids inhabit a different world. Their world is, Oh, hey, look at that spider hanging from the ceiling. . . . Ooh, we could pull these cushions off the couch. . . . I wonder if a dog will lick applesauce off the carpet.
Let’s face it, kids tune out lectures. Grown-ups are no different.
Just be careful that the one word you use is a noun, not a verb. A verb is more likely to sound like a command. Sit! Come! Quiet! Better for dog training than for child rearing.
Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.” Instead of, “You’re making a big mess.
Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
“I see almost all of the cars and blocks have been put away! There’s only one dump truck and a few road pieces left to go.”
When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
When Maria expressed her angry feelings to Benjamin in that last story, she did it in a particularly skillful way. She completely avoided the word you. She said, “When I see one child hurting another I get very upset!” What she didn’t say was, “When I see you hurting your sister . . .”
When you see a child doing something dangerous, it doesn’t usually help to say, “Stop that, you’re going to hurt yourself!” You will most likely get the classic reply, “No I’m not.” It’s more effective to describe your feelings without the word you: “I get scared when I see people jumping around near the stove while I’m cooking. I worry about burns.”
It’s more useful to tell her how you feel. “I don’t like being yelled at! That doesn’t make me feel helpful. I like to hear, ‘Mom, can I have some juice, please?’ ”
Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.
Save your outrage for those times when it is unavoidable.
