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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
November 13, 2021 - March 1, 2022
Kids aren’t consistent in their use of new skills. It makes having realistic expectations even harder for parents and teachers. But who ever said it was going to be easy?
Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Write a Note, Use a Gesture, Draw a Picture, Sing
Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t
When you tell a child what not to do, you may be confusing him. You can’t assume that he’ll automatically know what to do.
Kids on the autism spectrum take longer than neurotypical kids to move from the stage of literal thinking to imaginative play. It
“Oh my, the apple is disappearing from your plate.” When he gets distracted, I try to catch myself and say, “The food isn’t disappearing. What’s going on?”
The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.
Remember the first rule of chapter one? Kids can’t act right when they don’t feel right. Little
One of these is the biological need for recovery time. When we get angry, our bodies are flooded with hormones. Our heart rate increases and our blood pressure rises, making us more likely to withdraw or react with aggression.
One of the best things we can do for children in times of stress is to give them time to recover from the physical changes of anger, fear, and frustration. Don’t expect a child to be able to “snap out of it” immediately.
Give it to yourself if you can. Instead of trying to force yourself to act calm when you’re feeling anything but, let children know, “I’m still very upset! I need some time to feel better. I’ll be able to help you in a few minutes.”
The next basic need I want to address in this fractional chapter is the need not to be overwhelmed. If too many demands are made and too many frustrations have piled up, even a simple, respectful request can be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.
When things are going badly it may be helpful to ask yourself, Am I expecting my child to behave in a way that is beyond his current level of ability?
That scenario may exist in a fantasy novel, but it was too much to ask of the real world. For three-year-olds, an exciting vacation would be a trip to a new playground for an hour, another thirty minutes to muck about in a muddy stream, then a nice snack, and home to sleep in their own bed. Keep your plans simple and humble when your kids are small, and you will have simple (and less expensive) disappointments.
REMINDER: The Basics–Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work • Lack of food • Lack of sleep • Need for recovery time • Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome) • Lack of developmental or experiential readiness
“It seems to me we have two important goals here. The first is to provide kids with a healthy diet, but that’s not enough. We also want to help them form a healthy attitude toward food, so they can tune in to their own bodies—eat when they’re hungry and stop eating when they’re full, be open to trying new things, and enjoy eating food that nourishes them.
Pretend he’s an adult at a dinner party. He didn’t get to choose the menu, but he does get to fill his own plate. Let him spoon out his own pasta, put his own sauce on or not, sprinkle his own cheese on top, and grab some carrots and string beans on the side for crunch. Or if he’s too young to handle the serving spoon, at least he can ask you for what he wants and guide the amounts he gets. It’s a great opportunity for a kid to practice autonomy.
We have them as an afternoon snack. And I make sure to call sweet things ‘treats’ rather than junk food. I don’t want to teach him that what tastes good to him is junk or garbage. Anton knows he can have two cookies at snack time, and after that if he’s still hungry he has to choose some ‘growing food,’ like nuts or fruit.”
“So getting kids involved in the planning and preparations can make a big difference in their interest in the meal,” I said.
‘Hey, that’s not nice to the people who are eating it!’ ” “Not to mention the person who made it!”
“Ears can hear only what emotions will allow.”
Children don’t really make any part of life more efficient.
you can get them involved at least some of the time, they’ll be more cooperative most of the time.”
kids love the hands-on science museum in the city, but I dread the exit. To leave the museum, you’re forced to walk through the gift shop. It’s an effective and cruel design! You’ve got overstimulated children, expensive toys at a kid’s eye level, and worn-out parents.
latest research shows that learning to lie is an important milestone in a child’s cognitive development.1
Instead of accusing and interrogating, state the obvious. In the case of the purloined dessert, you can simply say, “I see you ate the cake.” If she protests, don’t call her a liar. Instead, you can accept the feeling behind the protest. “It’s not easy to resist eating chocolate cake when it’s sitting right in front of you. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it!”
“It still seems like something’s missing here,” said Toni. “I get that you’re guiding kids toward being truthful rather than labeling them as liars. But meanwhile, in your scenario, the kid told a lie and there was no consequence. What’s to discourage her from lying next time? How is she going to learn that lying is wrong?” “Toni,” I said, “you summed it up beautifully. I don’t think I can improve on your words. We’re ‘guiding kids toward being truthful rather than labeling them as liars.’
Little kids have different priorities from their parents.
When I had to take all three kids for shots, I made sure to start with acknowledging feelings. “Just the thought of getting a needle in the arm can be pretty scary.” Then I went on to giving in fantasy, “I wish they could put the medicine inside a lollipop. You’d eat one a day for a week, and then you’d never get sick.” Then I nimbly threw in some information. “The shots put tiny little fighters in your blood, called antibodies. They fight against tiny germs so you don’t get sick.”
Imagine a person who pushes, punches, grabs, kicks, and bites to get what he wants. You are either picturing a violent criminal or a perfectly normal two-year-old.
The mother (and father!) ship must survive if the crew is to thrive.
can only conclude that you have to have experienced the intense and relentless frustration of being in charge of these precious, sweet, unruly, and infuriating little beings twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to truly understand the anger an otherwise loving parent can feel.
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Liberated Parents, Liberated Children, by Faber and Mazlish Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish Children Who Are Not Yet Peaceful, by Donna Goertz Kids, Parents and Power Struggles, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka The Spirited Child, by Kurcinka Playful Parenting, by Lawrence D. Cohen The Siblings’ Busy Book, by Lisa Hanson and Heather Kempskie The Happy Sleeper, by Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn Punished by Rewards, by Kohn Uniquely Human: A Different Way
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