How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

Kids are exhausting. Little kids are exceptionally exhausting. For me it’s more fun when we’re all tired and cheerful, instead of tired and irritable.

Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child. • Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do. • When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you. • Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

TOOL #1: Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!”

TOOL #2: Show Your Child How to Make Amends “Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some apple slices, or do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?”

The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.

“We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried

I may even place a moratorium on trips to the playground until we come up with a better plan to protect myself from a stressful outing. “I’m not taking you to the playground today. I don’t want to end up getting mad and yelling again. We need to come up with a new plan first.”

The first step of problem-solving is to acknowledge your child’s feelings.

The second step is to describe the problem. Here’s where you can talk about your feelings or other people’s feelings. Unfortunately this part has to be short. You can’t go on and on, or you’ll sink the ship before it sails.

The fourth step is to decide which ideas you both like and cross out the ones that neither of you like.

nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations.

Avoid the temptation to solve their problem for them.

When the disputed object is in one child’s hand it will be hard for them to think clearly. The struggle will continue. You’ll need to say, “I’ll put the remote control up on the shelf for now, while we figure out what to do. I bet if we put our heads together we can think of a solution that feels fair to both of you.”

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment.

A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

It turns out that the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).2

You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish. It’s a way of letting our children know that sometimes we need to take a break before we can solve a problem.

“Jackie, come over here and sit with me for a little while. We need some time-out.” She’d sit with her arm comfortingly around her daughter for a few minutes, then ask her if she thought she was ready to go back to playing. There’s a very different feeling to that kind of time-out. It doesn’t say, “I’m banishing you because you were bad.” The message here is, “I’m on your side. It’s not easy to play with a bunch of kids. Let’s take a break together.” Some people call this a time-in: taking a break with a child, and refreshing the sense of connection between the two of you.

“Oh no, Kara is sad. We need an idea to make her feel better.”

You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!

furious. Is this supposed to be part of motherhood? Having projectiles lobbed at my head? Good thing it was plastic, not glass! Good thing I’m not a single mom right now.

Try Problem-Solving Step One: Acknowledge your child’s feelings “I can see that you don’t like your hand held in the parking lot. It makes your fingers feel squeezed.” Step Two: Describe the problem “The problem is, I worry about cars hitting children in the parking lot.” Step Three: Ask for ideas “We need some ideas so we can go back to the park and have a good time without people getting mad or scared. What can we do?”

Research and observation suggest that it’s not a matter of how much praise we dole out, but the way we praise that makes the difference.

when we use words that evaluate, we often achieve the opposite effect.

The first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise.

Think about how you would feel if you were cooking dinner with your partner sitting a few feet away saying, “Nice technique slicing those onions. Good choice of cooking oil. The carrots are very evenly diced. You’re displaying a very effective grip on that can opener.” How many minutes could you put up with that before screaming “Leave me alone!”

Instead of, “That’s a beautiful picture!” Try, “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!”

Instead of, “Good job!” Try, “I see you picked up all the cars and all the books, and you even picked up the dirty socks! I see bare floor. That was a big job.”

Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising. “Oh, look what you made! Tell me about this.” “How did you get the idea to do this?” “How did you make this?” “Show me how this works.” “This makes me think about outer space. What does it make you think about?” “I wonder what you’re going to make next.”

Instead of, “You’re a good girl.” You can say, “You carried those grocery bags all the way to the kitchen. That was a big help!”

Instead of, “You’re the best big brother!” You can say, “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.”

Instead of, “You’re such a thoughtful little girl!” You can say, “You helped Johnny zip up his coat. Now he’ll be nic...

Instead of, “Good boy. I knew you could be nice to the kitty if you tried.” You can say, “I hear Sparky purring....

“Wow . . . that’s a really good score. You must have worked really hard.” A different kind of message: You stuck with it. You kept trying until you figured out all the problems.

Instead of, “What a smart boy you are!” You can say, “You kept on working on that puzzle until you figured it out.”

Instead of, “You’re very talented at gymnastics.” You can say, “I saw you climbing onto that balance beam again and again until you walked the whole beam without falling off.”

Instead of, “Good job dressing yourself.” Try, “You kept working on that button until you got it ...

The problem is, criticism in the midst of a struggle can be discouraging. On the other hand, inauthentic praise (“Don’t worry, you’re doing fine!”) can be infuriating (“No, I am NOT doing fine!”). With descriptive praise, we can point out progress in a way that feels supportive and genuine. Often pointing out one positive thing is more effective than pointing out ten negatives.

“Look at this letter B! It’s a real beauty contest winner. It sits so politely on the line. It’s not busting through the floor and bothering the downstairs neighbors. It’s not flying up in the air and banging on the ceiling.” “Look at the big spaces between these four words. This part is very clear and easy to read.”

Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.

Time to switch gears and acknowledge feelings. When kids are unhappy, we don’t have to prop them up with frantic praise. It’s more helpful to say, “Ugh, you are not happy with the way that bicycle came out. It doesn’t look like what you see in your head. It’s not easy to draw a bike. It’s hard to put something from real life onto a flat piece of paper and get it to look right.”

When a child is feeling down, it’s more helpful to acknowledge feelings first, instead of offering empty reassurance: “It’s frustrating to see other kids get across all the monkey bars when you can’t do it yet.” “It sounds like you’re feeling discouraged about reading. It’s annoying to be stuck with a picture book when you want to be reading chapter books.”

If you think the mood is right you can try giving wishes in fantasy: “Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just eat three magic raisins and . . . zip across the whole playground hand over hand without getting tired! . . . read a thick chapter book and know all the words?”

Give a child a new picture of himself.

“It’s weird. Each person is different. Some kids, like Ethan, learn to read chapter books before kindergarten, but they can’t ride a two-wheeler yet. And some kids, like you, learn to ride a bike without training wheels when they’re only three, and they’re still working on reading a chapter book. Some kids learn reading faster and some kids learn riding faster, but they all learn to read and they all learn to ride. I’ve seen you sounding out words and reading sentences, so I know you’re learning. And I’ve seen Ethan working on balancing on his bike, so I know he’s learning. I just hope you don’t start reading while riding. That could cause a big crash!”

Instead of, “You’re riding without training wheels. I’m so proud of you!” You can say, “You did it! You figured out how to balance on your bike without training wheels. You must be pretty pleased with yourself!”

So what’s wrong with that? Proud parents and teachers, happy kids, right? The problem is, we don’t want a child to feel that our pride in his success comes at the expense of others’ failures.

Instead you can stick with describing his actions, his efforts, his progress, and his effect on others: “You got your shoes on by yourself. I guess I know who’ll be teaching the baby to tie his shoes when he gets a little bigger.” (Now he can see himself as a teacher of his little brother instead of as a rival.)

Imagine you’re learning a language called Kwarben, with difficult pronunciation and complicated grammar, and you’re utterly dependent on people who speak only this language. You’re very hungry. You try your best to ask for scrambled eggs—kwazikrai—but the only response you get is, “F’wij troyk thwarpel, brigahzee par klafik” (which means, “I don’t understand you; speak more clearly”). Feeling frustrated, you try again, shouting “Kwazikrai!” Your host responds in Kwarben, saying, “I can’t hear you when you shout.” How long will it be before you give up, or cry, or throw a shoe at your host? Even if my host

Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.