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Kindle Notes & Highlights
“your perfect right” means living on an equal footing with the other people in your life. We’re all about equality — balance — in your life and relationships.
encourage people — like you — to balance the scales,
We advise assertiveness as a tool for making your relationships more equal — for avoiding the one-down feeling that often comes when you fail to express what you really want and need.
approach to human relationships honors everyone, helping underdogs to level the playing field and express themselves while respecting the rights of others. What’s more, it works as well for conveying your positive feelings as it does for standing your ground.
Sensitivity to the feelings of others (for example, the ability to detect and empathize with the feelings of others)
Behavioral skills for responding appropriately to those feelings (such as social skills)
We think the important thing is to affirm self-worth — both yours and the other person’s.
You’ll discover how to develop and use tactics that are fair, leaving both parties with their self-respect intact.
Assertiveness is an alternative to personal powerlessness or manipulation.
help you develop effective ways to express yourself, maintain your self-respect, and show respect and goodwill toward others.
learn in the pages to come, assertiveness reflects genuine concern for everybody’s rights.
Assertive self-expression is direct, firm, positive — and, when necessary, persistent — action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships. Assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our feelings and needs (affection, love, friendship, disappointment, annoyance, anger, regret, sorrow) honestly and comfortably.
Confronted with a difficult situation, many people tend to respond nonassertively, thinking of an appropriate comeback long after the opportunity has passed.
helping thousands of people learn to value themselves and to express themselves directly and honestly,
Many people don’t believe they have the right to be assertive.
Many people are highly anxious or fearful about being assertive.
Many people lack the skills to express themsel...
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nonassertive, aggressive, and assertive behavior,
How Assertive Are You Now? If you cannot say no, you are not in charge of your own life. — Randy J. Paterson
characteristic style that leans heavily in one direction. You may discover your own weak spot and thereby begin the process of change.
Where I was born and where and how I have lived is unimportant. It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest. — Georgia O’Keeffe
started, here once again are those five dimensions of your life that relate to assertiveness: situations that come up; people in your life; your own attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, and needs; your behaviors; and obstacles to expressing yourself.
Refer back to this
Assertiveness Inventory. Which situations and people can you handle effectively and which are troublesome?
Write down the results in your journal. Pay particular attention to any patterns in your life.
Are you more assertive with strangers than with intimates, for example, ...
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Can you readily stand up for your rights but fall down on expressing affection? Do such factors as age, sex, or roles (for instance, authority...
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difficult to accurately measure attitudes and needs, and it is particularly difficult to b...
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feelings about your right to behave...
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Evaluating your behavior is not as difficult but may take longer.
several components of behavior that are part of any assertive act. If you watch your own behavior carefully for a time (a week or more is a good idea) and record your observations regularly in your journal,
models of assertiveness and to note in your journal some of their behavioral qualities as well.
Obstacles may be the easiest area for you to keep track of.
Most people want to act assertively, but there are many barriers that seem to m...
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Anxiety, fear of the possible consequences
Lack of skills (I don’t know how to meet girls. … How do I express a political opinion to my friends? … I never learned how to show affection.
Perhaps the most difficult external obstacles are the other people in your life. (Parents, friends, lovers, roommates, and others have an interest in making it difficult for you to change, even if they believe they want you to be more assertive.)
Record in your journal those obstacles that you think are making assertiveness more difficult for you.
you may choose whether to carry this personal growth program further and what direction you will take. And choice is what it’s all about anyway!
carefully examine your journal entries: situations, attitudes, obstacles, people, behaviors, and notes. Look for patterns. Remember to evaluate your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
first week or two of entries in your journal should give you a good picture of how you are doing now and provide a bas...
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Your journal might show you that you have difficulty with people in authority — that you don’t believe you have a right to speak up to them, that you can’t maintain good eye contact with them, and that you’re very anxious around such people. You can work on these items individually through the step-by-step procedures described in the chapters ahead.
Changing long-standing aggressive, nonassertive, or other behaviors is difficult. Your journal is a crucial asset in the process of change. As you become aware of your behavior patterns, you can begin to choose deliberately and act in ways that will move you toward your goals. As your initial awkward attempts at assertion
Start your journal today with notes about your reading thus far in the book. Keep using your journal throughout your reading of Your Perfect Right and beyond to keep a careful record of how you’re doing as you apply these concepts in your own life.
series of “benchmarks” so you can watch yourself grow. It will help motivate you to work at your progress. It will remind you how far you really have come — especially valuable at those times when you begin to think you aren’t getting anywhere! Reading your journal will reassure you that you are making progress, even if it is slow.
Your journal will help you to be more systematic about your work on assertiveness. And that c...
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Between people, as among nations, respect of each other’s rights insures the peace. — Benito Juárez
every individual has the same fundamental human rights as every other, regardless of gender, age, ethnicity, role, or title.
equality is fundamental to assertive living. We’d like to see all people exercise their rights without infringing on the rights of others.
Keeping a broad view of individual human rights can help us to counteract the forces that pit us against one another.
