Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships

by Robert Alberti

for interpersonal relationships. Limited in the past to only two options — the powerful, dominating aggressor or the wimp with sand in his face — most found neither to be particularly satisfying.

Assertiveness offered them an effective alternative, and a new

generation of men has rejected the aggressive, climbing, “success” stereotype in favor of a more ...

emerging definition looks remarkably like the assertive man we have been encouraging for decades: firm but not pushy, self-confident but not arrogant, self-assertive but committed to equality in relationships, open and direct but not dominant.

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admire those men who acknowledge to themselves and to one another (and to the women in their lives) their needs and desires, their strengths and their vulnerabilities,

their anxieties and their guilt, and the internal and external pressures ...

Family and friends are closer to and have greater respect for the man who is comfortable enough with himself that he needn’t put others down in order to put himself up. The

honesty of assertiveness is an incalculable asset in close personal relationships, and assertive men are coming to value such closeness right along with the traditional rewards of economic success.

The values of personal intimacy, family closeness, and trusted friendships — all fostered by assertiveness, openness, and honesty — are the lasting and important ones.

essence of our approach to assertiveness training has always been equality.

foster better communication between equals, not to help one to be superior to another or to step on others to get her way. Open and honest communication — mutual, cooperative, affirming — is the process that can achieve the desired outcome of equality: a place for everyone.

“understanding” people of other backgrounds has meant lumping cultural groups together and ignoring individuals. Such stereotyping creates barriers, it doesn’t erase them.

The catch is that it’s equally false — and dangerous — to assume that “people are people” and deep down we’re all alike as human beings, regardless of our groups. Culture, gender, and age are important, and to understand an individual requires that you acknowledge these vital characteristics — and treat her or him individually.

treat each person with respect

educate yourself about the backgrounds of people you encounter; and third, if something seems unusual in an individual’s style — standing too close, avoiding eye contact, being overly shy or pushy — check it out

each human being is unique, a complex blend of age, gender, genes, culture, beliefs, and personal life experiences.

sum, as you seek to understand people of other cultures or backgrounds, begin first with the individual

Don’t underestimate cultural or group-specific behavior or overestimate the universality of human behavior. When in doubt, show respect, ask questions, and listen, listen, listen.

Society Often Discourages Assertiveness

society’s rewards for appropriate assertive behavior are not universal.

individual, the right of self-expression without fear or guilt, the right to a dissenting opinion, and the unique contribution of each person all need greater recognition.

We can’t overemphasize the importance of the difference between appropriate assertion and the destructive aggression...

workplace itself often is no help. At work, employees usually assume that it’s best not to do or say anything that will rock the boat. The boss is in charge, and everyone else is expected to “go along” — even if they consider the expectations completely inappropriate.

assertiveness is not only compatible with the teachings of major religions, it frees you of self-defeating behavior, allowing you to be of greater service to others as well as to yourself.

Yet such institutions tend to dig in and resist violent change; they are most likely to respond favorably to persistent assertive action.

After all, each of us has the right to be and to express ourselves and our needs and to feel good (not powerless or guilty) about doing so, as long as we do not hurt others in the process.

What It Means to Be Assertive There are three possible broad approaches to the conduct of interpersonal relations. The first is to consider one’s self only and ride roughshod over others. … The second…is always to put others before one’s self. … The third approach is the golden mean. … The individual places himself first, but takes others into account. — Joseph Wolpe

go on.” Homer Fahrner’s admonition could be the mantra of this book: “Go on, go on, go on.” Persistence may just be the single most important thing you learn from this process. But wait! Yes,

persistence is important, and we encourage you to make it a part of your “assertiveness toolkit,” but it’s not all there is to being assertive.

Assertive self-expression is direct, firm, positive — and, when necessary, persistent — action intended to promote equality in person-to-person relationships. Assertiveness enables us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others, and to express our needs and feelings (affection, love, friendship, disappointment, annoyance, anger, regret, sorrow) honestly and comfortably.

To be direct, firm, positive, and persistent means to express your thoughts and feelings spontaneously, directly to the person(s) involved, firmly enough to make your point clear, and persistently enough

others recognize you’re serious about it. To promote equality in person-to-person relationships means to put both parties on an equal footing, to restore the balance of power by giving personal power to the “underdog,” to make it possible for everyone to gain and no one to lose.

To act in your own best interests refers to the ability to make your own decisions about career, relationships, lifestyle, and time schedule, to take initiative starting conversations and organizing activities, to trust your own judgment, to set goals and work to a...

To stand up for yourself includes such behaviors as saying no, setting limits on time and energy, responding to criticism or put-downs or anger, and expres...

exercise personal rights relates to competency ...

consumer, as a member of an organization or school or work group, and as a participant in public events to express opinions, to work for change, and to respond to viol...

not deny the rights of others is to accomplish the above personal expressions without unfair criticism of others, without hurtful behavior toward others, without name-calling, without intimidation,...

To express needs and feelings honestly and comfortably means to be able to disagree, to show anger, to show affection or friendship, to admit fear or anxiety, to express agreement or support, and to b...

Putting those elements of the definition back together, you can see that assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life. It contributes both to your personal life satisfa...

direct result of gains in self-expressiveness, individuals have improved their self-esteem, reduced their anxiety, overcome depression, gained greater respect from others, accomplished more in terms of their life goals, increased their level of self-understanding, a...

Conflict between what’s recommended and what’s rewarded is evident in many areas of life.

choose for yourself how to act. If your “polite restraint” response is too strong, you may be unable to express yourself as you would like. If your aggressive response is overdeveloped, you may achieve your goals by hurting others. Freedom of choice and self-control are possible when you develop assertive responses to situations you have previously handled nonassertively or aggressively.

aggressive behavior accomplishes goals at the expense of others. Although frequently self-enhancing and expressive of feelings in the situation, aggressive behavior hurts other people in the process by making choices for them and by minimizing their worth. Aggressive behavior commonly results in a put-down of the receiver. Rights denied, the receiver feels hurt, defensive, and humiliated.

Check out this chart

indirect aggression — to this model. They note that much aggressive behavior takes the form of passive, nonoppositional action.

and would usually achieve the goal. When you choose for yourself how to act, a good feeling typically accompanies the assertive response, even when you don’t achieve your goals.

we see a parallel pattern. Nonassertive behavior may produce sympathy, confusion, or outright contempt for the sender. Also, the receiver may feel guilt or anger at having achieved goals at the expense

of the sender. The receiver of aggressive actions often feels hurt, defensive, put down, or perhaps aggressive in return. In contrast, assertion tends to enhance the feeling of self-worth of both parties and permits both full self-expression and achievement of needs.

self-denial in nonassertive behavior hurts the sender; aggressive behavior may hurt the receiver (or even both parties). In the case of assertion, neither person is ...

Assertive behavior is a positive self-affirmation that also values the other people in your life.