Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships

by Robert Alberti

assertive behavior is person- and situation-specific, not universal.

What may be considered assertive depends upon the people involved and the circumstances of the situation.

Although we believe the definitions and examples presented in this book are realistic and appropriate for most people and circumstances, individual differences must be considered. Cultural or ethnic background, for instance, may create a different set of personal circumstances...

Assertiveness and Personal Boundaries

There’s lots of talk these days about “boundaries.”

Your sense of yourself provides the foundation for your creation of boundaries.

someone who has a strong self-concept would have solid boundaries:

strong self-concept will enable you to allow others to get close to you because you’re secure in yourself.

Personal insecurity — a weak self-concept — may lead you to keep others at a distance, lest their closeness become a threat.

relationship between personal boundaries and assertiveness is strong but ...

Assertive self-expression allows you to communicate your boundaries to others: “That’s as close as I’ll allow you to get to me.” “Don’t touch me.” “You’re in my space now; please back off.” But assertiveness is not all about setting limits or maintaining control in relationships. The equal-relationship assertiveness we urge is about closeness as well. We want you to be able ...

choice is the bottom line here. Our goal in facilitating your growth in assertive self-expression is to free you to make those choices: to be close when you want and to maintain distance when you prefer that; to nurture your ties with friends and loved ones and to set firm limits with those you don’t want close; to speak up when it’s necessary to defend your personal space and to reach out when you want to expand your personal space; and to recognize that the other person has rights too.

“Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”

Cultural Differences in Self-Assertion

desire for self-expression may be a basic human need, assertive behavior in interpersonal relationships is primarily characteristic of Western cultures.

“But Isn’t Aggression Just Human Nature?”

Classifying Behavior: “A Rose by Any Other Name…”

We’ve suggested that assertive and aggressive behavior differ principally in that the latter involves hurting, manipulating, or denying others in the course of expressing oneself.

intent must be considered. That is, if you intended to hurt your father-in-law, that’s aggressive; if you simply wanted to inform him of your wishes, you were acting assertively from the viewpoint of intent.

psychologists insist that behavior must be measurable accor...

sociocultural context must be taken into account in classifying behavior as assertive or aggressive or nonassertive. A culture that highly values honoring one’s elders may view the request as clearly out of line and aggressive, regardless of the behavior, response, or intent.

There are no absolutes in this area, and some criteria may be in conflict. A particular act may be at once assertive in behavior and intent (you wanted to and did express your feelings), aggressive in response (the other person could not handle your assertion), and nonassertive in the sociocultural context (your culture expects a powerful, put-down style). It’s not always easy to classify human behavior!

Each situation ultimately must be evaluated on its own. The labels “nonassertive,” “assertive,” and “aggressive” themselves carry no magic, but they may be useful in assessing the appropriateness of a particular action.

Bottom line: don’t sweat the labels. We want you to be able to choose for yourself how you will act and to know that you have the tools you need to succeed.

self-expression must be modulated by its context.

Once again, “Your right to swing your fist ends where my nose begins.”

perfect right you have to say no exists alongside the other person’s right to say yes.

your desire to accomplish your goals through self-assertion must be weighed against the n...

Speak out or write about any idea you choose to support, but recognize the other pers...

words and includes civil disobedience. Just as there are taxes for those who accumulate wealth, there is a price ...

you have a perfect right to maintain a viewpoint, everyone else has the same right — and your views may conflict. Keep this in mind on your journ...

conversation?” the CBS TV host asked our psychologist colleague and friend Bernardo Carducci. “Be nice,”

“Be nice.”

Standing up for yourself; speaking out to right wrongs; expressing your wishes, feelings, and opinions — those are the important skills we’ve emphasized and called “assertiveness.”

Maybe more “nice” is what’s needed these days. Consider:

Courtesy.

Thanks.

Thoughtfulness.

Honesty.

Balance.

Civility.

Reaching out.

Organizations, institutions, corporations, and even schools and colleges and hospitals often take advantage of people.

The people in them don’t matter; all that matters is

that the institution itself continues on its path without interference. Even volunteer groups in the community frequently are careless about how they treat those who give so much to make life better for all of us. As individuals, we don’t have to act like institutions. We can ...

We have emphasized the importance of individual self-expression, and we remain committed to the value of each individual human being.

appropriate assertiveness to be person- and situation-specific.

we must exercise our right to express them with greater caution.

“Is this a situation in which I want to be assertive?”

There is risk in living in the city — or in the country. There is risk in involving yourself in a relationship.