More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

And there doesn't even need to be any sort of threat for a relationship to be coercive. Sometimes internal feelings of guilt are sufficient. If you go into a relationship knowing the terms of engagement, and then those terms become hard for you to accept, it's easy to blame yourself: I knew what I was getting into! I agreed to this! I have nobody to blame but myself! Am I being a home-wrecker by not being able to make this work? Maybe I just need to force myself to be okay with how things are. I went into this with my eyes open, right?

When it's not okay to end a relationship, consent has left the building.

That said, many solo poly people and relationship anarchists do prefer to have much more fluid, undefined relationships that slip between friendship and romance. If this is the case for you, then clarity and "define that relationship" conversations may be much less important for you and your partners. Hopefully, however, you will have had early conversations with them about how the sort of fluidity you prefer in your relationships works for you—and can work for them.

In monogamous culture, the idea of ending a romance and becoming "just friends" is often treated as a joke. In the poly world, it's often entirely real. It's common for poly folks to be friends with their exes pretty much for life. But resuming contact may take a while; breakups are painful and raw, and a cooling-off period of no contact is often advisable, possibly for months or years. But time mellows all things, and poly exes often eventually find that they can build a lasting friendship.

No one's family is normal. Normalcy is a lie invented by advertising agencies to make the rest of us feel inferior. claire lazebnik

Another of polyamory's invented words is compersion. This refers to the happy feeling many people experience in seeing their partners take joy from another relationship. Some people use the word frubbly to describe this feeling (as a noun: frubble). Different people experience it differently: for some it's just a warm glow, while for others, it can be almost as euphoric as being in love. And some people don't experience it at all.

I remember the first time I felt compersion. Peter had just been to visit Clio, about three months into their relationship, and she posted a picture on her blog of the two of them. He had an incredibly serene, blissful smile on his face. It was the first time in years I could remember seeing him so happy. I felt a rush that was nearly euphoric—it took me quite by surprise.

It's easier to sit and steam about someone else than to risk the vulnerability of a frank discussion with an intimate partner about our unmet needs.

Does this person have wisdom I find attractive? Has she done something that shows me she is likely, when faced with a difficult decision, to choose the path of greatest courage? Has she done something that shows me that, when faced by a personal fear or insecurity, she is dedicated to dealing with it with grace, and to investing in the effort it takes to confront, understand and grow beyond it? Does she show intellectual curiosity, intellectual rigor and intellectual growth? Has she dealt with past relationships, including relationships that have failed, with dignity and compassion? Is she a joyful person? Does she value personal happiness? Does she make me feel joy? Does she seem to have a continuing commitment to understanding herself? Does she value self-determinism? Does she approach things with energy and enthusiasm? Does she engage the world? Does she demonstrate personal integrity? Is she open, honest, enthusiastic and exploratory about sex? Does she communicate openly, even when it's uncomfortable to do so?

Am I excited by the prospect of being with this person? Is he a "Fuck yes!"? Does this person have relationship values similar to mine? Do I understand and agree to any rules that will apply to my relationship? Am I being asked to give up anything to be in this relationship? If so, do I feel that what I will get in return is worth the price? Is this person available to give me what I think I want in the relationship—in terms of time, emotional intimacy, and freedom for the relationship to grow? Is there anything about this person I'm hoping will change? Does this person help me be the best version of myself?

How do you feel about polyamory? Do you have experience with poly relationships, and what does that look like for you? What are your goals in a poly relationship? What restrictions, if any, do you (or your partners) put on other partners? Will I be expected to have a particular kind of relationship with your other partners? What does polyamory mean to you? Do you have any expectations about the role I will be expected to play in your life?

it will leave me free to love all of you, and the other friends and lovers that will come into your lives, respect the choices you have made, and be proud of your courage, independence, and ability to love in ways for which you will find very little support and much discouragement. Anyway, that's my hope. I'm entirely supportive of the way you have determined to live your lives and delighted that my daughter has two such wonderful men in her life.

Be flexible. Be compassionate. Rules can never cure insecurity. Integrity matters. Never try to script what your relationships will look like. Love is abundant. Compatibility matters. You cannot sacrifice your happiness for that of another. Own your own shit. Admit when you fuck up. Forgive when others fuck up. Don't try to find people to stuff into the empty spaces in your life; instead, make spaces for the people in your life. If you need a relationship to complete you, get a dog. It is almost impossible to be loving or compassionate when all you feel is fear of loss. Trust that your partners want to be with you, and that if given the freedom to do anything they please, they will choose to cherish and support you. Most relationship problems can be avoided by good partner selection. Nobody can give you security or self-esteem; you have to build that yourself.

relationship anarchy (RA). A philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, spontaneity and freedom are valued, no relationship is entered into or restricted from a sense of duty or obligation, and any relationship choice is considered allowable. Relationship anarchists often do not make a clear distinction between "partner" and "non-partner."

A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex: Reclaim Your Desire and Reignite Your Relationship, Laurie B. Mintz (Adams Media, 2009). A book aimed at heterosexual women with the goal of rekindling desire in long-term relationships, with success that has been supported by peer-reviewed research.

Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines for Responsible Open Relationships, Wendy-O Matik (Defiant Times Press, 2002). A tiny manifesto on abandoning the relationship escalator and creating intentional, ethically non-monogamous relationships.