More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (More Than Two Essentials)

by Franklin Veaux

Reassure your partner. A lot. Talk about the things you value in him and the ways you love him. (And, really, do this even when your partners aren't in crisis. There's never a bad time to remind them how much you cherish them.) When you're done, reassure him some more. Accept that he is feeling what he's feeling, even though it's inconvenient.

Remember, you are your partners' advocates. This doesn't go just one way. You have a right, and a responsibility, to advocate for all your relationships. It's not okay to damage one relationship or hurt one person to try to help another.

trying to make compromises to accommodate a jealous partner can actually make the jealousy worse. For example, if your partner is afraid of abandonment, and demands that you never spend the night at another partner's house, maybe what he needs to get past the fear is to see that you can spend a night away from home and you'll still come back to him.

If, in your estimation, some accommodation your jealous partner is asking for seems reasonable, then say so. If it doesn't seem reasonable, then say so too. If he asks for something that would damage your other relationships, decline. You may have to make a decision someone doesn't like, but that's better than being tossed around on the rocks indefinitely.

When my partners have competing desires, how well do I express what I need? Do I make sure my own desires aren't lost in the shuffle? Do I take responsibility for my choices, or do I expect my partners to make them for me? What does "fairness" mean to me? How does this affect the way I make choices and interact with my partners? What do I value most in each of my relationships? Do I prefer to spend time with my partners separately or together? How do they feel about that? Do I respect their other time commitments? What boundaries do I set for myself in relation to each of my partners? What accommodations do I make if one of my partners experiences jealousy? Do my accommodations improve my relationships or create other problems? Do I support my partners' relationships with one another in ways that respect their agency and right to choose their level of intimacy? How can I help support a partner who is feeling jealous or passed over? How do I handle my own feelings of jealousy?

Talk to your partner about how you came to this idea. More importantly, talk about why. Talk about what interests you and what you find appealing about it. Be direct and honest, but also compassionate. If your partner has fears, listen to them. Talk about your own fears. And then listen some more. If a poly relationship is to be healthy and successful, it has to work for everyone. That means your partner can't just do it for your sake; it has to work for her too. Going into polyamory when it isn't a good fit for you, just because your partner wants it, means there's tension baked in from the start, and in our experience that inevitably causes problems down the road.

you feel you have no choice but to agree, and people who don't have a choice cannot give meaningful consent.

Some people are happiest in monogamy, and that's okay. If your partner is monogamous, that isn't a rejection of you, and it doesn't mean your partner is unevolved or unenlightened. It may, however, mean you have to make a choice: how important is polyamory to you? Can you be happy if your partner wants you to remain monogamous for life? If not, you may be faced with ending the relationship.

Polyamory isn't a privilege your partner extends to you. If you start from the premise that you don't actually have any right to be polyamorous, that your partner is doing you a favor by permitting you to "get away with" having other lovers, you can end up believing that you should accept whatever conditions your partner may impose, even if they mean anyone you start a relationship with will be treated badly.

And if, as with Eve and Peter, monogamy itself is the problem with your relationship—if you are compatible partners but are chafing at trying to squeeze yourself into a monogamous mold—then polyamory might help.

What assumptions do I have about what my relationships "should" look like? How are these assumptions influenced by the cultural narratives about monogamy, and how much are they truly mine? What parts of my relationships are most important? How can I preserve those elements while knowing that my relationships will change over time? What guarantees do I want from my relationships? Are they realistic? How much space do I have to devote to new relationships right now? As I seek new relationships, what guarantees can I offer my new partners that I will make space for them, listen to their needs, and be able to change to accommodate these new relationships? Where does my sense of security come from in my relationships? What am I willing to do to help my partners feel secure, and will those things come at a cost to any new relationships I may start?

Surely the most ubiquitous misunderstanding of love is "love hurts." Loving never hurts—it's wanting others to be different from how they are, and not getting what you want, that we find so painful. christopher wallis

A good mono/poly relationship is possible. We have both seen examples of successful, happy relationships between a monogamous and a polyamorous person. But getting there is hard. In fact, it is among the most difficult poly structures to navigate in a way that promotes and respects the happiness of everyone involved.

"Dismissing people's stated definitions of their sexuality as something you can make them change is not love."

That's all well and good when both start the relationship understanding who the other is. It's harder when they both planned on a monogamous relationship and then one of them realizes his or her true poly nature or beliefs. In this case, giving up monogamy is a scarier step. The monogamous person may feel deep loss: the relationship doesn't look the way he wants or the way other relationships look. It can feel like the polyamorous person is always getting what she wants—other lovers, other intimate companions. The monogamous person can feel like he's losing time, attention and focus—and sometimes this may be absolutely true.

The poly person may feel that she is not permitted to follow her heart. She may feel controlled. She may feel that her partner doesn't really understand or accept her, and that she is being forced to live out a dream deferred.

A monogamous partner may see polyamory as a problem to be managed, rather than a source of joy for a loved one. She may find it difficult to recognize that polyamory isn't a flaw or a failing; it's a different way of seeing relationships, and a positive one at that.

Some of the assumptions Franklin has experienced firsthand from his monogamous partners include ideas like "If you truly love me, I should be enough for you" and "If I am not enough for you, something is wrong with me." This would come up most often in the earliest stages of a new connection. Often Celeste would respond to a new flirtation by asking, "Why aren't the partners you have enough?" or "What's missing from your life that you need to go out and look for something more?"

These are difficult questions to answer, because to a poly person they come from assumptions that don't make sense. Answers such as "It isn't about being 'enough.' Even if I were with partners who were perfect in every way, I'd still be open to new connections," or "Nothing is missing from my life. Relationships aren't about filling in missing spaces"—these were never very satisfying to Celeste.

One of the most difficult hurdles to overcome can be the assumption that a person is polyamorous because something is missing. Sometimes polyamory does offer an opportunity to satisfy an unmet need; we've both met poly people who are interested in BDSM but have a partner who isn't, or who have an asexual partner. But even in those situations, polyamory isn't a re...

Polyamory can even be a benefit to the monogamous partner. We've both met people who feel guilty over not being able to pro...

When Franklin was married to Celeste, he started a relationship with Elaine, who also self-identified as monogamous.* She did not feel threatened by Franklin's two existing partners. Because they predated his relationship with her, it seemed obvious that their existence wasn't a reflection on her worth. However, a year later, when someone else expressed an interest in Franklin, Elaine became very upset and asked, "Why am I not enough? What am I lacking that makes you need to start dating someone else?"

From the perspective of a monogamous person, polyamory may look like a license to behave indiscriminately. It can be difficult to shake the notion that commitment and exclusivity are the same thing. This can lead to thoughts that a polyamorous person can't or won't commit, and therefore must be unreliable or wildly promiscuous. Nor is polyamory (necessarily) about a need for sexual variety. Franklin once had a discussion with a monogamous person who asked, "If my partner is polyamorous, can't he be satisfied if we role-play different characters in bed?" Polyamory might look like a need for sexual variety, but a better way to think about it is in terms of openness to deep personal connection, not too different from the way most people are open to making new friends.

Trusting in your partner's enthusiastic willingness to take care of you, and your partner demonstrating that this trust is well placed, solves many problems in poly relationships. But this can be tricky in mono/poly relationships, because it's hard to trust someone whose motivations you don't fully understand. When someone's motivations don't make sense to you, you will find it difficult to predict what choices they might make.

Mono/poly relationships require special commitment to trust and communication. Being willing to take a leap of faith that your partner is dedicated to your relationship, even if you don't understand your partner's motivations, becomes especially important.

Finally, for the monogamous person, trust in yourself—in your self-efficacy—is as important as trust in your partner. Mila found that sticking with it and getting through those early struggles gave her confidence that she could get through future struggles.

Your partner is poly because he is poly. There is nothing wrong with you. No matter who you are, no matter what you could be or do, he would still be poly. If you have a child and you decide to add another, it probably isn't because there's something wrong with the first child. It's about bringing more love and intimacy into your life. Polyamory is the same.

There's nothing wrong with being who you are. And there's nothing wrong with your partner for being poly. It isn't a moral failing. It isn't because poly people can't commit. That's important to keep in mind. Suggesting that polyamory is a problem or that there's something wrong with your partner is unlikely to make your relationship better.

As we like to emphasize, people are not interchangeable. It may seem that if your partner has another lover who is similar to you, or likes the same things you do, then she doesn't need you anymore. But remember, she's non-monogamous and doesn't think that way. She loves you for who you are. Doing something with you is an entirely different experience from doing the same thing with someone else. And if your partner has a lover who's very different from you, it's not a covert way of saying that the different things about you aren't good, wonderful or valuable, or that she wants you to be like someone else.

When your partner is affectionate with someone else, understand that it's not about you. Speak up and ask for support.

You're asking your partner to believe, in the face of overwhelming social messages to the contrary, that you're not looking to replace him; that the reason you're open to other partners is not because there's something wrong with him; that you're not asking for permission to cheat; and that you don't have one foot out the door. That's a lot to deal with. You're asking your partner to accept that having other lovers isn't just a way for you to move from one relationship to the next. Make sure that's true. Make sure you are worthy of that trust.

When negotiating a mono/poly relationship, ask yourself, "What are the essential things I must have? At what point will my needs no longer be met? What are my values? What must I have in order to act with integrity?" Don't compromise on those. If you negotiate away your integrity, ethics or agency, you are no longer a full and equal participant in the relationship.

Because neither of us believed we had a choice, we were both held hostage to our feelings. We didn't think leaving the relationship was possible, and we didn't have good tools to deal with the differences in what we wanted. As a result, Celeste felt that polyamory was being inflicted on her without her consent, and I felt that she couldn't really understand me.

And remember that no matter how much you love each other, you are not obligated to be in a relationship with each other. You have a choice. If it doesn't work, if one of you is hurting too much, it's okay to let it go. The fairy tale is wrong: True love really doesn't conquer all, all the time.

Why do I identify as monogamous? Is it because I only want one partner for myself, or because I want my partner to be only with me, or both? Do I enjoy time to myself or without my partner? Do I have hobbies I enjoy alone or with others, and a social life that does not rely on my partner? Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner's loyalty, and to put in the work required to overcome them? If you are the poly partner: Am I prepared to give my monogamous partner time and space to process his feelings about my polyamory? Am I prepared to make concessions in my relationship to help the monogamous person work through his feelings? Are there limits on the concessions I will make, either in terms of what I will agree to or the time span of the agreement? For both partners: Do I fully understand my partner's choice to be monogamous or polyamorous, and am I able to accept my partner for who she is? Can I build a relationship that respects the agency not only of each of us, but of others who are involved as well?

If you have a partner who has, or is considering, another lover, do you want to know what sexual activities might happen, or is that something you don't care about? When do you want to know that someone may become a new sexual partner? Some people like to be informed well in advance. For other people, if they're told sex might be a possibility during an upcoming date, that's enough.

Not desiring sex does not mean being frigid, cold or distant. Nonsexual relationships can be physically affectionate and warm. Romantic relationships without sex are not "merely" friendships. They can and do include passionate emotional intimacy, living together, shared goals and dreams, and lifelong plans.

"What if my partner finds someone who she's hotter for than boring old me? How can I compete with all the frantic sex of a new relationship?" The answer is, you probably can't. This is normal, and it's not about you.

How do I define "sex"? What activities are sex? What aren't? Is sex a mandatory part of an intimate relationship for me? Would I consider a relationship with someone uninterested in sex or stay in a relationship with someone who loses interest in sex with me? Does unbarriered sex carry emotional significance to me? How do I feel about having unbarriered sex with someone who is having unbarriered sex with someone else? How do I feel about group sex and sexual exhibitionism? How do I feel about sex outside a romantic relationship? What happens if I or a partner of mine has an unexpected pregnancy?

We've heard people say "So-and-so can't be trusted, because she does things that I think are risky." It's fine to choose not to be sexually involved with someone whose risk threshold is higher than yours, but that doesn't make such a person untrustworthy, reckless or foolish. The degree of risk we're talking about here is relatively small even for someone who has comparatively relaxed boundaries.

we can become so accustomed to a status quo that it slowly morphs into an entitlement. When this happens in polyamory, the disruption and resource reallocation that a new relationship brings can erupt into anger and conflict if an established partner feels something that is hers is being taken away. Entitlement to another's time is the most obvious sort of entitlement creep.

One of the advantages of polyamory we've talked about is not being dependent on one person to meet your sexual needs. In monogamous relationships, mismatched sexual desire is very common and can become an enormous source of stress; in polyamorous relationships, there's at least the option for a person with the high libido to seek multiple lovers and for the other to have some guilt-free peace.

Laurie B. Mintz's book A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex has been found in a peer-reviewed study to help improve the sexual connection in long-term relationships.

sometimes we meet a new person who highlights the flaws in an existing relationship and teaches us that there's truly a better way to live. Or maybe your existing relationship was just fine, but the new partner may show you new things, make you happier, help you realize you can have something you never thought possible, help you see the world in a different light. They may lead you to want more, or they may help you to be more. After that you can't quite go home again.

Bar-raisers show us that things we had taken for granted aren't necessarily true. In doing that, they show us paths to happiness we didn't know existed. Suddenly, things we had always accepted don't look so acceptable anymore.

Do the choices I make take me closer to, or further from, the best version of me? When I am faced with conflict, how do I seek to act with courage? Are there things I absolutely require in a relationship, and do I communicate those things? In what ways do I care for myself? How do I care for the people around me? Can I respond to changes in my relationship with grace? Do I have problems that make it difficult for my partners to be with me? How do I seek to mitigate those? Do I let problems in the relationships around me affect me? How do I assert boundaries around problems that aren't mine?

If you fear change, if you cling too tightly to what your relationship is now and insist that this is the way it must always be, you risk breaking it. Yes, sometimes relationships change in ways we do not want, and people grow in ways that take them apart rather than bring them together. That's the risk you accept when you get involved in this messy, complicated business of romantic relationships.

Allowing change with grace, without expecting to control how the change happens, is a key skill we have seen in people who create strong, resilient poly relationships. Be clear on what your relationship needs are, be willing to advocate for them, and accept that things are going to change. That way you'll be ready.

Think of the accusation "I don't even know you anymore!" We act as though the ones we love should not be allowed to grow and change or, if they do, it means they love us less.

Attempts to engineer an outcome are almost always thickly sown with the seeds of coercion. If there is only one form a relationship can take, the foundation is laid: play your assigned role or lose my affection. Any situation which dictates in advance how the relationship will develop disempowers the people in it, and disempowerment tends to turn coercive.