The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

I’m looking for validation, not resolution or growth. I want my rescuer to say, “Wow! You’re right! What a jerk he (you) was!”

If I’m mad at you or hurt by you or disagree with you, I (and you) really need me to talk directly to you to resolve it.

Moreover, because A skipped the direct process, he now feels absolutely zero inclination or motivation to look at his part in the conflict or to ask how he might also be wrong or maybe could do better.

has “rescued” him from having to consider that possibility by endorsing A’s version of what happened and making him feel better.

Divisiveness is one of the most destructive forces in teams, companies, families, marriages, friendships, and any other relational systems.

The spouse who feels victimized in the marriage finds an agreeable rescuing ear at the office, gym, or bar. Suddenly he or she feels listened to and understood, validated by this new person, and that just causes even more conflict and division. It happens all the time.

a person of faith, I’m often reminded of a certain stern passage in the New Testament (Titus 3:10–11). For a long time, I didn’t understand what it really meant. On the face of it, it sounds so harsh.

“If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them. For people like that have turned away from the truth, and their own sins condemn them.”

divisive people cause more harm than whatever the good things they bring are worth.

The real issue is that people who habitually do this are not willing to look at themselves and try to resolve things. Instead, they prefer to get people to side with them and agree with them rather than create unity and resolution.

This is it. This is the scenario described where ppl don’t want to fix themselves. They are divisive because they take their complaints to a rescuer rather than the person about whom they are complaining. Or in some cases they take the complaint to no one and internalize a lot of bad feelings.

Sometimes C can help you gain insight or soothe your hurt so that you can deal with it better. That’s not gossip, nor is it divisive if it’s done in the spirit of trying to heal or find resolution.

Do not listen and enable someone to just unload on you and get sympathy.

other people have power in one’s life that greatly influences one’s performance.

that power can be positive or negative in its influence.

we can’t get to the next level without opening ourselves up to the positive p...

we must be vulnerable a...

there are certain components that Corner Four relationships provide—fuel, self-control, responsibility and ownership, a realistic positivity about failure, stretch...

As I’ve argued throughout this book, you really can’t get the one, sustained high performance, without the other—deep, connected relationships.

And, before you invest your trust in someone else, ask yourself if you feel that they are listening and truly understand where you’re coming from. I will rarely invest in or with someone who can’t listen.

I’m talking about other character traits beyond honesty and ethics: Optimist or pessimist? Proactive or passive?

The higher you go in organizations, the more important questions of character and emotional intelligence become.