The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

Basically this: they are fueled by the possibility of better instead of defeated by it.

Research confirms that it is “otherpower,” if you will, that helps us to experience failure as a means for improvement, as an opportunity for better.

but it does try to root out negative attitudes and counterproductive structures and behaviors.

Healthy cultures need to make it safe for people, but they also need to make sure people don’t get too comfortable.

How did he create this kind of relational safety? First, he focused on creating a peer-to-peer culture with no bosses.

As the neuroscience research shows, we cannot absorb feedback when we’re caught in the fangs of fear and failure.

Some people have spent their whole lives submerged in Corner Three flattery.

Another Pixar standard is peer-based collaboration. Said another way, ideas have no rank or position.

We commit to not leaving important things unsaid,

Even if you’re not being attacked by faceless enemies, your own clumsy efforts bring you back to zero. You’re no longer getting attacked, but you haven’t gotten better, either.

Basically, the law states that in any system, there is a limited amount of energy, and over time this energy becomes less useful and more chaotic.

there are two ingredients essential for breaking out of the cycle of decline: new sources of energy and intelligence.

In personal relationships, these new sources of energy and intelligence might come from a therapist, a wise friend, a coach, a pastor, or a support group.

What should you look for in a Corner Four relationship that will help you surpass current, known limits?

Frequently, we don’t have a clue about the abilities and assets we possess.

The best leaders, coaches, and friends do both of those things. They push you past where you have been or thought you could go, but not so far that you can’t recover. They stretch but don’t injure.

On the other hand, if you are not challenged enough, you risk falling into what Csikszentmihalyi calls the boredom quadrant.

It is due to lack of engagement that many relationships fail;

Nothing to “chew on”

This is why the healthiest kids come from environments that do two things: encourage them with warmth and give them high expectations.

Important!!

Give the brain a specific, but BIG problem to solve,

We know, for instance, that the goals we set for ourselves and others must be challenging enough to activate our energy and our brains, but they also must be realistic and achievable.

Blind positive thinking, the research shows us, does not work, because when obliviously positive thinkers encounter difficulties, they get discouraged and bottom out.

They will be there to cheer us on, but they will also be there to talk us through difficult patches.

I owe 99 percent of the success to my Corner Four relationships, which have literally made it happen. (I just did what they told me.)

But I was way too disorganized in those years to ever write a book. Way.

That’s the thing about Corner Four. It tends to get passed on.

fuel from an outside source in the form of inspiration, encouragement, structure, and process;

What makes Corner Four relationships so powerful is that they don’t end even after they end. The lessons we learn, the phrases that motivate us, are ours to keep forever.

Halvorson also describes interesting research showing that for “rebellious” persons, a subliminal reminder of an achievement-loving dad triggers less effort and worse performance!

If you truly want to get beyond a current limit, your most important task is to run to Corner Four and get the right voices in your head.

Bingo! I thought. That’s exactly the task at hand for leaders, parents, and others in supportive roles. How do we ensure that our lessons, experiences, and values get passed along without our having to be there each and every moment? That’s the magic of internalization.

I said it was important for my daughter to internalize the values of a father who loves her and wants the best for her.

Perhaps this is one reason why it’s important to verbalize things repeatedly. Maybe it helps others internalize more quickly.

One of the most important tasks I work on with high-level executives who just can’t let go of certain things is to turn what they know into a process, a repeatable formula or system that they can teach and coach others to use.

It always surprises people how much they can actually let go of if they know how to get it out of their own heads and into the heads of other people.

Fortunately, neuroscience research shows that we can rewire our brains—literally.

None of these slogans recognizes the power of the “R-word”: relationship.

When your car is out of gas, you have to visit a gas station. You can’t just talk yourself into having more fuel.

So hear me here. I’m saying that the capacity to build deep connections comes first of all from outside ourselves;

We learn to think differently and to think about our thinking by having someone observe us and get us to observe ourselves.

The word compete comes from the Late Latin verb competere, “to seek together.” It is the “together” aspect that drives us. I love that! As he points out in Flow

but simply to fuel us for the intrinsic value competition has for our highest purposes. It is seeking your real, authentic, and intrinsic best in the context of others.

In other words, independent study is possible only when you’ve developed the capacity for self-learning,

Whatever you are building, you have to add an external support to help set the internal structure.

We have to think about how long it will take, how to measure progress, and how many encounters are required to hit important milestones along the path.

It’s a synonym for the right dosage, which is the number that’s not working plus one.

It needs to be often enough to help positive patterns form but not so often that the walls of the new internal structure don’t have enough time to solidify.

If you’re trying to grow something new in your head, in a business, or in a relationship, existing patterns in your internal wiring will continue to dominate until there are new ones.

If it doesn’t, then you have the wrong medicine (activities),

I keep seeing this over and over again, concrete activities that meet some abstract end.

It’s a matter of doing the right activities in the time allotted.

I’m not talking to the rescuer for legitimate feedback about our conflict and for help resolving it. That would be a good motivation, but instead, I’m talking to the rescuer just to get validation that I’m right and you’re wrong.