The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

Our focus here will be on how and why some people are able to surpass limits.

We lost Mark in the Iraq war. He died a hero’s death, doing exactly what he loved: using his skills, with his team of comrades, to fight for our country and deliver people to safety who had been captured by terrorists. It was a beyond-devastating blow

But however we explain these mechanisms, the neglected truth is that the invisible attributes of relationship, the connection between people, have real, tangible, and measurable power.

For example, research shows over and over again that people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system.

I want to shift the conversation from a focus only on you (i.e., here is how you can develop yourself) to a recognition that your own performance is either improved or diminished by the other people in your scenario.

You don’t have a choice about whether or not others have power in your life. They do. But you do have a choice as to what kind of power others are going to have.

Here, at last, I would learn that esoteric kernel of wisdom that I had been seeking all of this time.

The three elements that form the triangle of well-being work together to build, drive, create, and regulate our functioning and performance. What are the three? They are our brain/body (the physical), our relational connections, and our minds, which regulate the energy and information needed to live and perform.

By relationship we are talking not just about hanging out with your pals in a fraternity house. We are talking about specific qualitative relational connectedness.

Moreover, it is in relationships that our minds are actually built.

If they are not quality connections, they either cause nothing to happen when something should be happening, or bad things to be built into us when they shouldn’t be—“bugs,”

To get to the next level of performance, you certainly do have to think differently, but to think differently, you have to have a different mind, and your brain has to fire differently. To develop these differences in your mind and brain, the equipment in which thoughts and feelings and behaviors are embodied, you need to connect in ways that rewire you.

Imagine not trying to control your reactions or feelings of stress, but actually not reacting, actually not feeling stressed by what stresses you now.

If you are trying to change a behavior, do you set out a target for change, and begin to try to live up to that target? Or do you seek coaching and support that will help you get there?

We are either thriving in relational energy and growth or we are going backward, slowly or quickly.

As long as you are alive, your heart and mind and soul will be searching for a connection.

“I never realized that the main problem was not his decisions or the strategy he wanted to pursue, but the fact that he was so disconnected—from the board, his own team, and really the organization. His decisions were coming out of his disconnectedness.”

A cell phone may look as though it’s working . . . for a while. It can compute things, run programs, and maintain basic functioning, but if it doesn’t find a connection—and the right one and soon—it won’t be of much use.

I like this metaphor comparing human connectedness with a cell phone that’s not connected to a network.

They are asking something much more profound: “Where are you. . . . the real you? Your heart, mind, and soul? The internal you?” They are asking “How are you doing? How is your existence?”

so the next time someone asks, “Where are you?” give it more serious thought.

Kind of like ‘how are you?’ There’s the canned exchange, and there’s the rest of it, ‘how are you in your headspace’. Although most people aren’t asking about that last part.

No matter what life circumstances you are going through on the outside—victory or defeat, or somewhere in between—there are only four possibilities of connection

The key is to get out of any of the other three and into the only one that works.

Corner One. Sometimes a person can be extroverted, even always around others, but still be disconnected.

The healthiest and most talented people usually leave to work at places where they’ll feel more valued, where they can be part of something with a soul.

Sometimes disconnected leaders allow one or two people into their worlds, but usually only to act as human shields, allowing the Corner One leader to stay in a bubble.

And although you care about others and give to them, you are disconnected from your own needs. You are giving—sometimes a lot—but you are not taking much in. It’s easy for you to help others but difficult for you to allow them to help you, especially emotionally.

Question Two: Do you have anyone or any group of people who is totally committed to your growth and well-being as a leader? The very role of that relationship is just to develop and help you?

This is interesting when phrased this way. Seems obvious that spouses won’t be in the position to meet this need.

Lots of people in Corner One seem to be people persons, constantly helping others. It does mean that it’s all coming from you.

Instead, it is a connection, preoccupation, or pull toward a person who has the effect of making you feel bad or “not good enough” in some way.

True performance is an expression, not a request to be liked or praised.

Food, sex, drugs, . . . a new Ferrari. It’s all an attempt to soothe the soul. The problem is that painkillers do not really cure the disease. They just ease the pain, temporarily and superficially making one feel better.

There are many things that fit in this category

The same is true with relationships. They are as essential as oxygen, water, and food, yet we often avoid taking them in, let alone asking for the critical fuel that relationships provide.

Psychologists call this the “need-fear” dilemma. We fear the vulnerability that it takes to embrace our needs, so they go unmet.

We try to manage this need in other ways, hanging out in the first three corners, which bring no good outcomes and just reinforce limits.

In the simplest terms, a real connection is one in which you can be your whole self, the real, authentic you, a relationship to which you can bring your heart, mind, soul, and passion. Both parties to the relationship are wholly present, known, understood, and mutually invested. What each truly thinks, feels, believes, fears, and needs can be shared safely.

The true self is who you really are, and the false self is the mask that we put on to protect ourselves.

leaders need a safe place to nurse their wounds, to be restored, and to let down their guard and be real.

Everyone needs a buddy; we all need to be able to express our needs and know that they will be heard and met, that we will be relieved.

He went on to enumerate times over the years when his group has helped him solve business problems, relationship problems, personal issues, and has been the band of buddies that got him through the hardest times of his professional and personal life.

I wonder if there is something to ppl knowing you in different contexts, like work and personal.

“The changes you’re making are all going to make the disease worse, not better. You’re adding more and more to the problem, not fixing it.”

“Every strategy you’re using involves more output from you. More giving. More discipline. More obedience to what is right. More effort. More service and sacrifice. This whole thing depends on you, and it’s not going to work.”

You have been acting out of your needs, your weaknesses, and your vulnerabilities. And you still have those needs, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities.

bringing fulfillment to those needs, strength to those weaknesses, and help to the places in your soul where you feel vulnerable.”

I doubt that we’d find many instances of Liam’s vulnerability and depending on others for strength, encouragement, or support.

I guess that’s true. Sometime all someone needs to hear is encouragement.

I pointed out that real encouragement comes when you are feeling discouraged, weak, or down, and need help from someone else.

“A lot of people have gone further than they thought they could because someone else thought they could.”

Every great leader has opened up to someone who could meet a need, whatever that might have been.

This is also basic story structure when a mentor or ally comes along.

Trying to think of ways to get someone to see their need for help is not something I want to do anymore.

Relationship, the connection between people, not only enhances our mental functioning, but actually works to impart it, to provide it. Capacity is built through energy and intelligence.

If we’re not getting it or not performing in some way, our Corner Four people sometimes have to wake us up and be pretty tough.