The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

After all, who knows what the real human limits are?

Our focus here will be on how and why some people are able to surpass limits.

this is the issue we address, in one of two forms.

The firs...

known limit my clients are experiencing: a pattern, an obstacle, a leadership dilemma or challenge, a conflict with a person, a weakness, or problem—something that they know is getting in the way, blocking their desired future, their business, or even threatening their lives. Something is limiting them . . . even if they don’t know exactly

First

The second form doesn’t involve a known problem or issue at all. There is just the desire to get

or do more: more potential, more profits, more horsepower, more fun, more meaning, m...

Second

In either case, you want to surpass your current limit, your current reality. How that is actually done is the subject

how we become better, how we become more.

And here’s the good news: it’s not a mystery. We know how it happens. Better yet, you can learn

wow

When members of the U.S. Navy become Navy SEALs,

navy seals

I know of how human limits, when encountered, are surpassed. It was relayed by one of Mark’s SEAL team members in the days after his death.

That was where Bryce found himself at that moment, beginning to sink in the cold water, totally

the wall

What must it have felt like, to have gone through everything he had

That is the “power of the other.”

How can something as immaterial, invisible, and mystical as an emotional connection with a buddy have what amounts to a material, measureable, and physical effect like fueling a body across space and physical boundaries? It’s very elusive.

begins at birth. Did you know that even if you feed babies but deprive them of meaningful relational connections, an attachment or bond, they will not grow as they should?

Begins at birth

Indeed, children who’ve experienced these deprivations often have smaller brains, too. That’s why we see

And the reason they have those limits is the lack of relationship, of human connection.

Relationship affects our physical and mental functioning throughout

fatima

For example, research shows over and over again that people trying to reach goals succeed at a much greater rate if they are connected to a strong human support system.

key

Other research has shown that people who tap into the power of the other have stronger immune systems, tend to get sick less frequently, and recover faster when they do. Even if

key

Relationship affects life and performance, period.

about you.

We must strive to become better versions of ourselves in order to do better and be more than we are.

But there is something missing from that menu: reality.

What is missing from development formula

there was someone on the other end who made it possible.

Key

Your best and worst seasons were also about who was in that season with you.

that your own performance is either improved or diminished by the other people in your scenario. They hold power.

Key

The

you do and how you do it, your skills and competencies, but also on who

key

True

How many times have you seen or experienced the power that a boss has—either to help you or to stifle or wreck your vision? A direct report, a coworker, a partner, a fellow board member can help you or hinder you. How many times have you seen the power of others get in the

Those who kill your dreams

You can’t master people, but you can become a master at choosing and dealing with people.

research results were actually 100 percent true. And 100 percent

Science confirms that getting to the next level is 100 percent dependent on relationship. But . . . the relationship must be the right kind of relationship, more than just hanging out with pals. The relationship must provide very specific functions and very specific energy; it must deliver very specific constructive experiences

science

The clinical arena: how we feel, think, and behave; The relational arena: how we relate to others; and The performance

The three elements that form the triangle of well-being work together to build, drive, create, and regulate our functioning and performance. What are the three? They are our brain/body (the physical), our relational connections, and our minds, which regulate the energy and information needed to live and perform.

elements: our physical makeup, our relationships, and our minds.

read

sharing in ‘relationships,’ embodied mechanism in ‘brain,’ and regulation in ‘mind.’”

When we strengthen each side of the triangle, our well-being increases.

Well-being depends on being in relationships, but clearly in very specific ways, imparting very specific information and coding through relational interactions, energy flow, and regulation—all of which build performance capacity in the mind, brain, and body. It’s not about relationships or information; it’s

Fatima

certain experiences

First, there is the brain and the

the wiring of our brains fundamentally affects how well we do.

When your hormones change, your behavior changes, how you feel

hormones

your serotonin gets depleted, your mood changes, as

serotonin

Second, there is relationship, our interpersonal connections and

relationship

it is in relationships that our minds are actually built. These relationships