The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

Research has shown that the brain responds best to a ratio of five positive feedback messages for every negative message. In business research, the best ratio is actually six to one. The highest performers get an almost six-to-one ratio of positive to negative feedback, but the lowest performers’ mix is almost the opposite, a ratio of one to three. The people who perform best are hearing six positives for every negative, while the worst performers are getting three times more negatives than positives. For sure the negative is needed—we need to know how to get better—but in the right ratio and tone for the brain to use it.

Research into brain circuitry shows that new capacities grow when we have to grapple with a problem ourselves instead of hearing someone tell us how to fix it or watching someone fix it for us. We remember about 10 to 20 percent of what we read or hear or see, but 80 percent of what we experience in such a learning process. When someone provides feedback that leaves us in shape to grapple with the problem ourselves, we learn.

The higher-performing parts of the brain get sidelined when we’re experiencing negative emotions, and the lower, more reactive parts kick in.

“Connection is a result of doing some specific things. How is he supposed to act on that ‘connect with me more’ request? He probably has no clue how to do that. I bet his eyes glazed over.”

The difference, I explained, is that this suggestion is something actionable, a specific something that you’d like him to do or stop doing. This is something he can do something about.

This is like telling Sophie to read a book on relationship. What is she supposed to look for?

Few things are worse for the culture of a team than rewarding or overlooking poor performance. It clearly tells the underachiever, “What you’re doing is good enough,” and tells the others, “Your efforts toward excellence, your care, and your diligence have no value.”

One was that the leadership team made a vow that they wouldn’t give anyone a boss they wouldn’t work for themselves.

He also told all of his employees that if they were mistreated by a boss, they should try to work it out with him or her first, but if they couldn’t get resolution, they could come directly to him.

Over the next two years, about two hundred leaders departed Synovus.

In a Corner Four connection, the standards must be enforced. They create a protective barrier that keeps the system, the relationship, or the culture healthy. If you allow bad behavior, the entire system suffers. As Jim Blanchard told me, “People who violate the values really need to be somewhere else. If not, they really ruin what you are trying to accomplish.”

If we’re doing something that’s not helpful to us or others, we need to know quickly—before it becomes a pattern.

Feedback causes a lot of good things to happen, besides saving us from forming poor performance patterns in the first place. Better yet, it can guide us to repeat what’s helpful over and over again until it becomes part of who we are.

“Girls, you’re becoming teenagers. It is an exciting time. One of the reasons is that you will be getting more and more independent. That means that you get to do a lot more stuff on your own, and you’re going to want the freedom to do those things. So I want you to understand something. “My deepest desire is to give you as much freedom as you want. I have no plans to control you on some short leash. In fact, I want the opposite. I want you to be in control of yourself and have as much freedom as you can. So here is how it works. It’s a formula. The amount of freedom that you will have will be equal to the amount of responsibility that you take when you have it, and that responsibility should be measured by love. The choices you make, that you will be responsible for, are to be loving. They must be good for others and for yourself. Your choices should not hurt anyone in any way—you or anyone else. That is your guide to responsibility. If you are responsible in that way, guided by love, you will get more and more freedom. As much as you want, as long as you follow the formula: freedom = responsibility = love. “If you are not responsible with the freedom that I give you, if you do things that are not good for yourself or others, things that are not loving, then your freedom will be limited to that same degree. It is totally up to you how much freedom you will get in the teen years. Show me that you can be responsible with it, and you will get it. That will make my life and y...

The talk to Jessica

two realities exist simultaneously: where we are at any given moment, and where we want to be. The space to be negotiated between these two states is the gap. We can’t avoid the gap, but we can decide how we’ll approach it—or

Pixar doesn’t police mistakes, but it does try to root out negative attitudes and counterproductive structures and behaviors. Catmull and his colleagues recognize that creativity requires a culture of safety and that Pixar has to be intentional in creating such a culture. “I’ve spent nearly forty years thinking about how to help smart, ambitious people work effectively with one another. The way I see it, my job as a manager is to create a fertile environment, keep it healthy, and watch for the things that undermine it.”

Regarding Apple's corporate police

Healthy cultures need to make it safe for people, but they also need to make sure people don’t get too comfortable. Healthy cultures embrace people where they are but they also nudge them and sometimes even push them to get better.

there is a process for closing the gap, a path that will take them from where they are at the moment to where they want to go. How did he create this kind of relational safety? First, he focused on creating a peer-to-peer culture with no bosses. He got rid of all signs of hierarchy at creative meetings, replacing conference tables and place cards with comfy chairs to reinforce the sense that everyone is equal and on the same level. Second, he insisted that everyone have a vested interest in the film’s success. Above all else, the film had to be right. It wasn’t about whether individuals looked good or appeared smarter than everyone else. It wasn’t about individuals winning; it was about making the best movie possible.

In my company, the culture should be such that debates are won by facts and not merit. And leave things open to debate because it makes sense. Leave social status and hierarchy at the door.

He required that his team “give and listen to good notes,” or feedback. I love the emphasis here on “give and listen to”—not holding back on the giving but also being able to receive feedback. Both sides are important. His focus on listening means receptivity on the other end. While the sender mustn’t fire bullets, the receiver can’t be defensive, either. In Corner Four relationships, we need to be open to receive, but we need to be sent “receivable” feedback that is not injurious. As the neuroscience research shows, we cannot absorb feedback when we’re caught in the fangs of fear and failure.

Sophie does it well. Sending a receptive attitude, and promoting a rich and encouraging atmosphere for growth.

give him feedback without it feeling so personally hurtful. As we talked more, he revealed that he had never worked in a culture like this, one where real, honest feedback was freely shared but where no one constantly felt threatened. At the places where he had worked before, everyone tried to be nice, but often they weren’t honest. He was still having trouble believing that this team’s values were for real, not just lip service. What’s more, he was able to see now that some of the resistance and defensiveness he’d been expressing stemmed from his own tendency to take well-intentioned comments as put-downs. This was an important insight for him, because to truly benefit from Corner Four relationships, we must realize that this inner dialogue can interfere with giving and taking feedback.

This is the kind of culture Ronuk and Christophe encouraged, and I like it. Initially I felt similar to this but learnt my ways. Also something to discuss with Michael about. The culture and attitude of our company. The time at his dorm, I think he felt hostile.

need to work on hearing things differently, being honest at the moment when something doesn’t feel good, and asking the other person what they really mean. That was huge. I applauded him.

To add to the previous insight

“And by the way, he’s not making all of this up, you know. I know you don’t mean it in a mean way, but you could watch your tone at times, and it might help.” She laughed and said, “For sure. Please tell me when I’m being that way.” That’s real Corner Four movement in making the beast your friend instead of foe.

At times I feel Ronuk's tone could be better

intentional and proactive creation of two things: 1. Standards for how we communicate that we want something to be better. 2. Monitoring how well that communication is being done.

Principles to keep in mind whilst building a company

ideas have no rank or position.

I totally agree

Others have done it in other ways. Here are a few examples: Focus on the problem, not the person. Let’s love every idea for five minutes (or some amount of time—forty-five seconds?). Say it with respect, but say it all. Listen and think about it before negating or disagreeing. No zingers or over-the-line personal attacks. No back-channeling or side conversations.

Ronuk's approach, nicely summarized into words.

having a standard and monitoring adherence to it. This kind of process check is essential for changing any behavior, especially the behavior that changes all other behavior—the ability to work together with others to improve. When our methods of getting better get better, we get better. Work on getting better for sure, but work on your methods of getting better, as well. You’ll be glad you did.

I should make perfectly clear that I’m not suggesting that you jettison all of your dysfunctional or non-growth-producing friends, family members, or coworkers. Goodness knows, our lives are made interesting, fun, and sometimes slightly wacky by all types of people. We are blessed to have them in the mix. But you do have to realize one thing: they’re not all likely to provide you with new energy or intelligence.

Frequently, we don’t have a clue about the abilities and assets we possess. They have never been pointed out to us. That’s what the right kind of Corner Four relationship does: it spots a hidden asset you possess and shows you how to access it. The best kinds of others balance a couple of factors in setting stretch targets: 1. They will push you to go farther than you’ve gone in the past, encouraging you to develop new skills in order to reach the goal. 2. However, they will not stretch you to a point that will overwhelm you or take you backward. The best leaders, coaches, and friends do both of those things. They push you past where you have been or thought you could go, but not so far that you can’t recover. They stretch but don’t injure.

The right amount of stretch boosts our skills and our confidence; the wrong amount can send us back to the fangs of failure.

Great Corner Four relationships push us upward at all times. They will not let us stay where we are, lest we plateau, get bored, disengage, or go looking for another relationship that keeps us awake (say, in Corner Three). As I described earlier, humans are connection-seeking systems, but arousal-seeking ones, as well. If we get bored and disengaged, we can’t help but search for something to reenergize us, even if the stimulant comes in the form of an illicit affair or other risk-taking behavior. It is due to lack of engagement that many relationships fail; if one partner isn’t bringing new energy and intelligence into the relationship, the other person may grow disinterested in investing more intimacy in the relationship. That can lead to all sorts of destructive behaviors.

Stretch them and they’ll move toward the goal. Stretch them too much, and like rubber bands, they’ll snap.

Indeed, research on goal-setting shows that when we are asked to meet very high goals, ones that are difficult but specific, people thrive. We’re built to be challenged to grow. This is why the healthiest kids come from environments that do two things: encourage them with warmth and give them high expectations.

whether you have access to the right kinds of connections to help you get to the next level: Am I being appropriately pushed to be better, to be more? What specifically am I being challenged to do better? What specifically am I being challenged to do that is more than I’m doing now? Am I being pushed past my comfort zone? When I resist or struggle, how are these feelings addressed? Do others remain firm in my need to grow?

Sometimes the stretching we need is what Jim Collins refers to as “big hairy audacious goals (BHAGs).” To reach these goals would surpass anything we have ever done before. Not just incremental steps, but goals that change everything, taking us ten times farther than we ever thought possible.

“What is the one-sentence summary of how you change the world? Always work hard on something uncomfortably exciting” (Larry Page, University of Michigan Commencement Address, May 2009).

“If, at some point each day, I sit and think about what I’m trying to pull off and don’t get a total panic attack, then I know I’m not stretching myself and doing a hard enough deal.”

the goals we set for ourselves and others must be challenging enough to activate our energy and our brains, but they also must be realistic and achievable.

His values and his visions had been internalized, instilled into a culture that would be there even when he was gone.

Those who have never internalized love often seek and function in relationships in immature, self-soothing ways. Then as soon as the relationship fails them in some way, they don’t have the internal relational equipment or internal capacity to work through that failure, and the relationship breaks down. At that point, when they’re struggling to make the relationship work, telling them to “just love yourself” is not merely unhelpful; it’s the wrong message entirely. Instead, they must find some others who will support and love them and teach them how to love others, mentoring them, just as good parenting would have done.

Love does not begin with oneself. Love begins by receiving love, internalizing it, and then giving it away to others—paying it forward.

Then there has to be a plan for getting the goal accomplished. We have to think about how long it will take, how to measure progress, and how many encounters are required to hit important milestones along the path.

If I’m mad at you or hurt by you or disagree with you, I (and you) really need me to talk directly to you to resolve it. That’s the only way we’re going to get to some resolution of the matter. In the absence of that kind of give-and-take, bad feelings fester and spread infection—poisoning not just this one relationship but the mood and positive connections for everyone else involved.

The reason is that triangulation has also now created division between B and C, who haven’t even had a conflict! Person C now has a one-sided perspective about what happened. Who knows what Person B actually did! C got only one side, which painted B as entirely in the wrong. A’s complaints might even be valid, but C can’t know without hearing the other side.

“If people are causing divisions among you, give a first and second warning. After that, have nothing more to do with them. For people like that have turned away from the truth, and their own sins condemn them.”

divisive people cause more harm than whatever the good things they bring are worth.

If they are truly dividers, they must go away. Not because the problem couldn’t be fixed—pretty much anything can be worked through if people are willing to do the work, to look hard at themselves and their part in the problem. The real issue is that people who habitually do this are not willing to look at themselves and try to resolve things.

First, name the problem. Start by talking about the disease of triangulation with the people that it might be affecting.

Second, establish a rule or a covenant with each other to help eliminate triangulation from your relationships. Don’t do it yourself, and don’t participate when someone else offers you the part of the rescuer.

Agree that you won’t listen to someone gripe about another person either, unless there is some way you can help or encourage them to go to that person directly.

You and all the other people in your relationship should agree that, if someone does begin to gossip to you about someone else, you will decline to join in.

We’ve examined what it takes to become a high performer. First of all, we’ve established that, whether we acknowledge it or not, other people have power in one’s life that greatly influences one’s performance. Second, that power can be positive or negative in its influence. Third, we can’t get to the next level without opening ourselves up to the positive power that others bring. We must be an “open system.” Fourth, in order to open up and receive, we must be vulnerable and willing to go into a place of need. Fifth, there are certain components that Corner Four relationships provide—fuel, self-control, responsibility and ownership, a realistic positivity about failure, stretches and pushes, steps, structure, and process.