The Power of the Other: The startling effect other people have on you, from the boardroom to the bedroom and beyond-and what to do about it

by Henry Cloud

I want to spend my time with those who want it. Why? Because they are the only ones who will grow, who will get better. And here is the real learning: they are always the best anyway! The best ones, the greatest performers, are the humble ones who know what they need and express it freely.

The leader can’t humble himself to receive help, and the board is afraid to tell him he needs it.

But then there are the real superstars, the ones with enormous talent and brains who realize that they don’t have all it takes to get big things done but that everything they need to get them done does exist—in others. So they ask. They need. They embrace their need, and they connect from an authentic, vulnerable place. They grow. They learn. They thrive. I love getting to work with that kind of person. Be one of those, no matter where you are. Humble yourself. Head to Corner Four and seek someone who can meet the need that you have. Whether for emotional support, courage, wisdom, expertise, or pure community, go to Corner Four . . . and stay there.

Now we know from science that I was getting “well” because of his empathy, his ability to connect with me and show me that he understood, that he identified with me, and that he was for me. My brain chemistry was changing. The effects of the stress hormones that had been interfering with my thinking were lessening. My higher-order thinking machine was getting refueled with the kinds of chemicals (neurotransmitters, the fuel of the brain) that it needs to run.

Nothing about the situation had changed. Except one thing: I had tapped into the power of the other. After our talk, I now had energy and the courage to get to work. My tank was full.

“All organizations inherently have energy because they are made up of people, and people have energy. But in winning organizations, people seem to have more energy, and they certainly use it more productively. While the losers waste their energy on negative activities such as internal politics and resisting changes demanded by the marketplace, the winners use theirs positively to overcome problems and meet new challenges. They do this because their top leaders understand that positive energy produces positive results. They use energy, like ideas and values, as a competitive tool.”

We think that the real and genuinely supportive relationships of Corner Four deal only in happy thoughts and are always “positive.” They are positive in their intent and their desired result, but sometimes there is a lot of negative stuff that is talked about. If we’re not getting it or not performing in some way, our Corner Four people sometimes have to wake us up and be pretty tough. They have to say some hard things, which sometimes hurt to hear, but just like the cut of a surgeon’s knife that saves a life, a friend’s tough but kind message can save our lives as well. We need these kick starts and truth moments in order to get to our next level.

Another way to bring new energy into your system is by gathering new information. That often comes in the form of a new connection, a new relationship with someone who brings in a different set of skills, knowledge, and expertise. When a floundering team gets a new member, that person brings in new knowledge, intelligence and insights that release new energy into the group. The whole team is lifted up.

The more we are surrounded by people who are motivated to get there, the more we catch that energy and are moved toward success ourselves. When you add information and learning, the energy only goes up. The learning curve and peer pressure to keep up is very healthy.

Keep the learning high, and you will keep the energy high as well.

But the energy advantage that a learning organization has over a stagnant one is huge. There are simple ways to do this. Just get a good leadership book every month, have the team read it, and take a little time once a week to discuss what you all are learning. Watch the energy go up.

The takeaway is a practical approach to emotional energy. In your personal life, what kind of energy are you surrounding yourself with? Positive or negative? Goal-oriented or stagnant? Healthy or unhealthy? Where are your Corner Four fueling stations? Whom do you catch the energy or growth from? In your professional life, ask yourself the same questions. Who brings fuel to you? Who brings the energy of new intelligence, support, and other provisions? We all need that kind of fueling, and it’s important to know where we’re going to get it.

“But this group has got to begin to get creative, get motivated to take the next steps, and that requires creative energy, positive energy. Whatever he brings in knowledge will be discounted by the amount of negative energy he unleashes on the group.”

what kind of energy others bring.

Look at your own life and work right now. Are you surrounding yourself with people who fuel you?

Being a fruitful person, the kind of person who actually changes the world around you, means that you sometimes intentionally enter negative situations and work hard to transform them. You are not afraid of problems or “problem people,” so you can’t, nor should you try to, avoid all negativity. Embrace it and, as much as you are able to influence change, inject a positive influence. Be a change agent, if possible.

However, it is still very important to know who the drains are in your life, why you’re spending time with them, and what their impact is. It’s also important to know what your strategy is going to be to make sure that you are not infected in these encounters. Remember, sometimes doctors wear masks to avoid getting and giving infections.

We hear a lot about “managing your energy” these days. That’s important, but it’s not just about managing your workload and taking breaks; it’s just as important to manage the energy sources around you. This is intensely interpersonal. People give energy, and they take it away. Know the difference and plan accordingly.

the listening tour. These are structured, intentional interactions or touchpoints with employees meant to identify the sources of negative energy that may be affecting an individual’s, a team’s, or the company’s performance. I encourage the leader to listen and work through topics that have become a drain to employees, especially in areas where the company itself and its leadership have enacted policies or strategies that have caused difficulty and distress.

Don’t shy away from addressing the negative energy. That alone—listening—brings positive energy to the group and can begin to transform it.

Corner Four relationships affect us physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually as they help us find our purpose in life. In most cases, no one relationship can supply our needs in all of these dimensions, though sometimes one is paramount. That’s why it’s important to establish multiple connections that feed us different kinds of energy. It does “take a village” to grow a person, and to sustain one.

Values are like rocket fuel when worked on in an ongoing process. Too many businesses write up some values and slap them on a wall, but never revisit them.

What are my personal values? Write them down. Actively work on them.

The disconnection of Corner One can offer temporary relief, especially when you are under stress and things are not going well. It’s an easy retreat, but it’s also deceptive. Don’t get me wrong: Solitude can be incredibly fueling in and of itself, especially for introverts. The ability to be alone, comfortably and contentedly, is an important step toward emotional maturity and health. But solitude is not Corner One isolation. Isolation won’t give you a chance to refuel but merely offers a temporary escape. If you find yourself heading into Corner One as a way to avoid conflict and intimacy while wrongly calling it alone time, you’ll end up with loss of energy and drive.

Corner 1 solitude signs

trouble in Corner Two. When alarm bells in your head start ringing, “You’re not good enough,” when fear—of disapproval, of displeasing someone, or of falling short of some metric of goodness—starts driving your actions, you know you’re running out of fuel.

Corner Three on the map—is another warning sign. If you find yourself itching for comfort in illicit relationships, addictive substances, or other compulsive behavior, you know you’re risking stalemate at best, and eventually a big crash. Don’t trust anything that feels good if it isn’t something you’d want your spouse, partner, family, or your colleagues to know about.

Corner Four. Be honest about where you are and what you need when you get there. That’s where all the good stuff is.

I have never seen great performers who felt themselves to be out of control of their own performance, emotions, direction, purpose, decisions, beliefs, choices, or any other human faculties. They don’t blame others or external factors. The greats are not like lesser performers, who try to explain away their failure as being somehow caused, forced, or controlled by someone else. Self-control is a big deal in human performance. Getting better depends upon it. You cannot get better if it’s not you who has to get better. You are the performer, period. You are the only thing you can control.

while our self-control and performance is totally in our control, it derives much of its sustenance from the power of our formative relationships.

how much you perceive yourself as being in control of your life depends in part on how much the most significant people in your life support that ability and simultaneously hold you responsible for it.

Two things stand out in this exchange: First, Jack was able to express that ownership directly to the person who supported him the most. Second, his dad respected Jack’s sense of being in control of his performance. This combination—being in control and being supported and respected in your choices even when your other disagrees with them—is one of the most powerful elements of Corner Four relationships.

Corner Four relationships give us: autonomy and responsibility.

The real test of a Corner Four relationship is what happens when you choose a different path than the one your supportive person desires for you. After weighing all the factors, Jack decided to turn pro instead of doing what his dad thought he should do. Instead of being the next Bobby Jones, he became the greatest player in the history of the game. Jack says of his dad, “He is a very unobtrusive rooter.” How many people of great talent wish that their bosses, parents, coworkers, spouses, or friends could be unobtrusive rooters, giving them freedom as well as support and not withdrawing when they decide to follow their own paths? That is pure gold.

Corner Four relationships. The best ones engender a constructive dialogue about this very topic—where the line should be drawn—without the threat of withdrawing support if you disagree.

Sometimes we will disagree with our best partners. We still have to draw the line where to end

Horst Schultze, founder of Ritz-Carlton, has stated that his employees are fully empowered to satisfy a customer and solve a problem up to $2,000 without checking with anyone. They are supported to make choices that help customers without getting approval from above.

Faith in your choices, and empower them to act.

Corner Four supporters don’t just give support willy-nilly. They support your choices but also hold you responsible for them.

“Son, don’t worry about college. It is already paid for. That’s my job. But your job is to study hard so you can get in. I can’t do that for you. But then, after you go, I’m done. You’ll be on your own.” Then with a smile he would add, “You can drop by for a sandwich if you want, but don’t expect much more than that.”

Another silence. Then he said this: “Son, . . . here’s what I know. If you’re old enough to get yourself into a situation like this, you’re old enough to get yourself out. But do me a favor. Call me and tell me how you did it. I can’t wait to hear!” And he hung up the phone.

Corner Four relationships don’t rescue us from hard decisions or responsibility. In business, for example, when your protégé makes a mistake the first time she leads a project and ruffles some team members’ feathers, you don’t jump in to smooth out the problems her style has caused, but you do encourage this less experienced manager to find a solution and adapt her style.

The message of a Corner Four relationship is, “I cannot get you out of difficulties created by your choices, but I can require you to be responsible for them.”

At Apple such a person is called a DRI, a directly responsible individual. If marketing of a product is broken, that’s the person the boss can call. He or she owns it.

I was the DRI for iPhone reliability software.

Without Corner Four feedback that directly, honestly, and in a caring fashion addressed performance failings, neither person would have benefited, and no learning or growth would have taken place. These kinds of workarounds—which don’t really work at all—are all too common.

In Corner Four relationships, accountability is different. The responsibility we are discussing in this chapter is not the punitive, shaming, or angry kind, which usually serves the purpose only of giving the disappointed parties a chance to vent their wrath or take care of their feelings.

Corner Four accountability is a commitment to what is best at three levels: (1) both or all the individuals involved, (2) the relationship(s), and (3) the outcomes.

Corner Four requires clarity in the expectations you have for each other, before it’s time to deliver on those expectations, and it also requires staying in touch along the way, at the necessary intervals. Clarity and consistency, monitoring and adjusting, lead to real performance increase.

First, the science of feedback tells us that it is crucial to performance. Without it, you cannot achieve new levels of performance, much less get past a current limit. You must know how you are doing in order to get better.

the best zones of performance occur when there is immediate feedback.

The brain needs to know how it is doing in order to adjust and do better.

Corner Four demands all three: caring, honesty, and results—caring enough about someone to not be hurtful in how we say things, the honesty to say them directly, and a focus on behavior change and better results. Remember these three accountability aspects: the individuals, the relationship, and the outcomes.

We can’t change what we do not know we need to change.

Corner One is getting no feedback at all. Corner Two is getting it without caring and probably without accuracy, as the other person always has a standard that is somehow unhelpful or unreachable. In Corner Three, anything but feel-good backslapping or flattery is off-limits. Only Corner Four provides both caring and reality in the form of usable, actionable information.