More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
August 31 - October 9, 2021
We are never angry because of what others say or do.
To motivate by guilt, mix up stimulus and cause.
When we judge others, we contribute to violence.
Use anger as a wake-up call.
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
Steps to expressing anger: 1. Stop. Breathe. 2. Identify our judgmental thoughts. 3. Connect with our needs. 4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.
I had a major conflict with what went on in his head, but I’ve learned that I enjoy human beings more if I don’t hear what they think.
Our need is for the other person to truly hear our pain.
People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.
As we have seen, our anger comes from judgments, labels, and thoughts of blame, of what people “should” do and what they “deserve.”
Creating a connection between people is the most important thing.
When you make the connection, the problem usually solves itself.
Avoid the use of language that implies wrongness.
Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism.
Learn to hear needs regardless of how people express them.
Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts.
Admittedly, I had merely guessed correctly, but I didn’t have to get it right the first time because even if I had guessed wrong, I would still have been focusing on his needs—and that’s the heart of the matter. In fact, when we reflect back incorrect guesses to others, it may help them get in touch with their true needs.
People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said.
A present language statement refers to what is wanted at this moment.
On the other hand, in the absence of present language, a request such as “I’d like you to go to the show with me Saturday night” fails to convey what’s being asked of the listener at that moment. The use of present language to hone such a request, for example, “Would you be willing to tell me whether you will go to the show with me Saturday night?,” supports clarity and ongoing connection in the exchange. We can further clarify the request by indicating what we may want from the other person in the present moment, “Would you be willing to tell me how you feel about going to the show with me
...more
Action language requires the use of action verbs.
I suggest instead the use of action verbs to capture something that we can see or hear happening—something that can be recorded with a video camera.
Maintaining respect is a key element in successful conflict resolution.
The objective is not to get the parties to do what we want them to do.
The purpose of interrupting is to restore the process.
We need to be well practiced at hearing the need in any message.
Robert Irwin’s book, Building a Peace System.)
The intention behind the protective use of force is only to protect, not to punish, blame, or condemn.
Fear of corporal punishment obscures children’s awareness of the compassion underlying their parents’ demands.
Question 1: What do I want this person to do? Question 2: What do I want this person’s reasons to be for doing it?
Focus on what we want to do rather than what went wrong.
Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs.
Defuse stress by empathizing with others.
I empathized with clients instead of interpreting them; I revealed myself instead of diagnosing them.
Compliments are often judgments—however positive-of others.
Express appreciation to celebrate, not to manipulate.
The Three Components of Appreciation NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation: the actions that have contributed to our well-being the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
Saying “thank you” in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”
Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority or false humility.
