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August 31 - October 9, 2021
After we express ourselves vulnerably, we often want to know (1) what the listener is feeling;
(2) what the listener is thinking; or
(3) whether the listener would be willing to take a particular action.
In a group, much time is wasted when speakers aren’t certain what response they’re wanting.
When the other person hears a demand from us, they see two options: to submit or to rebel.
To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with.
It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes or judges.
It’s a demand if the speaker then lays a guilt trip.
It’s a request if the speaker then shows empathy toward the other person’s needs.
Choosing to request rather than demand does not mean we give up when someone says no to our request. It does mean that we don’t engage in persuasion until we have empathized with what’s preventing the other person from saying yes.
Expressing genuine requests also requires an awareness of our objective. If our objective is only to change people and their behavior or to get our way, then NVC is not an appropriate tool. The process is designed for those of us who would like others to change and respond, but only if they choose to do so willingly and compassionately.
Our objective is a relationship based on honesty and empathy.
Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being
“Don’t just do something, stand there.”
Ask before offering advice or reassurance.
The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing. This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy. While we may choose at times to sympathize with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathizing.
Intellectual understanding blocks empathy.
No matter what others say, we only hear what they are (1) observing, (2) feeling, (3) needing, and (4) requesting.
Listen to what people are needing rather than what they are thinking.
When asking for information, first express our own feelings and needs.
There are no infallible guidelines regarding when to paraphrase, but as a rule of thumb, it is safe to assume that speakers expressing intensely emotional messages would appreciate our reflecting these back to them. When we ourselves are talking, we can make it easier for the listener if we clearly signify when we want or don’t want our words to be reflected back to us.
Reflect back messages that are emotionally charged.
Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding.
As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being.
When we receive messages with this awareness, we never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us. We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves.
Behind intimidating messages are merely people appealing to us to meet their needs.
A difficult message becomes an opportunity to enrich someone’s life.
If it happens regularly that people distrust our motives and sincerity when we paraphrase their words, we may need to examine our own intentions more closely. Perhaps we are paraphrasing and engaging the components of NVC in a mechanistic way without maintaining clear consciousness of purpose. We might ask ourselves, for example, whether we are more intent on applying the process “correctly” than on connecting with the human being in front of us. Or perhaps, even though we are using the form of NVC, our only interest is in changing the other person’s behavior.
Paraphrasing tends to save, rather than waste, time. Studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said.
Paraphrasing saves time.
Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by as yet unexpressed, but related—and often more powerful—feelings. By maintaining our attention on what’s going on within others, we offer them a chance to fully explore and express their interior selves.
When we stay with empathy, we allow speakers to touch deeper levels of themselves.
What evidence is there that we’ve adequately empathized with the other person? First, when an individual realizes that everything going on within has received full empathic understanding, they will experience a sense of relief. We can become aware of this phenomenon by noticing a corresponding release of tension in our own body. A second, even more obvious sign is that the person will stop talking. If we are uncertain as to whether we have stayed long enough in the process, we can always ask, “Is there more that you wanted to say?”
We know a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.
We need empathy to give empathy.
It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
We “say a lot” by listening for other people’s feelings and needs.
Rather than put your “but” in the face of an angry person, empathize.
When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us.
Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally.
To bring a conversation back to life: interrupt with empathy.
What bores the listener bores the speaker too.
Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.
Empathy lies in our ability to be present.
Avoid shoulding yourself!
Our challenge then, when we are doing something that is not enriching life, is to evaluate ourselves moment by moment in a way that inspires change both (1) in the direction of where we would like to go, and (2) out of respect and compassion for ourselves, rather than out of self-hatred, guilt or shame.
Earlier we saw that the behavior of others may be a stimulus for our feelings, but not the cause. We are never angry because of what someone else did. We can identify the other person’s behavior as the stimulus, but it is important to establish a clear separation between stimulus and cause.
