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August 31 - October 9, 2021
NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention.
The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, stay motivated solely to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process, and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another.
First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified.
Four components of NVC: 1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests
Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our natural state of compassion.
Moralistic Judgments One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values.
In the world of judgments, our concern centers on “who is what.”
When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.
Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values.
It is important here not to confuse value judgments and moralistic judgments. All of us make value judgments as to the qualities we value in life; for example, we might value honesty, freedom, or peace. Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments; for example, “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.” Had we been raised speaking a language that facilitated the expression of compassion, we would have learned to articulate our needs and values directly, rather than to
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Classifying and judging people promotes violence.
Making Comparisons Another form of judgment is the use of comparisons.
Denial of Responsibility Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility.
Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves:
We can replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.
Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion.
We can never make people do anything.
The concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment is also associated with life-alienating communication.
Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication.
One form of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of those who don’t act in harmony with our values. Another is the use of comparisons, which can block compassion both for others and for ourselves. Life-alienating communication also obscures our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Communicating our desires in the form of demands is yet another characteristic of language that blocks compassion.
Observations are an important element in NVC, where we wish to clearly and honestly express how we are to another person. When we combine observation with evaluation, we decrease the likelihood that others will hear our intended message. Instead, they are apt to hear criticism and thus resist whatever we are saying. NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based
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The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once remarked that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.
Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.
Distinguish feelings from thoughts.
Distinguish between what we feel and what we think we are.
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave toward us.
The following lists have been compiled to help you increase your power to articulate feelings and clearly describe a whole range of emotional states. How we are likely to feel when our needs are being met absorbed adventurous affectionate alert alive amazed amused animated appreciative ardent aroused astonished blissful breathless buoyant calm carefree cheerful comfortable complacent composed concerned confident contented cool curious dazzled delighted eager ebullient ecstatic effervescent elated enchanted encouraged energetic engrossed enlivened enthusiastic excited exhilarated expansive
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What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings: Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.” The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because … ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.” Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.”
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Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
If we don’t value our needs, others may not either.
Second stage: The obnoxious stage. We feel angry; we no longer want to be responsible for others’ feelings.
Third stage: Emotional liberation. We take responsibility for our intentions and actions.
Use positive language when making requests.
In addition to using positive language, we also want to word our requests in the form of concrete actions that others can undertake and to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing.
Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want.
Vague language contributes to internal confusion.
Depression is the reward we get for being “good.”
When we simply express our feelings, it may not be clear to the listener what we want them to do.
We are often not conscious of what we are requesting.
Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs.
The clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it.
To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back.
Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back.
