More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Started reading
June 5, 2025
In addition to the process of mourning and self-forgiveness, another aspect of self-compassion I emphasize is in the energy that’s behind whatever action we take.
I earnestly believe, however, that an important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, or obligation.
We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.
we considered replacing language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
Translating “Have to” to “Choose to”
With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.
“I choose to … because I want …
(1) FOR MONEY
(2) FOR APPROVAL
Our culture has educated us to hunger for reward.
We do things to get people to like us and avoid things that may lead people to dislike or punish us.
In fact, when we do things solely in the spirit of enhancing life, we will find others appreciating us. Their
(3) TO ESCAPE PUNISHMENT
(4) TO AVOID SHAME
(5) TO AVOID GUILT
people will be disappointed in me.”
of our own need to contribute to the happiness of other human beings.
Be conscious of actions motivated by the desire for money or approval, and by fear, shame, or guilt. Know the price you pay for them.
(6) TO SATISFY A SENSE OF DUTY
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”
The most crucial application of NVC may be in the way we treat ourselves.
By assessing our behaviors in terms of our own unmet needs, the impetus for change comes not out of shame, guilt, anger, or depression, but out of the genuine desire to contribute to our own and others’ well-being.
This understanding comes as a relief to many groups I work with that experience oppression and discrimination and want to increase their power to effect change.
They worry about approaches that view their anger as an undesirable quality needing to be purged.
The first step to fully expressing anger in NVC is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger.
We are never angry because of what someone else did.
We are never angry because of what others say or do.
“When this happened, you felt angry because what?”
This is an easy habit to acquire in a culture that uses guilt as a means of controlling people.
Where guilt is a tactic of manipulation and coercion, it is useful to confuse stimulus and cause.
To motivate by guilt, mix up stimulus and cause.
We use our language in many different ways to trick ourselves into believing that our feelings result from what others do.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of blame and judgment.
Anger is generated when we choose the second option: whenever we are angry, we are finding fault—we are choosing to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment.
is to shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs.
Thus, it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes our feeling.
Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs.
In addition to the third option of focusing on our own needs and feelings, the choice is ours at any moment to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs.
we see how anger is simply absent in each moment that we are fully present with the other person’s feelings and needs.
believe we serve life better by focusing attention on what we are needing.
When we judge others, we contribute to violence.
I see all anger as a result of life-alienating, violence-provoking thinking.
Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met. To fully e...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others. This may...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
“I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
Anger co-opts our energy by diverting it toward punitive actions.
it’s not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that produce my anger.
that they have no respect for human
it’s that kind of thinking on your part that makes you feel very angry.
